Intentional Abuse. Boundaries and Self-Improvement

[SH_]

Surfer

Good for you and hanging tough. I believe you did as well as could be expected for your current learning state, gathering of thoughts and advice and current situation.

I am going to challenge you a bit now.
Sit down and ponder on what I am going to challenge you with.

As it is almost the new year and resolutions and goals and all of that fun stuff is in order...
I am challenging you to take a solution oriented approach now.
Sound familiar?
DB principle here.

You have read about verbal abuse.
You have shared that you now identify it and recognize it.
You have even shared that you have been guilty of doing it as we all have.
You share what you have learned with others.

You share that you were hit with Fear today.

My challenge to you, as I have challenged you previously...
I challenge you to read, practice and make habit some things that will benefit you.

The is how you overcome fear.
This is how anyone that is faced with fear will overcome it.

You can read all you want about the dangers of climbing Mount Everest...and you should read and learn of the dangers so you can identify and be prepared...

But you will only overcome the fear by climbing Mount Everest and facing the dangers and your fear head on.

You have read about verbal abuse.
Your wife is guilty of this...only she can change it.
In her control
You have committed verbal abuse as you mentioned...you recognized and apologized.
In your control

You now are faced with fear in her presence.
She controls her verbal assaults.
You control your responses and fear of her actions.

You know what to expect.
Now you need to know what to do...then practice and prepare for it...then climb to the top of the mountain.

I challenge you to read the book called Boundaries.
I chalenge that you seek out additional material about how you can set boundaries, actively emotionally detach, and anything about protecting yourself against verbal abuse...no matter who commits it towards you.
Learn
Practice
Do

This my DB brother is the action that you will need to take to conquer the fear and climb to the top of the mountain.

Will you accept my challenge?

You are doing well, you are taking care of this kids...they are teaching you as mine teach me.
Action is key...solution oriented is DB...goals are how we track our progress and apply DB principles.

I believe you can do it.
I am actively engaged in the very actions the I challenge you with.
I would enjoy the opportunity to share and help each other out in this quest.

What say you my friend?

[Coly23]

Hey Surfer, just checking in. Sorry it's been so long.

You sound like you are doing great for your kids. I can see you have made sure they are your focus through all of this. WW can spew as much as she likes but it seems like water of a ducks back for you now so well done.

Wishing you lots of love and happiness in 2017 Surfer. You deserve it as reward for the patience you have shown! X

[Surfer]

SH

Thanks as always. Is the book 'boundaries' by? I will read this yes.

Thanks.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Thanks Coly

Sadly it fills me with fear still all this confrontation but I am working on that. Sometimes it is indeed water off a ducks back but I just need to control interactions a little more. I e always been the nice guy passive that tries to avoid flare ups. But this means I have to set boundaries and define the way we interact. W rages against this but I will keep trying.

Surfer.

[SH_]

SH

Thanks as always. Is the book 'boundaries' by? I will read this yes.

Thanks.

Surfer.

Google Boundaries book....
You will notice a pencil...
There is a version for kids and M.

[Jug]

Thanks sh for the suggestion. Enforcing boundaries appears to be the root of the problem for most people here (which they can control). I see this in me big time.

Surfer - how has meditation been going for you? The app you mentioned is nice but I can't stand that he doesn't talk American very good.

[Woke_Up]

Is this the Turtle book on boundaries V mentioned?

You can download as PDF the documents for couples and individuals. I have them both downloaded now. Google "Al Turtle Boundaries".

Now I need to work on applying them.

Hang in there mate, you're an inspiration to those of us just starting to muddle through

[Surfer]

SH,

Thanks. Bought a kindle version. Very reasonable. REad the first chapter.

Will plough through the rest from tomorrow - with a mild hangover no doubt (ouch)!

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Jug,

Surfer - how has meditation been going for you? The app you mentioned is nice but I can't stand that he doesn't talk American very

good.

I "needed" this a LOT when I was in my dark days - I was new to my job running a team of 16 with expectations of Equity Partnership in one of the largest consultancies in the world, oh and it just so happened my W had turned into the worst of the worst of her incarnations. My life was fear. BIG time. I meditated on the tube, walking, at my desk, in quiet rooms, I even found a break on in the loo if I was struggling. I would then meditate going home on the tube and then if my W was spewing I would take myself somewhere quiet and do this again. Slowly I started to focus on my emotional well being and I could control my anxiety. I used this constantly for 6 months I would say. I was a key tool for me regaining control from the panic. This panic was brought about as a result of my W using pretty much every tool in the verbal abusers arsenal - constantly, whilst trying to make my career work. So in a nutshell it was good.

No I imagine you could do with a dark brown louisiana voice ha ha. If you are talking about headspace the guy doesn't actually change his 'patter' much. He kind of says the same thing and the pattern of his speech is annoying at times. In terms of Calm I would sometimes just put on the background waves or log fire sounds and do my own thing rather than listening to the over familiar 'speech pattern' as such.

Surfer

[Surfer]

Thanks Woke_Up. I will read this later today. I have found it. The book has a pencil on the cover. I have downloaded this also.

Surfer.