Intentional Abuse. Boundaries and Self-Improvement

[Surfer]

So. I am getting a bit bored with all of this. I'm am coming to terms with the fact that I don't like who my wife now is and I believe she was always this person but was hiding her personality. I also believe I have the skills to help my children and I will be financially secure even after her intended D. I would not invite her back or have her back if not fully baked. I doubt very strongly that my wife can even acknowledge any part in all of this and therefore I must accept that it is very possible that there will be no reconciliation. Without her change there will be none. I am kind of okay with that. I am not going to progress or pursue the D, I am going to leave that to to her.

So where are we. NC unless about kids pick up/drops. I don't always answer and if I can avoid it I don't respond to texts and messages unless I need to.

My W is 100% a Verbal Abuser and manipulator who has unrealistic expectations. I have faults too but it's definitely gone too far for her - she has spread the history rewritten, propoganda too far, wide and hard. I have pretty much zero expectations in terms of her and therefore and R/M.

The kids were due to arrive around 6. They stayed with her at her M&Ds from 6pm Christmas Day. I did the whole lot, presents, traditions, turkey etc. Kids were so happy and grateful. Both thanked me and S6 asked if he could have his birthday here next time - presumably I throw a good festive/birthday event - or he gets lots of pressies? LoL. W has just sat with kids at her parents and been fed, watered and validated giving kids and iPad to occupy them. I hope they see that I 'do' things with them. I am sure they do. BTW played 'Bean Boozled' after dinner - not very tasty! They liked it though. Anyway, bit of a moan as she is disappointing as a M at times yesterday makes out she is mother Teresa. Anyway, just an observation.

W texted me at 2.30 saying she can drop kids. She has not responded to one text over Christmas so I know she wants something. Given the drop was due at 6 I said no. I had things to do and some GAL I had planned. She saI'd she needed to drop by 4 as her and MIL are going to theatre, I just said sorry, didn't know and can't help you. She dropped a few threats in minors stuff "if you don't I'll take them to BIL miles away and you will have to drive all that way to collect", I just said okay, let them know I'll be a bit later than 6 but will do my best. She then totally changed plans and had her cousin drop them here at 6. Kids are totally happy. Just cuddling D6 who is asleep in his "new bed" - got him a special football duvet set for one of his presents. This magistrate mark his return to his bed.p - I hope so, he has been sleeping with me for a while. I hope he feels secure enough to stay in bed by himself. If not he can climb in with me. It's sad to think he might be growing up and not need a cuddle as much though. Bless him.

Surfer.

[PsySara]

I haven't been able to pry my kids out of my bed with a crow bar, lol! I started out co-sleeping because I was BFing and it was immensely helpful catching sleep while feeding the babies. But it became such a habit that I ended up buying a kind size bed and now all three kids are in my room, two in my bed.

I am still a bit passive with my children. Oftentimes I will watch something on tv while they watch cartoons on their ipads while cuddling with me. I call it my "benign neglect" parenting. But it's become such a routine we are comfortable doing it. I do read them a bedtime story so I am not a total ogre. (if you can't tell I speaking with tongue firmly planted in cheek)

[Surfer]

I am 100% satisfied that my M will no longer work. She is now raising the bar (with lies and manipulation) so she can spew and push the D with everyone's support it seems.

So, after her attempts to manipulate my pick up time yesterday, I resisted and stuck to my guns, kids were dropped off at the agreed time, my W is now at it again. We agreed kids would go back to her at 4.30pm tomorrow. She has now texted to say she will pick up at 3pm "as agreed" (gaslighting/a lie). That is simply not happening. I can send her details on the joint calendar which she needs to check if she needs it. Its appalling that I have to do this. She is simply trying to gaslight me and manipulate.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Sara,

My S is over 6.5yrs. You have plenty of time to enjoy those cuddles - I suggest you do! Once they end, they end forever

Surfer.

[SH_]

I am 100% satisfied that my M will no longer work. She is now raising the bar (with lies and manipulation) so she can spew and push the D with everyone's support it seems.

So, after her attempts to manipulate my pick up time yesterday, I resisted and stuck to my guns, kids were dropped off at the agreed time, my W is now at it again. We agreed kids would go back to her at 4.30pm tomorrow. She has now texted to say she will pick up at 3pm "as agreed" (gaslighting/a lie). That is simply not happening. I can send her details on the joint calendar which she needs to check if she needs it. Its appalling that I have to do this. She is simply trying to gaslight me and manipulate.

Surfer.

Stay the course surfer...
Keep emotion out of it, keep the details in order and documented...
Then do as you mentioned...
Show her the calendar as agreed.

I know this challenge as I recently let the emotion get the best of me, because I let her sprinkle just enough truth with lies, and I doubted myself, reacted, and regret it...
I had my ducks in a row, but emotion seeped through...

Do not worry or think on " if you are satisfied the M is over"
That is emotion sneaking in...that emotion is irrelevant...

You are on the right track...stay strong...stay focused my friend.

[Surfer]

SH

Thank you.

