Here it is, close to christmas. My W and I have had a rough 6 months. First I confronted her about secret companionship (Possible EA or PA). Then we have been fighting since this was a huge deal to me. We have sought marital counsel. We have agreed to get along for our kids (1 and 8). We currently live in the same household. Right now, sleeping in the same bed, as opposed to earlier sleeping in different rooms. I beleive it was affecting my children. Now she dropped the bomb that she wants to move out in January. I am guessing she wants to get her finances together and stay around for the family through the holidays. She says she loves me and has some kind of feelings for me but needs to get away. I have told her once she leaves that I will completely give up on our marriage. I have fought for it for 6 months now. My sons pediatrician told me to never say never, he is a christian man as I am. He talked to me last week when I took my son in for an appt because he has been aware of our issues, including her postpartum depression bouts. I have been reading DB book and feel like i have already done most of the talking points thus far with negative results. I just want to be a nice guy, and know I did the right thing until the end. The end will be her leaving our house and/or filing separation papers. I know she is having a tough time because I can't imagine telling her I wanted to move out. But its hard for me as well because it will affect my life forever too. How should I act? She did call our marriage counsellor for another session but had to cancel due to another dr appt. She is trying to reschdule as far as I know.
this is week 4 of her weaning off meds. She seems ill at the fact that she is doing this for everyone but herself. Started indicating she wants to move out. Says she loves me. How much of this could be manipulation?
well, i have told my W that if she moves outside our town that she wont have to worry about seeing them on a regular basis. My childrens childhood is most important and having a child an established school is important. I know, it sounds bad, but it is not their decision for us to split if we do, its hers.
What did she say to that? Has there been an agreement in court/papers saying such - you have custody, right?
Even though ours is "joint," I made sure to get the education tie-breaker to me. Meaning, the she can't take the kids out of the state or even move them to another school. When she leaves the military, ours will go to a standard visitation.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
this is week 4 of her weaning off meds. She seems ill at the fact that she is doing this for everyone but herself. Started indicating she wants to move out. Says she loves me. How much of this could be manipulation?
Not sure - but I'd be careful of any form of manipulation. Mine tried everything in the book, which worked early on but I caught on quick. And definitely be careful what you say/agree to in text/email/any written thing. Very careful.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Here it is, close to christmas. My W and I have had a rough 6 months. First I confronted her about secret companionship (Possible EA or PA). Then we have been fighting since this was a huge deal to me. We have sought marital counsel. We have agreed to get along for our kids (1 and 8). We currently live in the same household. Right now, sleeping in the same bed, as opposed to earlier sleeping in different rooms. I beleive it was affecting my children. Now she dropped the bomb that she wants to move out in January. I am guessing she wants to get her finances together and stay around for the family through the holidays. She says she loves me and has some kind of feelings for me but needs to get away. I have told her once she leaves that I will completely give up on our marriage. I have fought for it for 6 months now. My sons pediatrician told me to never say never, he is a christian man as I am. He talked to me last week when I took my son in for an appt because he has been aware of our issues, including her postpartum depression bouts. I have been reading DB book and feel like i have already done most of the talking points thus far with negative results. I just want to be a nice guy, and know I did the right thing until the end. The end will be her leaving our house and/or filing separation papers. I know she is having a tough time because I can't imagine telling her I wanted to move out. But its hard for me as well because it will affect my life forever too. How should I act? She did call our marriage counsellor for another session but had to cancel due to another dr appt. She is trying to reschdule as far as I know.
Hi MLH! It's tough, I know. Been there...for much longer than I want to admit or remember.
First, this "secret companionship." What is this? If she is keeping it secret, then it is either an EA or PA, or an EA that turned into a PA. No real in betweens on secrecy.
Like you, I did the things on here and a lot they said not to do. My ex is a different bird. Nothing worked with her. It took over a year before I filed...and I didn't want to and part of me wishes I hadn't, just because.
The fact that you are having a tough time doesn't mean she is. Mine wanted out, too. Didn't faze her a bit that I was hurting. However, at the time mine was in a PA and I mattered nothing to her. Not a d**n thing.
Mine also suggest a counselor, but instead of working on us and our marriage, it was to cover her bases and say she tried. How do I know this? Because at the time (unbeknownst to me) she was well in the middle of the affair and she told the MC (later my IC) that she definitely was not having an affair. Straight up lied. So, I wouldn't look too much into that...now if she were to go and turn around on you, that's different. But if she goes and it doesn't help, or she balks, or starts cancelling for various reasons (drs appointments are familiar to me), then those are flags.
