Hi everyone, am a total newbie but have been reading posts on here for a few weeks now and am reaching out because am at the end of my rope here. Married 13 years, when he was 23 and I 25. One DS, 3 years old. Based in the UK.
Husband moved out in July after a couple of months when I found out about affair 3 (first two were EAs). At the time I didn't know about DB-ing and did everything wrong - was hideously angry and did lots of shouting and screaming which H can't deal with - I just didn't realise how deeply conflict avoidant he was. AP no. 3 backs off because she didn't realise he was married. End August H says he wants out of marriage, but is highly emotional, so I tell him I can't accept this decision until he's calm and rational. I start learning about DB-ing and fully accept my part in the breakdown - apologise to him loads. He tells me he is staying with his friend.
Beginning September I find evidence of EA/PA - no. 4. H explains he only went to her because he needed the comfort. He tells me he tells her its over while he sorts us out. Because I feel he is fragile, I don't press him for evidence, but carry on surveillance when I can. In the meantime am being loving and patient, giving him space when he says he needs it to 'think'. Mid November I find out he's never stopped affair. 'Thinking' time was actually AP time. He then confesses love for AP. Says they want to be together, but would 'sacrifice' to keep family together. He goes to dump her, but after four hours at hers, comes back and dumps me. In shock, I let him go. The next day he calls me and tells me he thinks he's made a mistake. And does so for one solid week. A week after he first leaves, he makes an appt with a marriage counsellor and asks her all sorts of questions about how to end an affair, how to rebuild etc. Plans to break up with AP the next day. After putting me through total agony, at the end of the day he calls me from AP's place and tells me "I'm done with you." I ask him why he put me through the last week of telling me he thought he had made a mistake. He said it was only for our son, and if I would stay in London (am thinking of moving back to my country of origin Singapore) with our son after the divorce he "would never have bothered" with me.
That was 24 Nov 2016. Went into 180 unknowingly after that, but maintained open channels of comm around access to son. He's completely relaxed and chatty around me - you wouldn't know he had left me for another woman.
Figured out a week ago he lied about when affair started and decided to go NC for my own protection - I can't take the acting like everything is fine and chatting about what Christmas gifts to get our son. Using his mother as intermediary. Which both of us have stuck to religiously.
I have Michele's Divorce Remedy and am following the Last Resort Technique. Does it work? I can't find many stories that it does. Any advice? I am not coping. I have great friends and family support but EVERYONE is getting really fed up with me trying to save this. I even went to see a priest and he told me to give up and move on : (
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in. I went ahead and moved your post to Newcomers so that more people will see it and be able to offer support.
At this point you can't believe any of what he says and only half of what he does. Focus on being the best mom and person that only a fool would leave. The key is to do it for yourself, not him.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. We work with many, many international clients. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I have to agree with your forum name. 2016 has definitely sucked for me. Yes. The LRT DOES work. Deploy it NOW and stick to it. Detach, 180 and GAL. You can't "love" him out of this mess he has created. Now is the time to focus on you. If you want to save your M, you have to let him go. It sounds backwards but it does work. Dont put up with his BS. He's got some serious issues if he has had 4 A's. That is a problem that HE needs to fix. You can't fix it for him. Only you can decide if you've "had enough." If you want to try and save the M, this method works. But he's got to do his part. Its great that he's interested in MC but right now, believe NONE of what he says. Its his ACTIONS that matter. And even then, take those with a grain of salt until he has proven that he is a changed man. The one piece of advice that I can give is DONT take him back too quickly. Make him work to regain his place in your MR.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
2016sux.......sorry you are here. I have only recently posted on this board myself, but lurked for about a month before I did post. I have found the support here just in the past few days to be fantastic. I am in no position to give any advice, but I am definitely here to listen and give support when needed.
Lim...I love what you said about how "you can't love him out of this mess he created" THAT definitely hit home. For me what is so hard is that they don't seem to see the mess they have made. They have moved on with their lives like the past never existed. I find that so hard to deal with.
Thanks so much to everyone that posted back! You guys are amazing!
Cadet - thanks so much for the comprehensive post, you've given me a proper induction. I have the Divorce Remedy book and have been dipping in and out but find it painful to read it from the beginning because so much of it is based on the premise that your spouse is still living with you. It's a painful reminder of how much I've lost : (
skm0619 - thanks for the support. It's really good to know I'm not alone in this. Will try to figure out how to look up posts and will look at yours.
