Thank you everyone for the kind and supportive comments.
I heard from S22 shortly before bed last night. A one line text saying "Friday works best for me". He must be getting lessons on how to keep messages short and to the point from darknes
I briefly let W know and got an "OK, thanks for letting me know. I was very concerned" from her to which I replied "Me too". There are no further plans for me to contact her about anything. Arrangements to see S22 will be between the two of them. I think that this episode with S22 that repeats past episodes at Father's Day, W's birthday, S22's birthday and Thanksgiving may bring to her notice the fact that what has happened between the two of us is affecting far more people than she may have thought. Tearing a family apart so that you can run off and "decide what will make me happy" has just made everyone miserable. A truth dart that I won't send. I honestly hate to think how much harder this would be if S22 knew about his mother's affair. Like most sons I believe he likes to think he's like his father (he's told me that). Honour, Duty and Loyalty are very important to him as well. I'd like to think though that like me, his Loyalty to his mother would transcend any of her actions.
A good friend of mine who after decades of an abusive relationship divorced her husband when he went into his own MLC has suggested that there is a strong likelihood that I will get some heart-felt, tearful contact from W over the holidays. I'm not sure how I will deal with that. Poorly - poorly is a strong possibility. Personally I doubt that W will reach out but being wrong is something I have a lot of practice with. If it does happen I'll do my best to be kind, supportive and open and try to think of it as nothing more than another temp check. Having labels for these things certainly helps even if I normally resist putting labels on things.
The plan is to try to have a good, peaceful time with S22 when he is around trying to keep things as "normal" as possible. No Disney Dad, no pressuring, accommodating him as much as is reasonable especially WRT getting together with his mother. I suspect he will want to go home again on Monday. I hope he spends some time with his old high-school friends when he's home. I'm giving one of them a ride tonight and will ask her to try to make some time for him. Even though I don't normally have it in the house I may also stock up on some snack / junk food.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Andrew, I'm glad your S has been back in touch.
I do think the holidays 'up' things on the feelings stakes. Some MLCers do seem to get in touch and acknowledge the holidays in some way. Normally it is a peek out, temp check or whatever we want to call it.
The main thing is just to expect it and not expect it. Should it happen, the main thing is to manage not to get into a spin about it. Your W is at a relatively early stage and there is a journey to complete yet..so, given all of that, there is really no need for you to worry...
Take care and enjoy the lead up to Xmas as much as you can, given all circumstances.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
My life right now is pretty darned good and I'm rather happy with it.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Tearing a family apart so that you can run off and "decide what will make me happy" has just made everyone miserable.
Just throwing this back out there for you to consider.
Glad to hear all is OK with your son. Glad to also hear about some effective communicating with W. Hope youre able to keep your spirits up through the holidays!
Blech - Last night was the longest night of the year. I'm working from home again today and it took an effort of will to get out of bed today. It is also now exactly 6 months from when I gave W the letter begging her to reconcile. She still hasn't answered my question on it but that did mark the shift from her being on top of the world to being depressed.
I had to snap the old elastic a few times in the last couple of days just wanting to talk to W about reconciling or to just go out again for coffee or to go to a tropical island.
On the way home I overheard S22 tell his friend that I was giving a ride to on the phone that he would be seeing W on Boxing Day. I wonder when I'll get told. I need to figure out what to do - I'm thinking I'll go for a hike around when he gets picked up.
A lot of hard thinking is being done about the future. I still don't think that I'll file for D in January but beyond that I can't say. If only she would let me know what she wants .... Today's cogitation goes around the fact that if she did indeed plan on never coming back that she would have told me. One of the snaps of the elastic was me wanting to ask her to return her keys to the house, the mailbox and my car and to start taking her name off the banking etc. It would be so nice if she just "dealt" with things.
I'm in the midst of reading a self help book on Codependency - title or author not mentioned but it's a pretty standard one. I'm not getting too much out of it because other than after BD I never got very wrapped up in what W was doing and I've never tried to control her or anyone else. I've enabled yes, but not tried to make them do something they didn't want to. An interesting read nonetheless and certainly a warning for me to watch out in any possible future partner as I don't think I could stand living with someone who kept trying to change me or control me. Even though I may be somewhat broken still I don't want to become someone's "project".
I just found out that the dinner tonight that I am going to also has a few extra relatives invited who do not know that W and I are separated. I had thought it was just my brothers and their wives. Buggerit - now I need to deal with that too. I suppose we can't hide forever.
Well chest out, b@lls down and forward. This is going to be a very tough 10 days or so until New Years.
Has she changed her mailing address? At some point, you may want to ask for the keys to your car. As for the home, unless she's coming there and getting things when you aren't home, I think I would leave that one alone for a while, i.e. I would take these actions in slow mode and if you aren't in any hurry, after the new year.
As for not being around when she picks up your son...I wouldn't go too far. In fact, I would have something baking in the oven so that the aroma is in the house, etc. You want her to miss those scents, etc. But, she may not even come in at this point.
As for the dinner, if someone inquires about your wife, I wouldn't go into detail about what's going on at the moment. If people ask, who know about the situation, just simply state it's a work in progress and leave it at that and then change the subject. Go and have fun, enjoy the time spent w/family and friends and definitely enjoy the dinner.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
just simply state it's a work in progress and leave it at that and then change the subject. Go and have fun, enjoy the time spent w/family and friends and definitely enjoy the dinner.
Thanks job - I like that phrasing.
TBH I have no idea if she has changed her mailing address. I know that she was getting her mail redirected. Even in the best of times she didn't tend to deal with things or plan things out. She hasn't come to the door since July 22nd though. I almost wish that she would come and get things <sad smile>. I did mention to her that she had left one set of keys to her car here too. Some days this feels less like a separation than an "attenuation". While I know that I have full control over whether to wait for her or not I probably wouldn't be if she were more clear about what she wants and didn't essentially keep one foot in our home and in my heart. Perhaps she knows that - no way of telling. My mind-reading turban was misplaced some time ago so for now I'm going to go back to what Jack and you wrote to me many months ago, confusion is a common side-effect of MLC.
I was planning on starting work on a chicken pot pie by boiling the bones from the chicken we are having for Christmas dinner - that will be a nice scent in the house for me and anyone who may happen by.
job - If I don't write before, please have my best wishes for a very Merry Christmas for you and your family with peace, joy and love following you through the New Year and beyond. More and more I am finding myself less drawn to this place and feel less need to journal, research and question. I often read other people's posts and think to myself that I really should say something thoughtful and positive to them but the words just don't come.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Have a blessed and safe holiday season. The new year is around the corner and w/it comes new beginnings in many areas of our lives. The holiday season is always full of wonder, peace and magical times. It is a time of giving of ourselves and visiting w/family and friends. However, let's not forget those who are in hospitals, assisted living facilities, nursing homes, shelters, our men and women who are away from home serving our country far and wide, as well as our furry pets at home and in shelters. Everyone needs our thoughts and prayers at this time of the year, but most importantly throughout the year.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all! The new year is rapidly approaching and we all have many new chapters to write in the coming year...let's make those chapters our own this coming year.
Andrew wishing you a beautiful Christmas ... that chicken pot pie sounds heavenly! Hoping you find the peace and joy of the season. {{{{{hugs}}}}} xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
