I am so sorry that you've had a health scare. You've done all you can about it at the moment and w/the holidays here, offices are closed and nothing gets done until after the first of the year. Do as much reading as you can on the health issue so that if you have additional questions, you can write them down and ask them when you go back in to see the doctor and/or for testing.
I'm not handing out 2X4's to you. You've got a situation that you felt you needed to discuss w/your h. To me, this was necessary as you are still married. I'm sorry he reacted the way he did, but it all sounds like projection on his part. He's scared as heck about the situation and some people react this way. Illness death scare them and they tend to try to avoid it as much as possible because it reminds them of mortality.
Altair, when it comes to your health and you are concerned and a bit scared, there is nothing that says you have to validate what he is saying about you and how you are handling it. True, their empathy chip is broken, but you might have wanted to cut him off when he continued to harp at you. You don't need that anger and criticism right now. You need compassion and concern. Unfortunately, how can they help you when they can't even help themselves? My advice, if you have a close friend, lean on her/him during this time of uncertainty.
I'm not making excuses for your h, but he's scared and he doesn't know how to handle it. He's angry at the world and let's face it, they don't think that we will ever have a health issue and we'll be right were they left us.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. The new year is right around the corner and I am praying that the report you receive back after the holidays will be a good one. I know that this is going to be on your mind this holiday season, but try to set it aside for just a little while to enjoy yourself. Sending you hugs and positive energy today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Merry Christmas and thank you to you Job for all of your help. I do appreciate it, especially as I have no family for support. But, I will be strong and positive and get through this! Hugs to all.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
I know that you will stay positive and strong, but you need someone to lean on as well when things get tough. Come here, we have broad shoulders and we will help you through this.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Altiar - I am so sorry to hear that you have having health issues. I am sending you a big bear hug - the sort just wraps you up and keeps you safe.
I would suggest that you give some thoughts to how you can manage on your own without H in the case that you need some support during any procedures that may be necessary. A single neighbour of mine is good friends with the man who owns the shop across the street and has relied on him to get him back and forth from appointments. You may not be able to think of anyone right now that you can rely on but give it some thought please. I find it amazing how helpful people can be when you reach out to them.
Take care of yourself my friend. ((((((((((Altair))))))))))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you for the hug, A.P. I'll figure out the health stuff... It will all have to wait until next year anyway. So ridiculous your W can't even text you back a merry christmas.
If I didn't have this forum and learn this is how the MLC/depressed person acts, I think I'd be a mess today. But this is how they are!!
Yet, I know exactly how you feel, I'm quite sure if I sent that text, I'd get the same non-response. Anyway. I did get a text from MIL this morning, that was nice of her. I've not really spoken to her since the summer but I suspect she is worried about H. As for me, last minute, randomly I am going to Las Vegas with a friend. I don't gamble too much but it'll be a nice change of pace (too hectic, actually) I'm off for a few days so it's a getaway. Of course, I'd rather be on a beach somewhere but I couldn't get my act together to make that happen so-- Vegas it is. Maybe I can find Bingo-- I prefer that to gaming because at least someone in the room wins.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
I think a quick trip to Vegas is going to be fun for you. You don't have to gamble, but they do have some really nice shows that you might want to take in while you are there. Go, have fun and know that we are here if you need us.
Travel safely!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi all, made it through Xmas in one piece. Christmas morning, MIL texted me a happy holidays. That made me feel good. Christmas eve, I asked H to call me to wrap up the medical stuff. We talked for a bit. He said he wanted 'a little more space' until the new year as he 'is still processing things'. But that we'd talk after the new year. (I have over analyzed this conversation to an extreme degree) He said things like he's having trouble sleeping in his place but he doesn't want people to worry about him. I assume people are fussing over him and worrying about him, but it certainly isn't coming from me, as I haven't seen him or spoken to him since October. He told me a bit about what's going on with his family and some work stuff. As since BD, he never asks about me and I don't talk about myself. I did say, and I don't know if this was a mistake or if it even matters when the health stuff was happening that I was asking for help as a friend would. He has seemed to relax on the phone immensely since I used the word friend. Took off pressure? I don't know. Anyway, we chatted for a bit about his life, then he said we'd talk in the new year. Then I went to Vegas (where I am now)and played Paigo poker for hours and hours, lost 70 which is fine, and I've been people watching and sitting and thinking about my life, a lot. Conclusions right now? H is a pretty depressed person. All the while when I thought he was not an angry person, it turns out he was, it was just directed inward or towards me in a ball of resentment. Now, since his therapy, I think he is more open about his frustration with me and honestly, it's too much. I'm not perfect. He gets frustrated with his mother or father for some ridiculous things they do, but he loves them and accepts them. WIth me, no, I don't get a pass. A small action on my part is unforgivable. I see this now, his intolerance and lack of respect for me. It's sad to see. But I am stronger now and don't live with him and don't see him so the tiny doses of it don't crush me anymore. I am ok.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Ah, one more thing. H brought up wanting more space-- I never brought up R stuff. I was like okay, no worries, just trying to clear up this medical stuff is all. It's almost humorous, he's still responding to the begging pleading Altair of May. That Altair is gone.
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
I'm glad you went to Vegas. You didn't lose too much money and you have time to walk around, people watch and yes reflect on your relationship.
As for him not sleeping, that's depression, but also his guilt is coming out to play when he doesn't have other things to occupy his mind. I seriously doubt that anyone else has said anything about his health or sleeping habits.
MLCers will not inquire as to how you are doing or show any interest in the area. Keep in mind, we are the enemy right now and we could be perfect in every way and they would still find something to gripe about. It's him...not you.
Yes, you took the pressure off of him by using the word "friend". He relaxed because you aren't expecting him to act like a husband, but more like a friend, nothing more. I think you will find that if you can keep this "friend" relationship going, he'll be more open to talking and possibly asking more about your situation, i.e., health.
Right now, he's going to want to be around his family because he's reliving his youth and yes, they do accept them, i.e., warts and all...but there will come a time when he'll begin to understand why he's so unhappy and depressed and hopefully begin to look within. Depression is about the past. Anxiety is about the future.
Altair, now is the time to focus on you and your health. Try not to over analyze what he says because tomorrow, it could change.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
