Finally got around to heading over to your threads, I have started from the beginning of the MLC forum ones, so bear with me while I catch up and forgive me if I ever say something that has already been covered. I felt that I should check out my fellow ambergris adventurer, because, well, its a kinda weird thing to be interested in, or even know about....right?? .... and no, still have not found any, but admit to not looking that hard !!
Firstly, thank you so much for your support over on my thread, your friendship means a great deal to me. Your kind words of your last post really helped me and I am feeling a lot more positive about things.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Do I miss W? Absolutely. Do I want to be loved and form that special bond with a woman that needs to be part of a committed relationship - Absolutely. Does the thought that W may come back to me sent my heart a-flutter? Absolutely. Will I be OK if she never comes back? Absolutely.
Snap (inset man though ha ha).Some how, for some reason, they hold a special place with us - maybe because we knew them before all this happened; we hold on to the memories of them as they were, the person we know is still in there somewhere. Its why we are here, standing for a person we still love no matter what they have done and do.
But after my latest mis-adventure with h, I can see how important it is to make an independent life as if they are not coming back and to deal with our own demons to make us healthy and whole people.
You sound in a good place right now and long may that continue for you, I feel that when we get to the point when we have more good days than bad days then the corner has been rounded. Down days and meltdowns (you know I have them ....often ..ha ha..) will happen and that makes you more sensitive to what everyone is saying to you, I feel that everyone here means well, they certainly don't mean to be insensitive, we all say/write things differently and we read replies from others in our own way, which could be taken out of the context it was written in - if this makes sense.
Keep being you my friend.
((hugs))
Last edited by job; 12/18/1607:03 AM. Reason: edited a word for LouR
My life right now is pretty darned good and I'm rather happy with it.
and yet, you said this less than a week ago
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Am I to wait until I am 70 before I can be happy again?
This line worried me before, and I replied to you, but maybe you didnt want to respond to it. In any case, my purpose of writing to you now was to reply to this:
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
GAL as I feel it is being told and used here scares the bejeezus out of me. To me it seems like an effort to go out and be busy for the sake of being busy and to surround yourself with people and noise as a distraction from the reality you are living. For my entire life I have always stood and squarely faced any challenge that has come my way, sometimes wearing brown trousers, but always standing firm. To me, the classic definition of GAL, which a lot of people take as getting out to the gym, making themselves "better", surrounding themselves with people and distractions looks and sounds exactly like what my MLCer W did. She did the exercising, surrounded herself with people who validated her, told her to have fun and to me this was a key thing - always had music playing ear-drum blasting loud. I am terrified of going down that path myself because it is shiny and leads into (I feel) the same madness.
I disagree with your assessment that going out and getting a life is to distract and numb ourselves from the pain we are going through. To me, thats more of a side effect than the goal. For me, it was about so much m,roe than distracting myself. It was about proving to myself that I had intrinsic value as a person. When my ex left, almost all of my friends from my married life migrated away as if my divorce was contagious. They were mostly my ex's friends originally, but regardless I was left mostly alone with my kids.
So I did two major things: 1) I joined a weekly event in one of my hobbies. No loud ear-blasting music. Almost nobody of the opposite sex. This is my nightmare scenario - going out to a group of strangers who already mostly know each other and trying to 'fit in'. But I cant even begin to describe how rewarding it's been. Ive made friends with several others and have broken off on multiple occasions to meet up to do things outside of the specified event time.This helped prove to me that I was someone people wanted to be around. It helped my self-esteem and my self-worth revert back to healthy levels.
2) I started planning new and fun things to do with my kids. While this may not apply to you, I started looking for exciting things to do with them over the weekends. While I was married, we tended to do the same 3 things every weekend with minimal excitement. Lots of trips to Costco or Target followed by lunch and the mall or something. But we started to go to museums and outdoor events and concerts and the like. I know this will pay dividends in the relationship with my children down the road.
My point really is that I dont see GAL for me having anything to do with MLC. I didnt do any of it looking for a new partner. It isnt rebellious. It isnt numbing the process. Its standing in the face of the challenges and prospering despite them.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I disagree with your assessment that going out and getting a life is to distract and numb ourselves from the pain we are going through. To me, that's more of a side effect than the goal. For me, it was about so much more than distracting myself. It was about proving to myself that I had intrinsic value as a person.
darknes - Thank you for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post. I was very fortunate in my journey I think because I have always had a (some people believe too) high belief in myself. Once I started opening up to people about W leaving even before I knew about the affair their first reaction was always "but you're such a great guy", "this has nothing to do with you" and yes, I believed them. Confirmation bias perhaps. Certainly I have down days - the "wait until I am 70" thing was in the context of how long it may take to wait for W to get through her crisis more than a doubt about myself or how good my life is.
Many of the people who come here indeed did not have much of a life outside of their spouse and having your spouse walk away with another partner is a huge blow to everyone's ego including mine. For them getting out from as the old Statler Brothers song says "counting flowers on the wall" is a necessary step in building their sense of self. It can also go too far though too I feel. I saw in my own sister how she wrapped herself up in activities and good works when her H was struck with a terminal illness. She now is more stressed and depressed than ever to the point where she is on medication and perhaps may need to take a medical leave. Loving yourself I feel is key and the biggest part of that is knowing and accepting who you are, warts and all.
