I sense that you feel like you are ready to drop the rope. I get it, it took me a year to come to terms with XW and that I am probably better off at this stage in my life.
As others have said, before you make a decision from emotions, distance yourself. It is hard with as young as your children are, I get it, we are living similar lives. Give yourself a few days and see how you feel then.
I sense that you are still trying to figure out the "fix" to make WH come back to you. TBH, the LBS does not have that power, that is up to the WAS.
I know this is probably against DB, but I am saying it anyway, talk to an L, know your rights, who cares if you have to do the work. The WAS will always blame the LBS.
If you think the right thing to do in order to ensure you are no longer on the emotional rollercoaster and you want to buy the house, buy it and move in with the kids. Do not let WH in YOUR home and let him figure his sh*t out.
I sense your heart is still torn because your H justifies himself with his own logic that does not align with yours.
Find the path of detachment that will make you happy and eliminates the drama from your life. Those who want to be a part of your life will follow.
(((Sara)))
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Sara, Many here love and respect you and want to help you... Please listen with an open mind and heart. There are many that can share thoughts, advice, tips and ideas that you can benefit from...
In order for that to happen, you will need to sit back and start with a beginners mindset. You will have to go against all that "feels" right in what you do. You have applied DB principles like a champ...perhaps the focus has been much on the principles and techniques that were not for your sitch...
LRT has been the principle for you sitch from the moment you arrived here...
Please sit and take note of the many that have traveled the road before you. The many that have travelled the road with you and move forward successfully... You can not follow a step by step process at this point... You must follow the principles and apply what works...
Your question is how to go NC...and you follow with all of the reasons you cannot... Perhaps look too the reasons and approaches that you can.
MWD just sent out an email that was titled "Practice what you preach"... She says "Knowing what causes solutions is a great deal more helpful than knowing what causes problems." "That's because, "What you focus on, expands." Now, just remember that, [Sara]."
You recently mentioned to me too not focus on the thoughts and ideas of others...make it my own...I want to encourage you of the opposite... You are in the role of student now...you are a beginner...you must first learn the principles from others...then the potential approaches for applicability...then make it yours... Doing it out of order will set you up to delay the struggle if not lead to a place that one does not want to g... You will have to open your mind too the possibilities of the good that can come from it all, if you can apply the principles i order and effectively...
I wish that I could just pull you out of the pain, but I know and believe as a dear neighbor of ours, recently told me..."The only way is through it"...
You can do this...start with looking yourself in the eyes and accepting you for who you are...and accepting the BS that you are feeding yourself... then start the process of learning what you must and taking actions contra to your natural habits. You will prevail...you have an army of us here to provide a helping hand of support, comfort and cheerleading...you will need to do the work, but we are here.
((((((((((Sara))))))))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
It's hard to do but essentially you deal with them at admin level. Sleep separately, have food there but don't share meals. Don't wash cook or clean for them. No conversation and leave the room.
Essentially you use grey rock as modified to achieve it.
That's what I did in my in-house S, until the Giggalo left completely.
You treat them to grey rock, cool robot and medium chill.
It is possible.
Please get an L.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Sara, I'm going to be brief and direct because although I know you are hurting terribly right now (you know I've been there and stayed in a M with an ongoing affair and lying and cheating for 2 years), but there are long-term concerns here. Have you seen a L? Do you have an IC?
You can't waive child support on behalf of your children. Just the thought tells me that you need to talk to a L.
You are trying to do everything yourself, but you know what they say about the doctor who treats herself...
Get the professional help you need. Don't buy a house until you know the legal ramifications in the state you live in now. Don't set any terms or make any decisions. This is extremely complicated and should not be attempted at home.
(((((Sara)))))
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I want to echo what others said -- take it easy!!! Nothing important is going to change over a few days, or even a few weeks.
Know that we are all rooting for you and your well-being.
It's hard to get to know someone just through the forum, but you seem to be a super intense, take the bull by the horn kind of a person. Strong willed. The flip-side of that is that I think you can get really wrapped up in your point of view, in your game plan.
I hope you will take a deep breath and take some time to just BE. And listen to various voices in your life that you value, including those that you may not agree with. Listen to the whole cacophony ... I think it's good to take the focus of your own voice for a while.
My two -- I mean, five -- cents worth ....
p.s. I encourage you to take the hijab off, if that makes you feel stronger. No matter what faith or culture, we all walk around with our own version of the hijab, mental or material.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Do something for the rage and despair. Find a friend to go out with and talk, run, dance etc. Can you get a baby-sitter??? IDK. you know what works best for you. Pop round Cherry's for a facial and nail evening and have a good chat, a glass of wine etc. Seriously - do something, even if its focussing on a christmassy feeling for the kids (even if its Act As If). I am struggling with what to say for you but you will know....
