Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 8

[PsySara]

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

[PsySara]

Came home early today as I am not feeling well. Thought I'd give a basic update. WH continues to speak only monosyllables or grunt/responses to me but I continue to make myself scarce and fill my time talking to friends or working on my PMA. Mostly I've been facing the fear of living without WH and dismantling it. That way I can try apply the techniques of MWD and make decisions from clarity and without regrets.

Last night WH came home from work and washed and waxed my car, he responded with a full sentence when I asked him about some of the closing paperwork. There was less tension between us but we are still living separate/parallel lives. This AM I texted him, "Thank you for washing my car, you always do a fantastic job." No response from him but totally expected. I've been combing over my marriage memories and have decided I don't want WH back if all he can give me is who he used to be. I will only move forward if he starts to improve himself, become more responsible for his own emotional well being and works to undo his severe dysfunction. I definitely will not take him back while I work from a point of fear and rage, I need to be sure I am on solid ground before working on a M.

I still have severe ups and downs but I am able to be more proactive on controlling the flow. I feel more focused and the anxiety is occurring less frequently. I have an appointment with the IC this Friday and we'll see how that goes.

[BluWave]

Sara, what a great update! You are seeing him and your sitch clearly, and you seem so level-headed and down to earth! I recall having these bursts of clarity somewhere around the 6-8 month mark. You are doing the hard work and you on your way!

I hope you will consider printing your last post, or emailing it to yourself, and that you will revisit this post when you start second guessing yourself again. Of course you will second guess and backslide, it is par for the course, but you continue to get stronger and more resilient. One day you will step off this roller coaster, that I know for sure.

You deserve so much more than a carwash, but genuine love, support, appreciation, and commitment!

(((Sara)))
Blu

[skyhigh]

Detaching is not easy, it goes against our primary instinct which is to beg and try to fix things. It's something we have to push ourselves to do. Making yourself scarce is excellent, anyway it removes also yourself from the tension and keep you away from the temptation of reaching out to him. He is in his own world, the more you will try to communicate with him about your relationship, future and feelings, the more he will run away or he will stop any contact with you.

The positive side of your situation is that he is still at home, he didn't run away to live with another OW, he must somehow still care for his children at a certain level. He is in limbo. Treat him at a neighbor, be polite but interactions should be limited to the minimum, it will lessen the pressure that he feels as a MLCer in his mind.

Also try not to initiate any calls, messages or conversations unless you need it absolutely. They interpret those as us trying to trick them back into talking about the relationship in a very sneaking way. They are extremely sensitive to pressure, almost like having an anaphylactic shock to us every times we are making contact with them.
The good side of that, it will help you also to apply GAL better.

Something else if you have to answer a question coming from them, treat it in a very professional, make sure there is no feeling whatever inside, keep it very short. He probably didn't answer your message about the car because "you always do a fantastic job" was too personal, the first portion was ok. The more professional I became with my answers to my husband, the more messages I got. It made him safer, feeling the pressure was going away.

Again, it's not easy to deal with a MLCer don't beat yourself, you are a fantastic woman you have a very clear view of your situation, surround you with a few good friend, laugh is essential, endorphins are good for the mind.

[Jug]

Sara,

I think you are doing great and have so much on your plate. The one thing that I recommend is to stop sending the thank you texts. Detaching is way hard but stopping behaviors like that is the first step.

[skyhigh]

Just stopping by to let you know that you are in my thoughts dear Sara.
Totally agree with Bluwave.
Detach +++ and Gal +++
You will never convince him to say or do whatsoever while he is in full "limbo", so detach and after a while you might notice some touch and go from his part, don't get overexcited by it, play it cool and keep your distance. Mine is begging me (in in his own way), to go on vacation with me, he even books an NYE dinner in the fanciest restaurant in town, I told him at first I was not sure if it was something I wanted to do... He got upset, I reliantly accepted ( I was dying to go)...

[SH_]

I sense a change in the winds and focus for Sara.
You are in my prayers.

[Surfer]

Sara

Totally agree re: you always do such a great job. Next time, clean it ourself and wax it. See what he does - he might see it as you being v independent. Could be worth it.

Work on those rage feelings. They never help. GAL will help and exercise - I know I keep saying this.....

Surfer.

[PsySara]

Hi Blu!
Thanks for your observations and advice, I find your POV invaluable. I find I have made the error a lot of LBS make, I see our past marriage through rose colored glasses and wanted that fantasy person back. The reality is WH and I argued a lot, he felt a lack of physical affection and I felt constantly forced into the parent position (even while working in residency I still did 90% of the housework and childcare.) It made me VERY resentful, add to that the affair and I have no idea why I am fighting for that WH. At this point I just need to get back to my core and view WH for what he really is, a broken man who needs to repair his wounds while I care for my own.