So - I'm not disagreeing with you in general principals and am glad that you were able to find fulfilling things to re-build your sense of self. One size does not always fit all though. When I want to find myself, I look down at my boots (actually some rather nice wing-tips at the moment) and know that "I Am Here".
And yes - I do agree with the others that this was a very good and insightful post. I also want to apologize if you felt slighted that I didn't address your comments earlier. I've had some difficulties here in getting into the weeds too much when in fact I am looking for rainbows so I let far more comments just slide by than I did in the past.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Boy, I'm just blowing through the pages again. A few things are actually happening and I just wanted to send a shout out to Sotto on a book recommendation she made quite some time ago.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Also Viktor Frankl - Man's search for meaning - helped with perspective.
BTW Sotto - I was reading some of your older threads recently as a coincidence. My grandmother had the same pet name as you had - not something you would imagine for your own grandmother but looking back, it fits. She was quite the lady, full of spirit but steady as a rock. I have a picture of her that is one of my favourites where she and a friend took a break from field work to take one last twirl in some velvet skirts that were going to be re-purposed into curtains. Seeing her there, with a huge smile on her face in a fancy skirt with her work boots peeking out and a battered straw hat on her head always makes me smile. I got to the top of the waiting list for the audio book copy of Dr. Frankl's work and have been listening to it for the last few days. A very deep but also troubling work. Not for the faint of heart as it describes Dr. Frankl's experience in the concentration camps. Even though he perhaps glosses over some of it the shear brutality is troubling. I just hit the part where Frankl is talking about suffering. This quote In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning. is one of many that resonated for me. While I would hesitate to call myself a martyr much of the current fuel for Standing right now is Duty. I may be completely wrong - and often am - but I feel that W is currently in a very dark place. If she was still off gallivanting with OM (which she may be) then I would feel less obligation to her. Right now though my heart and conscience turns at the thought of abandoning her to her fate now.
This ties a bit to one thing that I struggled with tonight. Yet another card came in the mail, this one from one of W's dearest friends from many years ago, a woman that has faithfully sent us a card every year with a kind personal greeting in it. I didn't have the heart to send her the generic impersonal card that I sent to others and skipped her name this year. The card, addressed to Mr. & Mrs. P talks of togetherness and love and is very sweet. I had originally thought of putting the envelope back into the mailbox unopened with a sticky on it re-routing it to W which the post-mistress would do. W still also has her mailbox key but I don't know if she uses it often or not. Having opened the card, it would have just been cruel I think to have her face that right now. I'm glad that I have it and will put it up on the string with all the others.
I broke NC yesterday for a good reason. S22 has not responded to any of my messages asking when / if he would be home for Christmas. He hasn't been home since Mother's Day in fact. For other "events" I have gone down to him. W I think went down around his birthday. I asked W last night if she had heard from him or knew her plans. She let me know that she's been unable to reach him as well. I told W to not worry about putting herself out, that I would deal with it. On her own she then reached to one of S22's roommates for a status update. I complimented her for the very clever idea and thanked her. From the Life360 app that I use with the kids I know that he is at least depleting and recharging his phone but hasn't left his apartment for some days. He has also been online from time to time reading messages, but not responding. I was tempted to give access to the Life 360 app to W but didn't <snap goes the elastic>. I'm sure everything will work out, even if I have to load his gifts into the car and drive down on Christmas morning with my best Ho Ho Ho but it is worrisome and a bit annoying at the same time. In the messages to W I wrote and then removed a number of passive-aggressive comments because yes, I do in fact blame her for his reluctance to come home. I can imagine that she doesn't need additional Truth Darts from me about this - but who knows. None of her messages had any sort of blame towards me attached. It's nice to see that we can co-parent without conflict even if W went further than I expected / asked her to. I sent W a message that I will leave things in her hands for now but that I would plan on going over to see S22 / pick him up on Friday afternoon. If he refuses to come home, that's fine - I can take his gifts to him. The best gift of all for me is seeing him.
Well - time for me to make my lunch and get to bed.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Holidays are brutal ... in fact I have found the walls in my place have been closing in on me a bit. I am glad to read that you have resisted the impulses ... re-sending her the card/ retracting the passive/aggressive comments, this is a very good sign as you continue your journey in all this
I do hope your son will peek out and you can get a hold of him, I know this time of year is especially brutal for all of us and its very easy to get down/angry all at once but you do sound like you are doing well.
AP- Agreed. Those cards just sound brutal to receive. I can't imagine. I also haven't received any yet, I gather because H's side were the primary old-school senders of cards. It's almost over! Then, New Years resolutions!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
AndrewP, yes it's hard to get those cards. Especially the ones with the photos of the families with bright shining faces.
I'm sorry to hear your son isn't responding. If all else fails, going to see him sounds like it will be a nice treat for you.
Keep up the good work. Despite the difficulty with the holidays it sounds like you are making good decisions (i.e., not resending the card, no truth darts, etc.). I like to believe it does make a difference when we rise above it all.
and no, still have not found any, but admit to not looking that hard !!