I'm not going to file for D but crikey I am so bored with this person. I don't even like her. The person she was was fake I believe and this is the reality.

I am worried how she is manipulating things, the kids etc. I guess if I look at it as staying the course to understand and protect them and me that's fine. But certainly, it's much easier to work on detaching without any desire to be in the same room.

Surfer.

[PsySara]

Even if you D this woman it would not end this behavior from her. So like SH said, remain firm, if she shows to pick up the kids at 3 pm you can inform her that the agreed upon time is 4:30. Or you could simply not be home and bring the girls around 4:30 back home. If she spews then REMAIN calm and validate, validate, validate. Do not let this loose cannon shake you. You know what's what and stay the course.

[Surfer]

Sara,

Thank you.

I know. You are so right. It's good to have you as my wing man (in a dress). I appreciate your kindness and your understanding and most importantly I appreciate your journey and why you are a very welcome helper.

Remember, I do believe you are doing the right thing. With 3 exceptions.

1 - Self doubt. No, you are amazingtastic - look at how much stronger your kids are for how you are. Amazingtastic!
2 - Anger. You must learn control. Have you downloaded Headspace or Calm yet?
3 - GAL. A must - you must get a break (regularly) my friend.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

So journaling....

Kids in bed. Last night D9 told me at bedtime (when she talks about her feelings) that she feels sad, but doesn't know why
(I am worried, but totally calm, at this point).

We talk she offers some vague reasons, which are clearly untrue. Then tears flow. It's M is not here and I don't know if I prefer (M's shouting - I learned not to) or being apart. D9's LL is family time. She is breaking my heart as she talks. I validate and tell her I miss M too but we never control anyone other than ourselves, thoughts, actions etc.

She says she is worried that the feeling of sadness might not go and she doesn't know why its here. I tell her about Rumi and The Guest House (please google this if you are reading this) and sometimes feelings just come and go and its good to know how you feel but its good not to ruminate (I wonder if that's where 'ruminate' comes from IDK). Anyway, I explained that sadness is like an old friend - a bit grumpy always but you know them and they come and go. But you know them. Obviously I said this over time with lots of talk. I am trying to be brief here.

D9 then moved onto Christmas. W would not visit. Invited but no. She said W said it would be awkward but Grandma would make her feel at home (if I couldn't). All true. She said M is just being selfish.

I said why not talk to M about how you feel. But also, know that we will always be happy together. She then made me laugh, she belly laughed cuddled lots and I reassured her in the only way dads can. Lots f kisses and cuddles and it will be alright conversation. I also told her I miss M too but its just time to let M be her.

Today was lovely. They played with pressies and I just bakes turkey pie for the kids (D6 wanted a dinosaur on his - he got that and a volcano and a terradactial [sp] - I am quite arty; D9 got smiley faces and love hearts). All got eaten.

D9 called W and spoke to her about her feelings today. W gaslighted her on it would have been difficult on xmas day and she stayed away for Kids. It soothed D9 - so good. But its gaslighting as my W is the one that creates the ill feeling. She controls that anger.

I am worried she will manipulate her world into the FOO she experienced. My job is to fill her with love and kindness and not control so she can break a family cycle of this.

As I learn and grow. I know this is my duty and its all well within my grasp.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

So today has been hard. But Surfer is fine. Surf's up!

W wanted to change our agreed times for drop off. I took PsySara's advice. Took the kids bowling but was polite enough to tell her not to call as we were still out.

To cut a very long story short, kids were happy when I dropped them. W made every attempt to spew. Including texts and VM's. I dropped the kids at a distance and explained. I went. I told them M might be stressed. D9 said I thin she feels guilty and is taking it out on others (you D). My daughter that is so clever, she understands projection at 9. S said I am scared to see M. I said don't be silly it's M.

The "fear" came back today. Of my W. It was strong and I imagine this is how a battered wife feels. My boundaries were set and enforced. I even had WW phone my parents to speak to my M - who has chronic health issues - partly exacerbated by years of stress with this. D did a great job of validating and side stepping the tricky stuff. She hung up on him. He is the kindest, simplest man (I don't mean that in a rude way) he just listened and knowing the story said we don't take sides. I hear you though. W hung up on this man. And he is a man. Total respect for him for this.

I need to focus on the kids. S is a pleaser. I need to show him to be strong when faced with fear. D is great on emotional intelligence. I will work with her to understand that the feelings of others are theirs alone and our own are transient (I quoted Rumi - The Guest House when she was 'sad' and scared it would not go the other night.). I will make them robust. They will be able to fight all sorts of fears after this and they will remember their D being someone that never threw M under the bus and always said he loved her but its sometimes difficult - even though W is just gaslighting them.

Inside, through all this, I feel fear too. To look at me, you would find a strapping, successful and wealthy intelligent and (might I add) not too shabby looking chap that cares. Some lady, some day, will feel like they have hit the jackpot. I know this. My kids already do I am the jackpot. Jackpot Dad.

Whatever you are going through, no matter how dark. Light will come. I promise.

Surfer.