LiM - I smiled when I read your post. Bring on 2017! I cannot wait to see this year gone. I am totally intrigued by your assertion that LRT does work - I can see from your signature you've had a really rocky ride this last year. Did you go to LRT straight away or was it after 2nd BD? Sorry I am new to forums and have to figure out how to look up your posts. Btw, my WH is not interested in counselling anymore. At the moment he is completely sticking to being happy with his OW.
At the moment I am in Singapore with my family - got here yesterday. My WH has our son for X'mas - he extracted a promise from me months ago that if we split up he could have him for the holidays. Looking back now it makes me think he never intended to work on the marriage. I have gone dark. The only person I am communicating with is his mother - she is facilitating the daily FaceTime sessions with my son who is staying with her for X'mas.
WH is sending me pictures of our son everyday, which I would normally have read hope into but I've just spent the afternoon with my best friend who's whacked that idea right out of my head. She understands WH better than I do because they are both conflict avoidant and she is totally convinced WH has zero intention of ever returning and is only being nice to me because that is what he values - niceness.
I don't know how to respond to the pictures he's sending, so I've just gone for a simple 'Thanks'. The impression he has of me at the moment, which he's also painted to his OW seems to be that I am an evil horrible witch, even though I've been loving and giving for the last few months. I don't want to give him any ammunition. Being polite is important to WH.
I am going to definitely stick to LRT and also will be focussed 100% on GAL. I don't have a choice really. For anybody new who's reading this, forget with the reasoning and trying to make them stay. It really doesn't work : (
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Totally. This is such valuable advice. I've got my DR book by my bedside and I've realised I've forgotten to delete the browser history off my laptop which is at home while I'm out of the country, so I've asked a friend to pop in and take it back to hers so the WH can't get his hands on it.
LiM - I'm sitting here reading going through your posts - what a ride! I can totally relate to the multiple BDs - in my case I think this year alone there were 4 - first in May when I discovered what I thought was just an EA with OW3, then evidence of PA with OW3 came in July, then new OW4 turns up beginning Sep, then evidence he never stopped with OW4 in November despite promising to. I have always said it and I maintain it still - the lying is worse than the affairs. It's traumatic. In a way I can forgiven the affairs easier than I can forgive the lying.
I've also experienced becoming stronger in my faith through this which was unexpected - though raised Catholic I have always been agnostic. But WH is a diehard atheist. He thinks religion is for weakminded silly people. So I don't have that to bring him back to his senses. His overriding rule is what feels good is right : (
I am feeling v low because I can't find a single person I know who says I shouldn't give up hope. Everyone I know is saying it's done, totally dead in the water, can't you see he left you ages ago etc... I'm having to keep my DB-ing efforts secret because everyone is so fed up with me. In my desperation I even went to see a priest and even he told me to give up!
I know I have to detach and GAL. Which is what I'm working on. And I know I should be doing it only for myself because there are no guarantees he will ever return.
If you've a story about how you've come back from the absolute brink, I would love to hear it. Actually, I think I'm way over the cliff's edge already, just free falling now : (
Apart from letting him go, is there anything I can do to make things better between us? At the moment he's sending me pics of our son but no messages and I'm just sending 'Thanks' back every other day or so.
I can kind of see both points - I ran myself into the ground with XW who had multiple affairs, stole money, etc, and I tried so "nobly and husbandly" to fight for her - while everyone told me I was crazy and to give up. But she was truly broken, and there was not a single thing in the world I could've done to bring her back, and it ended up costing me an additional 18 mo of my life just trying to heal from how her brokenness broke ME.
I would say the BEST thing you can do is let him go. For you and for him. The first time I let XW go in the midst of her cheating and lying and stealing, she became so jealous and came back so "DBing worked". The second time I let her go, I finally began to heal, so "DBing worked".
Either way, let go. Start watching a movie, and count off two hours of not talking to him or anyone about it. Then call a friend and vent. Then try to go 8 hours at work without contacting or responding. Then try a day at work, plus an hour in the gym. Then a day at work, a happy hour with friends, and an hour in the gym. I found breaking it up into bite-size chunks and slowly adding made it much easier.
I don't know what works for you, but find your formula!
