I would not beat yourself up over it SBJ. I did a lot of that stuff early in the sitch and with the Holidays its tougher to maintain in your own sandbox ... I admit I have found myself lately feeling a bit more soft but know not to poke the hamster at this point.
The danger with delivering her soup is expecting something in return ... so just mind yourself of keeping zero expectations and seeing this as pursuit which I think you do ... hang in there.
The danger with delivering her soup is expecting something in return ... so just mind yourself of keeping zero expectations and seeing this as pursuit which I think you do ... hang in there.
That is the hard part...we all have expectations, but I guess you are right in that I need to keep mine to zero. I know that this is a long prospect with a very low percentage of success, but I also have to have hope. That is the problem I am having...keeping hope yet keeping expectations very low.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
My husband brought me soup when I was sick last winter. Granted, I am the LBS not the WAS, but I also didn't read it as more than it was: a kind gesture from someone with whom I have a mutual history of care taking.
I don't think you back slid at all.
Calling her or texting her to see how she's doing as a follow up? IMHO that would be pursuing. xo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I haven't called or texted her in weeks unless it has to do with something urgent for the kids. I know I am a fixer and probably too much of a nice guy, but I have always taken care of my family when they needed help or didn't feel good. I guess soup is just soup.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
That is the hard part...we all have expectations, but I guess you are right in that I need to keep mine to zero. I know that this is a long prospect with a very low percentage of success, but I also have to have hope. That is the problem I am having...keeping hope yet keeping expectations very low.
Oh by no means am I implying this is easy... totally get that. But it does make it harder on us if we think "Ok, I will run this soup over in the cruddy weather and she will see what an amazing guy she is losing and as she eats my magical potion soup she will come to her sense and come back home"
That is simply you trying to manipulate the situation in a way right?
Like I said .. I did those things, for us guys its hard, most of us are compulsive fixers and its a very tough trait to squash because we feel like we are doing good and get frustrated when we are not rewarded for our acts of kindness. Read up on 'covert contracts' and see if this fits you.
I haven't called or texted her in weeks unless it has to do with something urgent for the kids. I know I am a fixer and probably too much of a nice guy, but I have always taken care of my family when they needed help or didn't feel good. I guess soup is just soup.
Like I said .. its really not a big dael not a huge backslide, but just look inward and honestly ask yourself what your motives were .... its not a bad thing being a good guy ... but it is if you are allowing yourself to be set up here (expectations) ya know?
CaliGuy...yes I am kind of the poster child for the Mr. Nice Guy thing...I know that those are the things that I need to 180 from, but it is difficult changing your entire makeup/belief system in such a short period of time. Not trying to read her feelings, but I believe that at first we were equally balanced and over time we morphed into the giver/taker relationship which was enhanced by the Mr. Nice Guy thing that I learned from my dad. Hence the fact that I feel that over 20+ years she has lost respect for me.
That being said, I need to work on me to earn my own self-respect back. She may notice, but it may be too late...I can only worry about the future now and not focus on the past.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
ADVICE NEEDED... I have invitations by both my FIL and MIL for their Christmas parties on Friday and Saturday nights. I am very close to both of them, but I have not had an invite from the W. I have told them both that I will have to play it by ear, but that things are different now. What do I do?
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
If you are close to them, I would go to the parties and not stay very long. There's no harm in attending and you can mingle w/the guests w/o having to interact w/your wife. If she can't handle your presence there, that's on her, but both your FIL and MIL are close to you and would love for you to attend.
BTW, your wife won't issue an invitation because she's not the hostess of either party, she's a guest, just as you would be. If you think you are strong enough to attend, I say go for a while and then make your excuses and leave early.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I should have mentioned that they are just small family parties. The FIL's party is just he and his wife, my W and kids, and the SIL's and fams.
The MIL's party is about the same size, but with a step-BIL and family.
I love them all, but I want her also to know that things are different and will be if she continues down the D path.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
