Thanks to everyone for the condolences. I am grateful for feeling like I am understood.
I think my looking for signs and direction is because I am so lost and I am looking for an assurance that I am going to be okay. I think I am looking for a clear path to take. There is none, is there? I also think I am struggling with the fact that I have no control of outcome so it's reassuring to know that someone else does and they won't steer me wrong. While intellectually, I know that I will be okay no matter what happens, I don't feel it in my heart, yet.
Yesterday and this morning I have begun to think more about what I need and what I would need from H if we began to piece our relationship back together. When I think about my needs, they seem so great compared to his capabilities. He's clearly nowhere close to working on his issues.
Last week he took our son out to his work event. I later found out he had called OW and asked her if she wanted to meet son. Thankfully, she had the sense to decline. H manipulated and lied to me. Again. I have a hard time understanding how he justifies this to himself. Whatever the reasons he gives himself to quiet his dissonance must be laced with delusions and falsehoods. I don't want any part of this madness. If I step back and look at all this, it's insanity, pure and simple. This is not the man I thought I married.
Given how far he has fallen, it is difficult to imagine he will be able to stand again. I have a hard time seeing it.
I think I feel like I'm loosening my grip on the rope.
Thanks for the visit to my thread and your kind words. I fully know that lost feeling. You can be sure though that you will be okay in time. As I read once, you've survived 100% of the bad days.
You do in fact have control. You have full control over yourself and your own actions and decisions. While you have no control over your H and the path that he is stumbling along know that it is your choice and your choice alone to decide on whether you want to work to save your marriage or walk away.
I often write on what we are going through as a journey and many of my past threads have that as part of their theme. The first and most important thing and I and others have written about it is that you need to first find yourself. Know yourself, love yourself, respect yourself. Once you have done that then you can start looking outward and forward.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I have been reading Solo Partner and Love is Never Enough. These two books have been incredibly helpful to me.
Along with Love is Never Enough I have been doing some readings my therapist has given me on cognitive behavior. I am gaining a clearer understanding of my role in the demise of our relationship. The subtle changes that took place over the years, my reactions to those changes, along with my own baggage and issues from childhood certainly took a toll. It all had an impact on the way I communicated and the way I perceived what was happening. I wish I knew then what I know now. All I can do is continue to work on me.
I am still mourning the death of our dog. It's interesting, but H was gone all last week at a conference/training. Our son asked for the dog every day, but never asked for his "dada." They saw each other for the first time after almost a week's absence and our son didn't react. He's so used to him being absent. How sad.
Saturday evening we took a boat tour to see the Christmas lights in the harbor. Our son loved it. Even though it was cold, it was a lot of fun. H said "thank you" afterward and told me how much he enjoyed it and was glad I booked it. Huh?
Earlier in the day we went to an outdoor store so I could look at and try on kid carriers (backpacks to put your kid in while hiking). I found one I liked and the salesperson took it to the cashier. H took our son to walk around the store while I waited in line. When I got to the front of the line H appeared and insisted on paying for the carrier saying it was his Christmas gift to me. What?!? Guilt for being gone all week? Guilt for not being there when our dog passed? Guilt for just being a MLC jerk? Lol! Who knows. I'm trying not to read anything into this, but it's hard. And now I have to scramble to get him something.
He worked an overtime shift on Sunday. In the morning he called me from his desk line to ask me if I was going to the store. Normally, he would just text me or call me on his cell. Was this his way of letting me know he was really at work and not with OW? He even texted me on his way home to let me know he was coming home. Another, what?!?
Every year at Christmas my sister's family and I rent a house in the mountains. We even bring the dogs. It'll be sad this year as I won't have any dogs with me; it will be bittersweet, as I need another break from H.
It's hard to loosen my grip on the rope when he does stuff like this. I'm getting mixed messages and it's making me uncomfortable. I don't trust him or what he's doing. Is he buttering me up because he plans to drop divorce papers on me after the New Year and he thinks if he's nice, things will go more smoothly? Probably. I have to stay focused on me. Focus, focus, focus . . .
I know it's difficult, but try not to over analyze what he's saying and doing. Holidays tend to bring out some unusual behavior w/them.
Solo Partner is on our recommended reading material thread.
Even though your dog has crossed the rainbow bridge, you still have many fond memories of the time you spent w/your pet. However, if your sister brings her pup, you can play and love hers during your stay.
Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
FightOn - My own W became very open about where she was at one point - except when she wasn't. I have no idea why she suddenly decided to do that but she certainly was still seeing OM.
It's the "believe none of what they say and half what they do" thing. Even when what they say happens to be the truth.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
AndrewP - oh, please don't misunderstand, I KNOW he is still communicating with OW. I just think his behavior is . . . weird. I often find myself repeating "believe none of what they say and half of what they do" just to remind myself.