Forget what he is saying. He is feeling trapped and trying to get you to do the heavy lift. Just do exactly what you are good at - ignore what he is saying. If he wants a divorce, jog on WH - your journey. Telling you, you need a L, why did you ever want him now, he is such was such a good WH its contradictory and it is frankly gaslighting. Ignore him. He comes back slamming drawers - is it because he is happy? Surely he must be as he has laid out his plans, knows exactly what he wants and is happy with his choice. I always slam drawers when I am happy. Infact I think in "The Sound of Music" I seem to recall Maria Von Trapp saying this is one of her 'Favourite Things' just after whiskers on kittens.
Nah, meh!
If he does go, you would be fine. More than fine (I am). Just don't stress over it. Be kind to yourself. Ignore this teenagers behaviour. Go about your business, nothing to be seen here....
Surfer
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
That's my first post, I have been reading your posts and others since a few months now. We have a lot in common that's why I became attached to your thread.
You are a very courageous woman but your husband is not on the same planet as you are in term of logic, he is still in the fog, he is still missing his AP. He cheated because something is wrong with him not you, even if he trying to convince you of the opposite, he needs to find a excuse to justify his behavior and his actions because he knows deep down that's plain wrong to cheat and he is provoking you with his remarks to push you to leave him so the decision won't be his but yours, another trick to shift the blame of that kind of decision from him to you. He still believes the world revolves around him and his only priority is his own happiness. It is a strong tendency among cheating male physicians since they are used to be served and their egos stroked several times a day by a myriad of women, I am married to one (powerful and successful) and I witnessed also first hand how they can be nasty with with their wives when they want out.
I know how much pain you have in your heart and how much it hurts thinking your children might grow without having their father in their daily life. They need you as a strong loving mom and they need you not to be in a constant internal pain, and right now you might need to let it go (GAL) not only for you but for them. Even if they are still young they do feel that something is not right now (my youngest one was very sensitive to the tension in the house, the oldest ones they knew what he did) and ask him (verbally) perhaps his opinion about him moving out for a few weeks or months (also in case of divorce he was the one who abandoned the marital home, better to secure full custody of the kids, you might be really surprised how some who didn't want the kids fought for them just to keep some money or put pressure to get what they wanted on their wives) so he can make up his mind without pressure and then you will evaluate the situation (No contact others than the ones needed for the kids, also keep all those messages for later on, it can show how much involved he was with the kids), you need to find some rest, some peace, your home should be your refuge so you can recharge your battery after you workday and be yourself for your kids.
It doesn't mean you have to ask for a divorce but it is obvious you tried everything and you need now to focus on yourself and your kids. It took me several months and the help of a few friends who went though that ordeal to realize that he was only focused on himself after that epiphany my life changed, I started to detach myself from him and my pain went down significantly, it doesn't mean I didn't have any more feelings for him but my mind was not obsessing anymore on how to fix him or our relationship, I was able to rebuild myself as a person and a better mom, they only had me since he didn't care much about them, and college was around the corner for 2 of them. Since we (me and the kids) detached, he is becoming more interested in their lives.
Also boundaries need to be established and reinforced, being respected is a must, be specific and state the consequences. Remember children learn life and what is ok or not by watching us. At one point my son started to talk to me the same way his dad was, that's when I realized how kids can reproduce relationship models without being conscious of them, since the boundaries are up he changed because the boundaries are for all of us.
You will never be able to convince him to change in his current state of mind, the more you will chase him the more he will run away. He never had to be afraid to lose you since you kept begging him, he was always in charge of the game. Remember cheaters like to be in control, because that their way to feel in power/secure and they will say whatever you want to hear (don't believe their words) to stay in control of the situation. When they feel that they are losing you they become nice just to give you some hope to regain control on you. Also once he will be living by himself he won't be able to blame you for whatever is wrong in his life, also he will realize that taking care of kids is really time consuming. Sara, you need to asses what is the best for you in that very moment, it doesn't mean the decision you make will have to stay for forever, you can always assess, change, re-evaluate.
Life is not a straight line, it is more like Honors Geometry, several steps before the final solution and sometimes you might have to recalculate again specially if the professor decides to change the values.
Plenty of hugs,
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
SH, I am thinking to visit about 3 lawyers and seek counsel on how to proceed. This would not be a hasty process, most likely would last a few months, I would also need to build funds for a retainer. I figure if it would be less harmful for the kids to come from a broken home than to live in one, then I will proceed. I would listen carefully and would listen to the experts advice.
Vanilla, My anger chokes me, robs me of my joy and peace. It wakes me during the night and I have these cyclical thoughts which kindle the anger worse and worse. The anger inevitably leads to deep, aching sadness which then causes this dark cloud to settle down into my throat, stomach, my heart. I don't want anger, I don't want depression...I yearn for peace. I just don't know if that peace will ever come. It's like I havee this wound which festers and I am at a loss on how to get it to heal. I go to IC, I read, I thought stop, I deep breathe and yet...this pain persists. This man, who I thought was my soulmate, is practically sociopathic in his coldness. In March he promised me he would never cheat again and I agreed to give us a second chance, mere days later he told the OW to not consider my pain and they started sleeping together again. My God, it's breath taking in it's awfulness.
