Help - Setting Boundaries, WW in EA - Thread #2

[Woke_Up]

Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Sorry things are so bad.

Thanks Jug. I plan on it. I'll see what it's like when I go upstairs. It may have just been a rage build up / payoff. She really took a dislike to being recorded. She thinks I'm a 'pervert' for recording her? I had told her I would record her, but I don't think she realised that I had pressed record until I reminded her after she called me a rapist again (she seems unclear on the actual definition of rape, if she thinks me being in my own room qualifies).

Anyway, I allowed her to delete the message. I had already emailed it to another email account before I did so, though. Just in case.

I'll keep posting.

[Woke_Up]

Yup

Stay in the MBR. If WW tries any tricks then say "I am recording this conversation, would you repeat that".

False accusations are criminal offences.


V

That didn't go so well tonight

[Vanilla]

Yes but now she knows you will protect yourself.

It's important

V

[Woke_Up]

Thanks Vanilla

I ended up staying in MBR last night anyway. I just went in there and started reading a book while she wasn't in there. When she came back upstairs (probably after a couple of spliffs) , she didn't say anything other than to ask what I was reading.

I need to get reading the Verbally Abusive Relationship, I think.

[sandi2]

I have skimmed over several Internet sites on the topic of the emotional bullying wife. I was mainly seeking solutions, and sorry to say.......not much was offered. I mainly found "signs" of emotional bullying. I found one Christian based site that offered suggestions, and the others just said to get a divorce b/c she would never change, and one said they had seen some men change, but not the bullying abuse from a wife. Hopefully, a complete book devoted to the subject will be more helpful.

If you doubt you are M to an emotional bullying W, just check out the list of signs! Oh, I also found it frustrating that I was unable to find practical solutions for the H who has an emotional abusive W who was in an A and wants a D!

I did stumble onto one site that talked about the importance of personal boundaries, detaching from the abuser, speaking up, calling the abusive w out on her bad behavior, and some other things. Do not keep it hidden or a secret. Reach out to a friend, group support, counselor, etc. And......do not feed the bully what she wants.

I think some H's are thrown by her initiating sex or affection. It is a manipulative move from her, to keep control of the R. One site said to never give in to the bully and think you just need to love her more, b/c that is the worst thing.

I think about the only difference in male and female bullies in a MR, is the male doesn't wear lipstick. Personally, I think females are more manipulative and usually can use sex for leverage, but that's just me.

Others on the board who have lived with an abuser can be much more helpful. I just wanted you to know that I was trying to find something to give you, and had not forsaken you.

Don't be ashamed to reach out for help and let someone know what is going on.

[Surfer]

Woke_Up

Sorry chap. Been a tad busy. Just catching up....Sat with the last of the Christmas Port, Kids in bed all happy and sound asleep.

Drama Triangle. This normally ends up with persecution. In your example there was none. He may have gone V to get R however! I see your point. The DT is more for you. When W acts as a V, you R, she then pushes you to V and she becomes P. This is a pattern to watch for and exit the game ASAP.

MBR. If you are in, stay and explain why - its your F@+king Bed. No need to say anything, just don't move out again. If she needs space, she can go find it. Alternatively, say (boundary) I can't sleep in the same bed with someone that is in an affair. It's disrespectful to me and our R and our F. Sorry, I will not move back until this stops.

Boundaries. As above. These are to show you have a boundary and there are consequences for failure to observe it. This is tricky for me too. But see my post (not written yet).

I will post on the rest. Just catching up...

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Woke_Up

Sorry chap. Been a tad busy. Just catching up....Sat with the last of the Christmas Port, Kids in bed all happy and sound asleep.

Drama Triangle. This normally ends up with persecution. In your example there was none. He may have gone V to get R however! I see your point. The DT is more for you. When W acts as a V, you R, she then pushes you to V and she becomes P. This is a pattern to watch for and exit the game ASAP.

MBR. If you are in, stay and explain why - its your F@+king Bed. No need to say anything, just don't move out again. If she needs space, she can go find it. Alternatively, say (boundary) I can't sleep in the same bed with someone that is in an affair. It's disrespectful to me and our R and our F. Sorry, I will not move back until this stops.

Boundaries. As above. These are to show you have a boundary and there are consequences for failure to observe it. This is tricky for me too. But see my post (not written yet).

I will post on the rest. Just catching up...

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Is there an echo in here?

[Surfer]

she is also a shareholder of it

In your position. I would consider removing her from this role. I have set up a new business which is flying. She is not a shareholder - should be for the same reasons your W is. Take away all financial help is my view. A boundary. Others may have similar or differing views. Put it this way, I chose not to have my W as a shareholder for a reason. Zero involvement zero control.

Your W wants control. She wants to control you. She is. You deserve to be treated in the way your allow people to treat you. Take your bo!!ocks back. She does not know what to do with them anyway.

Surfer.

[Woke_Up]

Thank you Sandi, much appreciated as always.

Today has been OK - she has been semi affectionate at times (prob a temp check), a bit crabby and sarcastic (as usual) at others.

My main trouble is, with W & D around all the time (holidays), I haven't even had 5 minutes to set up an appointment with L, which I want to do, just so I have some facts to keep me steady. I tend to bluster & BS when I don't have facts, and that's easy to spot. If I can take away the fear of not seeing kids every day and the financial fear (if I still have to pay for everything and she gets to stay in the house) - then it will help. I'd like to know that if we S, then at least the house would be sold and we could split any equity. I'm not tight, I just would like to be able to live in a place where D or SS can stay over. I would never have an issue with paying child support, over and above the UK legal requirement. I think it is going to take this much for her to get the wake up call. If I just leave and am financing everything and being held hostage over the kids, it won't work, she won't get the message.

I'm still in the MBR. I'm planning on buying some furniture for it for my stuff - think I mentioned that I had been out of it for so long and that it had never even had my clothes in it. I'm not surprised she started to think of it as hers... but then she started to take control of every room in the house and make those hers as well.

The downside of the MBR is that I can't read any of the books I've bought (DR/Verbal Abusive R's, Love must be Tough).

Tomorrow she has some friends over (Mum's of D's school friends) with their kids, so she told me I could go out (nice). She later managed to change that into you can lock yourself in the study or work in the garden and wasn't happy when I said I'd planned on going out. Started moaning that she supposed SHE would have to do it all. Gaslighting again. Now as it happens, I'd already planned on doing some of the so called 'Manly' tasks, but I will be going to meet a friend I haven't seen for quite a while for lunch. Next week I'm starting some GAL one evening a week and a Saturday morning.

Thanks for your support, I'll keep posting... and I'll keep trying to man up