I'm sorry you are in this, my friend. The best you can do is be the best Dad you can and get yourself straight. You do that, and you'll be fine. Your son needs you to be his rock.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Here it is, close to christmas. My W and I have had a rough 6 months. First I confronted her about secret companionship (Possible EA or PA). Then we have been fighting since this was a huge deal to me. We have sought marital counsel. We have agreed to get along for our kids (1 and 8). We currently live in the same household. Right now, sleeping in the same bed, as opposed to earlier sleeping in different rooms. I beleive it was affecting my children. Now she dropped the bomb that she wants to move out in January. I am guessing she wants to get her finances together and stay around for the family through the holidays. She says she loves me and has some kind of feelings for me but needs to get away. I have told her once she leaves that I will completely give up on our marriage. I have fought for it for 6 months now. My sons pediatrician told me to never say never, he is a christian man as I am. He talked to me last week when I took my son in for an appt because he has been aware of our issues, including her postpartum depression bouts. I have been reading DB book and feel like i have already done most of the talking points thus far with negative results. I just want to be a nice guy, and know I did the right thing until the end. The end will be her leaving our house and/or filing separation papers. I know she is having a tough time because I can't imagine telling her I wanted to move out. But its hard for me as well because it will affect my life forever too. How should I act? She did call our marriage counsellor for another session but had to cancel due to another dr appt. She is trying to reschdule as far as I know.
Hi MLH! It's tough, I know. Been there...for much longer than I want to admit or remember.
First, this "secret companionship." What is this? If she is keeping it secret, then it is either an EA or PA, or an EA that turned into a PA. No real in betweens on secrecy.
Like you, I did the things on here and a lot they said not to do. My ex is a different bird. Nothing worked with her. It took over a year before I filed...and I didn't want to and part of me wishes I hadn't, just because.
The fact that you are having a tough time doesn't mean she is. Mine wanted out, too. Didn't faze her a bit that I was hurting. However, at the time mine was in a PA and I mattered nothing to her. Not a d**n thing.
Mine also suggest a counselor, but instead of working on us and our marriage, it was to cover her bases and say she tried. How do I know this? Because at the time (unbeknownst to me) she was well in the middle of the affair and she told the MC (later my IC) that she definitely was not having an affair. Straight up lied. So, I wouldn't look too much into that...now if she were to go and turn around on you, that's different. But if she goes and it doesn't help, or she balks, or starts cancelling for various reasons (drs appointments are familiar to me), then those are flags.
I'm sorry you are in this, my friend. The best you can do is be the best Dad you can and get yourself straight. You do that, and you'll be fine. Your son needs you to be his rock.
I second what Jeep said. Sorry you are in this boat but you are not alone. My W says she is filing in January so she can pursue her POM. Get the support you need for yourself. Do you have people in your life in which you can confide? This is way too painful to do alone.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, I do have people in my life who are very supportive of me. I couldn't ask for anything better. My wife has gone back and forth as far as divorce and separation and I feel like just the notion of it means negative things.
That secret companionship was in the form of texting, then visits. I have no clue if it was PA of EA, but I considered it EA because she would not not communications with the OM. Thats equally as bad IMO. Now she is living in our house and there are not as many times where she is in unknown places, but for all I know she is still texting him, but again, i don't know for sure. In the end, this OM will not amount to anything as he is very young and probably not prepared for a single mom of 2 with some mental illness involved.
We will see what happens at counsel. Would you suggest buy a small christmas gift or simply give the cold shoulder. I want to be as christian as possible and end or repair my marriage with grace and dignity.
Sandi said that when she was in her EA, she imagined that she'd have the OM and her husband would remain in her life as a friend. She said that when her husband told her that he wasn't going to be her friend if they divorced, she began to understand the implications divorce.
So what happened with sandi?
I am still here.
With the help from this board, my M was saved. It was a bit different in some respects, b/c when I came to the board I was a WW in an EA, via the Internet. The majority of the board's members (to my knowledge) are left-behind spouses. So, instead of my LBH getting the information, I was the one getting it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sp, to shorten this up. My W had started becoming friends with guys all of a sudden. We fought about it, we went through a tough patch of her not being around. She is fighting anxiety and PPD. She is on alot of antidepressants and has used antidepressants most of our married life. She says she hasnt been happy for a long time and thought it was her and now she just thinks it is our marriage. We have been married 9 years, have 2 kids, and been together for 16. When we dated, I cheated on her and never told her. She found out when we were married and I lied to protect our marriage. I finally admited and she says that changed her. that was maybe 4-5 years ago when i admited it. We have been in couples counselling, and she says she has tried to make it work. I have done everything possible. She told me she wants to move out, and file separation papers. I have read the entire book and done everything. The only thing I feel pretty firm on is when she moves out I don't know if I want to try our marriage again. I don't feel its fair for her to be done with our marriage in her mind and then come back when its convenient, i have been an emotional rollercoaster.
She says she looks at me like her best friend, but not as a husband. How does someone go from having children together to best friends. I told her I could not be her best friend if she was leaving me. Is that wrong?