Sotto, It's like I've regressed, huh? It's bizarre, my pain is as intense as it was shortly after dday #1. My sleep has vanished, my nightmares have intensified. I made an appointment with my IC to start EMDR but she had to cancel due to a scheduling conflict. So I hold tight with grim determination to my ability to function. But I've lost my appetite and my heart has started to act up again, heart rate shooting into the 130s-140s. I've made an appointment with the cardiologist on the 3rd and most likely will have to undergo ablation. This man literally broke my heart. Why am I struggling so hard all of a sudden? I am perplexed.
Jim, I am seriously considering telling WH to find an apartment when I move into the new house. I feel his presence is more toxic at this point than helpful.
Painter, I saw two lawyers when I was completing my residency, the laws are different in that state than the one I live in presently. I've done some basic research about the requirements to file here, a six month waiting period is required. I've now officially lived her 6 month, WH has only lived here for 3 months. I've been seeing an IC here and there since July. She is highly qualified but our schedules often conflict as we are both mental healthcare professionals. I have screwed up with the self care. My heart is messing up again and I am losing weight, I may soon start an antidepressant that also stops nightmares and increases appetite.
ForGump, The good news is I won't be able to act on my impulse for at least a month or two. I will need to finish the closing on the house, get the kids sorted with regards to education, and consult a few lawyers. I am in such a physically weakened state presently that I have no choice but to just BE. I have exhausted my mental stores trying to save a M and have neglected my GAL. So I need to step back and step down. I need to rest.
Surfer, Message received, I definitely need to do better self care. My body is beginning to break down and that means my children are getting a sub par mother. I've made a few doctor's appointments to diagnose and treat my heart, my (newly) diagnosed precancerous cells, and my mental health. I also need to start getting out a bit more and distnace myself from this turmoil.
Skyhigh, You honor me by registering just to reply to me. I was so touched by your words and your advice. I need to listen to all you wise posters and DETACH. I feel like I keep acting detached but have not accomplished the real thing yet. If I had I wouldn't be spinning this hard all of a sudden. I will re-read your experience and advice, I will try to absorb it and apply it appropriately.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
DD 6th b-day was yesterday. I bought balloons and a cake and waited until WH came home from call (8 pm) so we could sing her happy birthday and she blew out her candles. WH mostly said nothing and would grunt if I asked a question, he didn't even sing her happy b-day song. What an @ss. I got the kids ready for bed and tucked them in. I bought a nice car in July (which WH put a very large down payment on) and accidentally scratched it pulling it into the garage in September. WH paid for the repair and since then has been parking it for me in the garage. Even though he is not communicating with me and has gone back to stone walling me he continues to park my car. This is so odd to me.
Tonight I came home an hour late, spent some time on my phone chatting with a friend when I got off work. When I arrived home WH was bathing the kids and got the baby ready for bed. Then he went for a motorcycle ride and told me he would be back in 45 minutes. He fell asleep in the MB putting the kids to bed. Now I am watching GOT while updating and wondering what to do? Do I wake him and ask him to sleep in the spare room as he's been doing since our fight or let him stay? I'll probably go to sleep in the MB and he will get up eventually and sulk his way into the spare room.
I have to have a more invasive procedure next week as the colposcopy showed cancerous cells. The week after that I see a cardiologist for my heart. I feel like an old car falling apart.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
When you will look for a lawyer, take your time and don't hesitate to ask some divorced women who were their lawyers and how satisfied they were with. Look for a very experienced one, there are so many situations that can arise, experience is the key, you don't want to lose money or time on extra paperwork that are not needed but make sure your position is well represented. The more a lawyer is despised by an ex-husband the better he was for his ex-wife. Usually a retainer fee is around $ 5.000 you can take the money from your main account, don't be shy or borrow money from a credit federal union connected through your employer (your husband won't know), their rates are extremely low for physicians.
Make an appointment with your personal physician and ask if some anti depressants and sleep aids might help, they helped me a lot, I didn't want to take any for about one year (I was also in the medical field before staying at home and raising my children and I thought I could deal without) even after one of my friends (another divorced doctor's wife) suggested it to me, they were life savers. She was so right, it helped me tremendously. I am now off from them, but sure they helped me to go through the second OW, the college visits and regain control of my mind. Take care of your health, you are now the only responsible parent. Everything will be fine, it is a process, remember step by step, accept help from friends and detach. Take a few days off if needed, your health is your children future.
Don't get fooled by him being nice today, my husband used to do that when he knew he went too far (flowers, gifts, jewelry, emptying the dishwasher..), respect and help should be daily not only after a fight to make up to feel good for the offender. He didn't care about his child happiness for her birthday it says a lot about his own selfishness. Mine was not here for his youngest one's birthday this year. His schedule was too busy, he makes his own schedule... Their priorities are themselves.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
Seriously - do something, even if its focussing on a christmassy feeling for the kids (even if its Act As If). I am struggling with what to say for you but you will know....