Not sure where I am so no title!

[Sotto]

Oh, and one more thing I wanted to say...your M has been of a similar length to mine - ie: you have successfully lived the vast majority of your life not married to this man!!

Sometimes we get posters here who are spinning because they have spent the past 25+ years with their spouse - the whole of their adulthood. They are are reeling and wondering just who they are without their spouse. Such a rejection is primal and cuts to the very foundations of your identity.

In a shorter M, that happens - though to a lesser degree - because so much more of your life has been lived independent of the M. Ie: there is something more of 'you - just you' there to 'refind.'

I hope this helps anyway, my lovely xx

[Coly23]

Thank you all for your comments I appreciate your honesty.

I am still so confused. I spent months not saying anything, not having any R talks, having minimal contact to no contact and my sitch was at a standstill. Friends and family encouraged me to talk to H but I refused. Now it seems to be slowly moving I don't want to go back to that time again. There was zero progress and it didn't do my mental health any good.

Also I think there might be some confusion over H's comments about me not having any R talks. I did not initiate nor did I intend to initiate ant R talks with him. That was just a comment he made because I was annoyed about the time he was intending to come over in Xmas eve. It made me annoyed because I have left him alone in his man cave except for one melt down so I did not think he was justified in his comments. It didn't spoil out evening though. In fact we had a great time and the fact that we could both forget about our little argument earlier in the day is a positive step as in the past we probably would have both just sulked!

I'm going to observe what happens after Xmas and see if H is still interested in continuing to see us or if it is just a seasonal thing. He did say that he would like to start up coming over once a week to spend as a family and that happened before Christmas. For me I understood DB'ng was trying different things and observing, adjusting and not continuing to go down cheesless tunnels. If H kept refusing to come and see me that would be a cheesless tunnel and I would have stopped asking. And off course if he is cake eating then I will broach that subject with him at some point.

Thanks once again everyone!

[AndrewP]

Coly23 my dear. How are you doing? It's very frustrating to have things suddenly take a left turn when you start thinking that you are making progress. You are indeed making progress. The Coly23 who wrote these last few posts is a stronger, more confident Coly23 than before.

With a vanisher like what we have it can be quite difficult to know if there is indeed cheese in a particular tunnel or not. The immediate feedback, often times in the form of spew that some other LBS's get does not come our way. It's more like playing a game of BattleShip than finding cheese I think sometimes. I am perhaps a bit "fortunate" in comparison because I do see a sliver of my W's mind (she's having a crappy day today) via her Facebook postings. In your case you have pretty much only your IRL contacts which are far more intense.

Keep the image of a scared squirrel in mind though and also remember what we are told that this is a special, magical time of year. Anything thing that comes about now may collapse into so much pumpkin dust and mouse-poop come the stroke of midnight on December 31st. But, the squirrel knows that you are out there, that you still love and care for him and we can both hope that memory will build over time as he rediscovers himself and loves himself.

Please take care of yourself and your D and best wishes for a wonderful New Years.

[Coly23]

Hey AP, great to hear from you! I am also worried that H will start to pull back after the festive season but I won't know until like you say the stroje of midnight on NYE when everything turns to dust!

However, H did text me yesterday and asked to take myself and D out to lunch on NY day (I promise I did not ask him first!) so maybe that's a positive? IDK, these days i'm afraid to take anything as a positive unless it's an outright apology and H is grovelling to come back. It seems baby steps don't count in the world of MLC!

I am spinning today a bit though AP. I've had an invitation to go to my Sister's for NY Eve but I'm not sure I am up to it. I haven't asked H what he is doing but I don't think it will be a wild night for him otherwise he wouldn't be asking to see us the next day but I really want to be with him on NY Eve. It hurts so much I just want this year to be over with and to just sleep through NY Eve. I think about all the couples making promises to each other at the stroke of midnight and it breaks my heart.

I know I have developed a better relationship with my H than some on this board and I like to think that some of this is due to my DB'ng but nit sure everyone will agree! A couple of months ago H would take hours even days to respond to a text but now he responds soon after. He has become softer in his interactions with me and talks about US and WE. But when I read through the old posts and see the baby steps in their R's and then D in the signature it makes me so sad and want to just give up.

I'm sorry for the down post. I will be ok once NY Eve is out of the way.

Wishing you and everyone on this board a wonderful NY full of hope, love and happiness! X

[job]

Coly,

If your h has asked to spend NY day w/him, then do so. Since he didn't ask you to spend NYE w/him, I would make other plans for that night. He may already have other plans for NYE and that's why he didn't ask you to spend it w/him. I know you want to spend NYE w/him, but he didn't ask you and I wouldn't broach the subject w/him. Go to your sister's and have a good time because you know that you'll be spending the day w/him.

BTW, baby steps do count in the world of MLC, so do moments of clarity...but we have to be careful not to get our hopes up or our expectations too high because the MLC will change up in a minute. Let's see how things go after the holidays and if he keeps asking to take you and your D out, then maybe he's on a roll...but for now...make plans to go to your sister's.

The new year is right around the corner. What are your goals for 2017?

[Coly23]

Thanks Job, I have accepted my Sister's invitation.

I just feel so hurt that he doesn't want to spend it with us. I don't know how to stop feeling like this. i just want to throw in the towel today. I don't want this to be my life anymore I've just got nothing left to give and I'm in danger of jeapardising everything I have built up over these past few months. :0(

[pinn]

Happy new year Coly. There are going to be ups and downs and you have had a lot of nice ups over the past few months. Don't let this thing bring you down. Try and enjoy the night at your sisters.

Try not to read into the fact that he has not asked you to do anything. Who knows whats going on.

On to 2017!

[d_Rose]

Hi Coly,

I can relate to the daily pain of realizing our MLCers do not want to be with us right now. It hurts. No way around it. I am still waiting for that fresh, raw hurt to go away. But at the same time I have gotten used to living with it. The new normal.

Now the challenge is to let ourselves imagine a future with joy and happiness not tied to our H. If they choose to join us, great. This is the step that is hard for me, as right now my vision of a happy future is tied to the outcome of our marriage. I know I will survive regardless, but still need to really internalize and "feel" that I can find peace and joy again regardless of the outcome. I know I can't do that if all my thoughts and energy are focused on him and his actions vs. doing things for myself. It really is a daily struggle to refocus on me vs. what I want him to do. We cannot control the choices they make.

I know our situations are a little different. Maybe easier for me to put up a (very low) wall - all I have to do is think of him sleeping with OW. But our timelines are similar - I know how painful it still is for you. I think it is positive he asked to spend New Years Day with you and D. Enjoy and try not to read too much or too little into it. Try to just "be" in the moment.

Hope you decide to go to your Sister's on NYE - sounds like fun!

[Altair]

Hi Coly,
Picture H feeling overwhelmed by the joy of NYE, and him wanting to hide at home alone in the flat, watching TV. Sounds like he only has so much to give right now.
Do you know if he ever went to an IC?

[AndrewP]

I really want to be with him on NY Eve. It hurts so much I just want this year to be over with and to just sleep through NY Eve. I think about all the couples making promises to each other at the stroke of midnight and it breaks my heart.

I've joked that I'm going to eat a big bag of prunes and let the old year pass out that way

Yep - this is another tough one. This will be the first year ever that I will be alone on NYE. Even last year when I think OM was at least being considered if not an active affair I still got a loving kiss from W at midnight. My 27th from her. I have promised S22/D24 that I will text them after midnight. I need to get a heavy-duty elastic to keep from contacting W. No clue what if any plans she has.

Thank you for the kind wishes and the same back to you and your D.