Sky,
When DD#1 happened I became obsessed about texting WH and then berating him when he took hours to respond. I failed woefully at detaching, but then I didn't have DBing either. Once I started DBing I became a master at pulling back via phone and text. Interestingly he used this as an excuse after DD#2, said we were barely communicating so he went back to OW, whatever. Now I only text vital information regarding the kids and the house closing. I have texted him thank you and validating when he does something nice for me as the DB coach recommended this, I keep it short and pleasant. I feel this is exactly how I would behave with a room mate or a neighbor that rakes my yard or something akin to that. Lately I have been staying on the phone with friends or texting when WH is home to keep myself happy and occupied, it's part of my GAL. It also piques WH's curiosity and I see him sometimes wandering byb and trying to peak at my phone.

Jug,
The DB coach said it was okay to thank him for doing me favors but not to go overboard. I will text thank you and maybe validate but then stop. All in all I am fairly detached and am treating him like a room mate.

SH,
Thank you. I really am feeling much more positive and happy. Part of my problem was I was trying to GAL by following what other people do (work out, find a new happy, etc.,) I went back to the bahvior I used to do before WH came into my life and returned to that. I am a HUGE nerd so I decided to start re-watching Game of Thrones while reading the books. I've also been calling/texting all my friends and the hours literally fly by. I still cook dinner for the kids (this is a new GAL activity, at least 4 home cooked meals a week) bathe them and sort their clothes and lunches for tomorrow. I am SO much more content now. My GAL is rather boring but it makes me happy, happy, happy.

Surfer,
Honestly I have no interest in washing and waxing my own car. I'd rather take it in and get it detailed and pay someone else to do it, lol! I do weirdly love to do the interior stuff like vacuuming and cleaning the surfaces. I do need to get to the darn gym more often though, now I want to do it to make myself hawt. I am petite (5'1 and a bit underweight at 108 lbs) but I want to get toned and healthy.

WH worked an extra shift last and this night as well. Today I decided to put a boundary in place, when WH mumbled stuff I simply continued my own activity as if I didn't hear him. This in turn caused him to speak in a normal tone. I made direct eye contact and answered him. I find I don't have to "act as if" at this time, I don't really feel the need to try and pretend to be happy or cheerful in front of him. I basically have focused on my own entertainment and keeping myself busy. At worst he feels like an annoyance and I was a little relieved when he went to work today, I feel more at peace when he is not here. He continues to hide in the spare room or the office when I am home. Sometimes he will wander near me and glimpse at me. He does this most when I am giggling while texting friends, I think he is either curious or maybe a little jealous.

The house closing is going very smoothly, the house will completely in my name. While I know WH can theoretically sue for 50% of the value if we divorce I honestly think he would never do that. One thing he has always been consistent about during this fiasco is he has never tried to control or manipulate me financially. Even when I visited a lawyer (Oct '15) and was told I could not afford the retainer (6K) he offered to pay my retainer, and he meant it. I have complete access to his bank account but he does not have access to mine. (a lesser known rule in Islam, the husband cannot touch the wife's money or assets but the wife has complete access to his) I am so excited to move into my new home, thought I wish there was a way to fast forward through actual moving itself. The downside is I will have a bit of a commute to work but the schools are free and some of the nation's top rated. I also hope I can make some local neighbor friends with kids.

I started the AD that is tailored to nightmares and PTSD. The first night the dose was too high and I had to go home early from work the next day due to serious side effects. The next night I halved the dose and slept wonderfully. My mood and outlook are much improved with a good night's sleep. At this dose it can't be an actual antidepressant but it may not be necessary. I finally feel like I am finding my real self again.

[skyhigh]

Wow you seem doing much better!
So glad you you are reconnecting with what makes you happy, bottom line is finding what is bringing you a positive outlook.
So funny you are mentioning that you husband trying to peak at your phone, my husband did that when I went back in contact with some friends.

My husband gave me as excuses when I caught him with OW1 (a mutual friend)
- that we grew apart because I was too busy with the kids,
- that I was always after him (asking for time together, family time ), not giving him enough space (he used to go for conferences or CMU at least every 2 months, spending his Saturdays with his friends)
so I was too remote and too close.. MLCer mind ... they will come up with whatever excuses to justify what they did, there are no excuses for cheating, but they have to swift the blame to us, to validate their actions. A few months later, after OW2 he said: nothing wrong with you, it's something within me...

I have 2 friends whose husbands cheated on them, their excuses:

husband 1 : she is boring and not smart enough (wife: bachelor in biochemistry... super nice and funny, always in good mood, raising the kids 100% by herself, taking care of his parents...)
they have been divorced since a few years, he is cheating on his actual girlfriend...and is very controlling.... ex-wife happily remarried with somebody worshipping her.

husband 2: wife not giving him enough time, she was taken care of HIS dying mother at their home until her death (while he was busy elsewhere), cleaning and cooking for him, raising his children 100 % by herself. He is living with his OW but kind of depressed, no contact at all with his children and cut all contact with previous friends. Ex-wife: surrounded by her friends and her children, became a very successful executive.

AD takes time to work (you know better than anybody as a physician), and since you are petite and a woman, you need less than the usual dose (it brings memories when I had to calculate drugs). I took Bubropion SR, it worked for me, my other friends took something else, we are all different...