Ok guys I need some advice. The W came by to discuss bills and Christmas arrangements this morning. Very cordial visit. I helped her carry some things out to her car and she says..."Thank you for being so nice and making things so easy and friendly around the kids." I was kind of floored. I have always been nice and friendly. I have never been one to raise my voice. I just answered with...you know how I feel about what's going on and I'm not one to be mean and cruel. I also told her that I cannot just turn off my feelings. She said that she cannot either. I answered with...you've done a good job so far with turning them off. Her only response was that she was just trying to thank me. I got pulled into another talk and said too much.
How do I tell her that we won't be friends...I will be cordial, but I can never be just friends with her. She wants to put me in that FZ and I am not that guy. I refuse to be that guy. Need help please.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Ok guys I need some advice. The W came by to discuss bills and Christmas arrangements this morning. Very cordial visit. I helped her carry some things out to her car and she says..."Thank you for being so nice and making things so easy and friendly around the kids." I was kind of floored. I have always been nice and friendly. I have never been one to raise my voice. I just answered with...you know how I feel about what's going on and I'm not one to be mean and cruel. I also told her that I cannot just turn off my feelings. She said that she cannot either. I answered with...you've done a good job so far with turning them off. Her only response was that she was just trying to thank me. I got pulled into another talk and said too much.
How do I tell her that we won't be friends...I will be cordial, but I can never be just friends with her. She wants to put me in that FZ and I am not that guy. I refuse to be that guy. Need help please.
I don't think you tell her, I think you show her. It might take her awhile to get it, but she will eventually.
I think ideally you would have responded to her initial comment by saying, "Thanks. I think keeping things cordial is important for the kids." And then shut up.
None of us get every conversation "correct" but I think coming up with the ideal response afterwards helps us get the next conversation closer to ideal.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I'm glad things were friendly this morning. Did you wife say that she wanted to be friends? If she didn't, I don't think I would raise that subject w/her just yet. You can be cordial, but friends...to them friends means something else, i.e., when I want something from you, I'll ask for it. Friendship means something totally different to us LBS. Friends wouldn't do what the MLCers have done to us.
There will come a time when you can tell her how you feel about being the just a friend...but until she raises the issue...let it go for now. Continue as you have been and always remember...actions do speak louder than words. The time will come, but I do think this is something that could wait until after Christmas.
SBJ ... its tough man ... especially with the Holidays.
I have here on sale a case of Cherry flavored STFU smoothies ... buy some. You were gold till as you admitted you got pulled in and said to much.
There are 2 schools on "Friends" some will say the FZ is better than the A-hole Husband zone ..... others like myself feel its important to make it clear to them we will co-parent to the best of our abilities but in no way are we interested in the demotion from husband to friend. I am guessing you fall into this camp as I did.
I know much of my advice come with a story .. this is no different. I was in the military and went through SERE training. For those who do not know what this is .... its Survival, Evasion, Resistance, Escape. I never had to use it ... till .. yup .. MLC. Was not shot down and landed behind enemy lines it was with my MLCr. So in a sense when you feel this coming on (over time you will notice it before it happens .. in some cases you know before you even see her that its coming) you have to adapt to this mind set of only giving them Name, Rank and serial number ... but in this case I memorized the following concerning D and what the MLCr has fantasized it will look like, because this is in fact what you are battling ... in her head you will be the best of buddies and she can chase that euphoric pipe dream.
"I do not agree with your decision, but I respect it and will not stop you from what you are doing, that is your choice. However I am not interested in any friendship (cake-eating), I will co-parent with you to raise our wonderful children to the best of my ability."
End of conversation and you bounce off to do that thing you have going on. Deliver it in a kind matter of fact way and off you go. Brace for the backlash as it will come ... but I believe they must realize reality will be much much different than what they dreamed up (understand this has been planned for a bit ... and they have it all laid out in that fogged up noggin of theirs)
Thank you Rose, Job, and Cali...I'm not so harsh like they are in the Godfather where they say someone is dead to them or the family, but I will not share her with anyone.
CaliGuy I like how you said that. It is very matter of fact. They have to realize that we want them in our lives, but only if the MR can continue. I am no Plan B and I'm not her gay BFF. (Not trying to sound homophobic, but she has said how she has always gotten along well with gay men. She'd say because they had no ulterior motives.)
I also agree that she has this notion that we will remain close friends...based on some friends of our who have done it. Their case was a WW who left the husband and then tried to work it out. The husband didn't want to reconcile and now they are friends and co parent well. I do not want or desire another friend.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
SBJ - I don't have good advice but can sympathize at least and yes - have my own story.
My W has held her affair as a closely guarded secret. I made it no secret to her that I was also holding that secret out of love of her and a wish to not see her be hurt. "Protecting her" was a phrase I used.
On pre-move-out night when she told me she was leaving we did talk a bit. She was shocked both when I told her that if she was never coming back that I would feel no need to even be cordial to her. The next blow was when I told her that if she were no longer part of my family that I felt that I would have no duty to continue to protect her secrets.
They live in fairy-tale princess land where everything works out for them just as they wish. Truth darts - carefully applied are quite the shock to them.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hard time today...found out early today that the W wasn't feeling well.
"Come home so I can take care of you..." I kept having that in my head all day. Never wrote it, but thought it too much. I want her back, but...
It was a very relaxing weekend with all of the kids. Two more weeks and 2016 will be just a bad memory.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Ok guys I need some advice. The W came by to discuss bills and Christmas arrangements this morning. Very cordial visit. I helped her carry some things out to her car and she says..."Thank you for being so nice and making things so easy and friendly around the kids." I was kind of floored. I have always been nice and friendly. I have never been one to raise my voice.
I have often thought that I too would want to divorce the person my husband claims me to be. Over the many months since BD I've often wondered if he even knows me at all. What I've come to understand is that they create this image of who they need us to be to justify their leaving. Often that image has little or nothing to do with reality, hence the believe nothing of what they say part.
Good job not acting out on trying to take care of her. I know how hard that is, believe me.
Hang in there. Glad you had a nice weekend with your children. Sending {{{hugs}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
That's my problem with all of this. She claims to everyone that I am her best friend, but that she needs more passion. I wouldn't treat one of my lesser friends like this, and I wouldn't treat my best one like this.
This EA really messed with her mind...she forgot that we had those giddy feelings before...they were just 25 years ago.
I am really missing her...the pre BD her. Having her next to me wherever we went. Bumping into her in the bathroom while getting ready in the mornings. Sipping coffee by the fireplace. Or simply joking with one another...we were always picking on each other in a fun way. It's the little things that are missing for me. I miss my friend and companion the most.
I just hope and pray somewhere inside her lost soul that she does too.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
BACKSLID A BIT...the weather is cold outside right now and I fixed some homemade chicken and rice soup last night. The kids all know that the W is sick and suggested that I run some to her, so I did. She was very appreciative. All I did was drop it and run. She thanked me for it and then I hit the door. No R talk at all.
I probably should have told them that she is a big girl and can take care of herself, but I didn't. I think that I am too caring and too much of a pushover.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
