Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[J5K]

(((Sara)))

You did not fumble anything. We LBS' are too hard on ourselves. It is a shame that the walk away spouse rarely has remorse for their actions.

They continue to project on us because they know we are kind and good hearted people that are fighting for their M.

Stick with your plan and take care of yourself and the kids.

If I may, how did the conversation spiral into the affair if everyone was happy?

I hope you find some peace tonight.

((((Sara))))

[100383]

Hugs, Sara. I admire your strength and will. Given your many successes in life, you'll prevail. You'll come out of this stronger and better. And your children will have a great model for integrity and perseverance.

Related to what Jim asked, how did such a great day turn into talk of D? Did your mentioning removing your hijab have anything to do with it? And if I may, why would you want to stop wearing it?

I'm new here, so I have no answers. Just questions and I feel for you and have followed your story.

[ForGump]

You didn't fumble. We're all going through excruciatingly painful stuff, and nobody can be perfect. We're all human. Don't focus on the particulars -- look at the big picture. The big picture is you've done so much. If your WH gave it 1/10 of the heart you've put into this, you would not be here.

He even said I could have the kids and he would just...leave.

How the F could he say that. They are not furniture. They are his children.

[PsySara]

I am trying to remember how the conversation turned sour and I think it's when WH started telling me why he chose OW (I mentioned he chose someone who wasn't Muslim, didn't cover and drank alcohol). He started telling me how she was affectionate, appreciative and some other stuff. I told him I felt taken for granted, that I felt all the things I did for him were unnoticed and held to an unfair standard. (How can you compare the availability of a mother of three to a single 21 year old?) He then started saying he was a great husband to me (before the affair) and how I was basically never good. I can't remember the specifics but that was the overall theme. He said I made all these demands once I found out about the affair; I said no contact and cut all ties with OW, read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, and MCing) He said he would never show me remorse because he is not motivated.

HE said I needed to really think about why I would stay with someone who cheated and then refused to do what I needed to trust and heal. He said I should lookk for a lawyer when I get back. I kind of sat there stunned and then quietly said he was right. That two MCers had told me he was a lost cause and had dx'd him as narcissistic personality disorder. I told him that I felt he may be too toxic to keep around me and the kids. He blurted out that I could have the kids. I stared at him and then told him I hated him for what he had done, I hated that he could do what he did to me while pregnant and knowing that it would destroy the kids future. He had absolutely no expression. He did agree with me and said he felt nothing for me, that he was done.

The funny thing? I never yelled or cursed, I just quietly agreed.

WH eventually came home last night and slept in the spare room. He was slamming drawers and never said a word to me. I think I will file for divorce once the house is closed on. I will seek sole custody and won't even seek child support. I will start looking around for a good child therapist so I can get them help while they process this. What can I say? I poured my heart and soul into this and WH is the same person he was the day he cheated on me. He can only focus on his pain and his needs, no one else matters to him but himself. I can't let my children grow up with that.

[SH_]

Sara...please do not make the decisions of the details of a D in your current state of mind...
Not without sound legal counsel from a source not emotionally tied to your situation.
As with an IC, seek one that is aligned with your values and focused on solutions for you...it may take some research, but future Sara will thank you for this...
Please let the lawyer counsel you on child support...purchase of house ...etc.

You sound much like my friend who divorced over 14 years ago...he gave up everything ...and when his emotional state cleared he realized he was going to pay for a very long time.

The thoughts you share here of decisions have long term consequences and what you state goes against much of the legal, non emotional advice out there about D proceedings...
D is just a business transaction...do not be hasty to make decisions based on the short term and emotions...see big picture, set emotions to side and listen to legal counsel...second opinions of legal advisors are good as well.

I do hope you can hear what I am saying and not look to confirm your posted thoughts as ones you have determined to be best...D decisions are not well served when on emotional roller coaster...please heed advice here from those before you in the journey...no need to "fumble" this and realize it down the road.

Goal is not to get all that you can from him, simply to provide what is legally right for present Sara and kids, as well as for future Sara and kids.

Your sharing of your emotional state has swung from one extreme to the other...please ensure care of Sara so that the cooler head prevails.
Hint, cooler head is not the head devoid of emotions...
But in a balanced state of emotions.

(((((Sara)))))

[Vanilla]

Sara

Come sit by V in her lounge in front of the fire with a cup of hot chocolate and some snacks and let's chat.