I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach. It was filled with dread knowing I would have to see him. Luckily, he left for work earlier than normal so we didn't have much interaction. I am leaving with son on Thursday to visit my sister and her family for Christmas. The day can't come soon enough.
I am really looking forward to taking some long beautiful hikes with my family and eating some delicious food. Maybe we'll get some snow, too.
Son and I had a wonderful holiday with my sister, her wife, and their son. It snowed so it was a white Christmas. My sister and SIL helped out a lot with my son so it was really nice in that regard as well. SIL and I went to see the new Star Wars movie, which was awesome. A few hikes, yummy food, and egg nog. I really am very fortunate to have them in my life.
H announced last night that he isn't going to therapy anymore. He doesn't think it's helping nor does he think the therapist is very experienced. I don't want to mindread or try to speculate about whether this is true or not. What I do know is this isn't good.
I also discovered he is having sex with a married co-worker. When we were "working on the marriage" I combed through his cell phone records and found her number coming up fairly regularly. He denied anything was going on between them . . . another lie. When I found out, yes it hurt, but it really didn't surprise me.
When I step back and I look at this whole situation and I look at how far down the rabbit hole he is, it is hard to imagine him ever coming out of this.
I just cannot see it. Especially since he isn't going to therapy anymore.
I am losing hope everyday. But I will say this, it makes it much easier to let go, that is for sure.
I have had several days to process the latest developments and I must say, it is so much easier to distance myself from H when I look at the big picture. He is lying to everyone in his life. Including OW.
With all the lying and manipulation they do, how do they live with themselves? I am sure there is a lot of justification, denial, and compartmentalization going on, how else could they do it?
I have decided to go very dim. I feel going dark would be too antagonistic because we still live under the same roof. Over the New Year's weekend, I took son to an indoor play gym (just him and I, no H) because it was pouring rain on Saturday. As I was putting shoes on son, H hung around a little too long, seemingly waiting for an invite. I ran some errands afterwards, including picking up a bourbon my sister introduced me to. I felt like such a bad parent for dragging my 18 month old through the Total Wine store (or maybe that makes me a parent who knows how to stay sane?). Lol!
On New Year's Day, son and I went on a hike with some friends. This group of friends are all dog owners. It made me miss my dog so much. Son went nuts when he saw all the dogs. He loves them so much.
I am waiting to see what happens with H before I decide to get another dog. Having a dog will reduce my housing options and so I am not ready to be tied down/limited like that just yet. I think I need a little more freedom. I hate that I have to put this aspect of my life "on hold." Perhaps there is another way for me to think about this?
On New Year's Eve we took son out to dinner. It felt weird for me. I did not like it. I did not like being there with H. I'm not sure I can do that anymore.
I am not sure if what he is doing fits the definition of cake-eating. Regardless, I feel like I am at the point where I have to start doing something different. Some of it is because I do want to give him a taste of what life will be like without me in it, but also because I don't like being around him all that much knowing what he is doing (lying, manipulation, cheating).
I would love some feedback, including 2x4s if necessary. Is it wrong to go dim for these reasons? Should I be looking at things from another perspective? Is there a consequence I should consider that I do not see right now?
I cannot believe this is the person he is now. It makes me wonder if he has been like this all along and I just missed it? I am also wondering if the cheating has been going on with other women and for longer than I know. If the M doesn't survive, it won't matter; but if it does, I might have to live with the fact that I will never really know. So I ask myself, could I live with that level of uncertainty about something so important.
So eleven days into the New Year and the house isn't up for sale. Yeah! Small victories. Lol!
I spoke with my DB coach and had a nice session. She brought up something that I had been thinking about and some family had mentioned. She mentioned the possibility that H is either a sex or porn addict.
The funny thing is, at this point, I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe because it would explain a lot. I have no concrete evidence that this might be the case, but the fact that three other people, none of whom know each other, brought it up, certainly causes me to raise an eyebrow.
This is probably one of those questions that will never get answered. Of course, I would love to know because it would answer some questions. Would it change my decision to stand? I am not sure. From what I know about these kinds of additions, they are very hard to kick and subject to many relapses. And knowing that, I don't know if I could do it. Since I don't know either way, there really is no use taking up any more real estate in my brain thinking about it.
Overall, the session went well. It helps to be reminded that this is his crisis, these are his issues, and it isn't me.
In the meantime, I'm keeping keepin' on. Hiking, spending time with family and friends, reading, and working on me.
I read something from HB that really inspired me, it was something along the lines of "wait without waiting, stand without standing still."