Nothing, nothing your WH has said is in any way surprising or unusual, its out of the selfish jerk play book. It hurts to hear, until you do this WH will escalate until you hear him.

His choices, his decisions and nothing, nothing to do with you. Nothing you ave done, nothing on your qualities, lack of love or because you buy the wrong pasta. Nada zilch.

All a self serving entitled Wassock with scrambled eggs for brains who has little regard for his faithful W and his beautiful precious children. That is him.

You have you and your children to care for. Their future and yours will be determined by your next actions and choices. The next three months are crucial in your future, their college funds etc.

Please do not let emotions get in the way, sweetheart know your rights and the rights for your children. You need an L, go find one and know and understand what you need.

I get it, you are angry, upset and hurting.

Things said can never be unsaid and there is no going back from this at all in your eyes.

I am glad you are angry, be white angry.

Now sit with V and have some Christmas goodies, cool down and tell me your solid white angry action plan.

Let's take care of you and let you rest a while until the campaign is planned.

V

[Sotto]

Sara, I'm sorry all that was said. But I still think you are climbing onto his rollercoaster ride. You had some positive interactions last weekend and he said some nice things.

Then, you get into a R talk, which was never going to go well. And he said all the kinds of horrible things that (cornered) WAS say and things took a nose dive.

Rather than react with filing for D, why don't you take some steps to remove yourself from (his) drama - emotionally, physically or both.

You don't sound to be in a good place to be making a decision about D, but do take steps towards further distance and detachment. Truly, these convos are not doing any good at all.

Also, I do want to say - if he wants a D and wants out of the R - that's up to him. But he can put in all the effort towards that if so. I wonder if he says some of these things to goad you into doing the job he doesn't really want to do?

Truly - he will do what he will do, but you don't have to be on the bumpy ride with him.

Xx

[PsySara]

I don't know guys, I just want this pain to end. How long can you be in a marriage where the other person treats you like sh*t? He is acting like the victim here, as if I was the one who cheated and should just beg and plead for him to stay. Part of me just wants this to be over. I look at my children and feel overwhelming guilt that I chose this man to be their father. This unbelievably selfish and immature @sshole.

So I just piled on mistakes today. I broke a HUGE DBing rule and I don't even know why. I went to his job and texted him I was in the lobby and just wanted to stop by. Of course this had the opposite effect I desired, he texted back for me to go home and rest, he'd see me tonight. This is like the utter opposite of detaching, no? I wish I had never met him, I wish I had never carried his children. Now I am stuck with this remorseless cheater who feels zero remorse or accountability for his actions. For some reason my heart feels shattered, it's like I am back at square one. How do you teach your heart to stop feeling? How do I view this man, the father of my children (the person I thought, erroneously, was my soulmate) with no feeling? Why can't I just walk away and tell him to go to hell? Why do I spin? I used to be so centered, so whole, now I feel like a shadow of myself. I keep trying to find myself but I keep falling on my face.

Today I have felt that out-of-control rage followed by heartbreak...then the rage bubbles up again. I want a husband who I can trust and love, not this impostor.

[Vanilla]

Sweetheart of course he is the victim in his own eyes, or he is faking it, or he knows or its deliberate or he really cares or he is infested with an alien

WH has decided his M is over, you have decided its not

The reality is both are true

It is as it is and yes this is referred to as shattering that is really a term for this type of destruction and you can't change it

What matters is you and your children

The only true way through this abuse is by going NC immediately. I wish I could tell you how to walk away and go tell him to use implements where the Sun don't shine.

I don't know, all I can tell you is that which works for me and that is NC, completely totally and exclusively pitch black NC.

Sara please take care of you and your health. It is trauma as it has been going on so long and its a sort of addiction, Stockholm Syndrome. Trauma Bonding, there will be time to discover why you find your WH so addictive.

It's tough to accept that WH isn't an imposter that the WH you knew is the imposter. Today this WH is the real one, and you have seen the truth, heard the truth and are angry at it.

Please find some self care, put you first.

I will keep checking in Sara, please post as much as you need.

It's the way it is and all you feel and think is absolutely natural and normal for the process.

Big hugs

V

[PsySara]

How do you go NC when he lives in the same home? When he pays for the children's tuition? This very minute he is home and playing with the kids. He brought home dinner for me and the kids. WTF?!