Decided to start YET another thread. Previous threads will be linked at the bottom of this page. Those you who have been kind enough to keep up with my ever changing sitch pretty much know what's going on with me, but here's a recap.
I have a WAW. She has "put up" with all the things about me that she never liked and hoped would change for the past 9 years and is now "finally over it." She lost her respect for the marriage a year ago and started an EA which eventually evolved into a PA. Once I discovered this, she claimed that she wanted to fix the marriage and go to counseling and that she would end all contact with OM.
Things were better for a few months but then went downhill again. At the end of October and she met OM2 at party and kissed him (her admission, once I found out about OM2) and then proceeded to have an EA with him over the phone for about a month. She also kept in contact with OM1 after we agreed that she would cut off all contact with him.
Meanwhile, she asked for a trial separation. But when I told her that I wouldn't leave my house she decided that sleeping on the couch would be good enough for her. We started MC but it didn't go anywhere since we're both in different places. I want to work on the marriage and she doesn't.
Yesterday was our last MC session and her anger and resentment were on full display. I know that she probably feels "ganged up on" in these sessions, especially now that 2 different A's have come to light. But she started brining things up about me that were never discussed before. Like maybe I was the one having an A because I was spending so much time spying on her. And how, during our marriage I preferred to sit on my computer and watch porn rather than be in bed with her.
Neither of these are true of course, but I know she feels cornered and defensive and needs to find a way to lash out. So I get it.
Anyway, as it stands now we are in a perfect state of limbo. I do not want to get a divorce and my W wants to wait until we have "established enough separate time with our kids so that separation/divorce is not such an abrupt change." I would call that cake eating, but since it's in the "best interest of the kids" I would never call her out on it. She thinks it would be best to leave things as they are until the end of the school year.
I can't stand living in my house knowing that she's 3 feet away from me but I can't hold her or touch her or even be close to her in conversation. Sometimes I find myself smelling her clothes, not in a pervy way, but just to get a sense of closeness/familiarity. But I won't move out and she won't move out either. So I don't know that there's anything else I can do other than to keep trying LRT and hoping for the best. The holidays are in full swing and I am depressed as hell. But I keep it to myself though.
I do believe my marriage can be saved. But it seems like a long shot at this point. I know I need to keep letting go and keep detaching. I know that my W needs to experience a significant loss in order to shake her from her fog. I just don't know if/how to make this happen giving our current living situation. I have been reading Sandi2, Cadet and BluWave extensively and I'm trying to follow their advice as best I can.
Also, does anyone think telephone coaching would be worth it at this point? I really don't have the extra $, but I'm willing to spend it if you folks think I can get something out of it.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Our situations and feelings are similar. I have read about your feeings on separating/filing and that is what I'm wrestling with. It is a huge move but it may be the only thing that will shake them. If it doesn't, we have to follow through. From a boundary perspective, everyone's boundary should be no cheating and this is the way to enforce it. Hang in there.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Sometimes I wonder if we LBS are the delusional ones. We keep insisting that our W's are in a fog and that if they would just snap out of it the piecing process might be able to take hold.
But what if we're wrong? What if the real fog was the time when my wife appeared loving and committed to our M? What if the things she says now are really the truth and everything she said for the past 9 years (in my case) was just her going through the motions.
I mean obviously it's pretty effed up to build a life with someone over 9 years and raise two children when you didn't really want to. And I know the answer is the same - detach and work on yourself. As time passes see your spouse for who they really are and if the opportunity is there for reconciling, consider it then and forget about it for now.
I mean really, if it is the case that my W was pretending to be in love with me for the past 9 years, why would I ever want to stay married to her anyway, right?
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Interesting thought. Probably some truth to that in many people's situations. Please continue to share your thoughts and plans as you are comfortable. We're riding the same crazy train.
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
Hi Chris, I don't believe your M was 'fake' and I don't believe that is the case for almost all who post on the forum.
Though I have seen many WAS say - I never loved you - or similar. We call that 're-writing history.' I don't believe that is a conscious thing - and I think the WAS may truly mean that when they say it.
However, they are seeing the M through a negative lens at this point - and that is something that may change in time.
For the LBS, I think many of us go through a similar process. We question everything that was, or that we thought was...for me I try and take the good with the bad now. What happened at the end of our M didn't mean it was a lie. Our M was good in many ways - with faults and cracks too..but so are many.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sometimes I wonder if we LBS are the delusional ones. We keep insisting that our W's are in a fog and that if they would just snap out of it the piecing process might be able to take hold.
But what if we're wrong? What if the real fog was the time when my wife appeared loving and committed to our M? What if the things she says now are really the truth and everything she said for the past 9 years (in my case) was just her going through the motions.
I mean obviously it's pretty effed up to build a life with someone over 9 years and raise two children when you didn't really want to. And I know the answer is the same - detach and work on yourself. As time passes see your spouse for who they really are and if the opportunity is there for reconciling, consider it then and forget about it for now.
I mean really, if it is the case that my W was pretending to be in love with me for the past 9 years, why would I ever want to stay married to her anyway, right?
Wow, I've had similar thoughts about my W. She wants to return to her pre M identity and feels like the 20 years of M was a fake version of herself and she couldn't keep up the charade any longer.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Honey, you have a WW not a WAW. She is wayward an adultess rewriting history on you.
This is no FOG, its sadly wayward entitlement and gaslighting.
Deliberate witless and sad.
Scrambled eggs for brains. Indeed it is the LBS in denial about the awkwardness.
She had and has choices. Want out of your M? Visit a lawyer be honourable and leave. Work your sitch with dignity.
Affairs are ridiculous, hurtful and mean. They don't last, they are affair down and destructive in every way.
Please understand your WW is being entitled and eating cake whilst you blame yourself for the failings in your M. Yes of course there will be times of difference. There is a choice to work on it and if the other can't or won't to leave with the minimum of pain possible.
Sadly waywards with their entitlement choose extra hurt and destruction. You as the LBS can face the pain walk to it and know reality. The sooner you do the sooner you can take action on it.
I do not believe in FOG only smoke and mirrors.
The old M is over as your WW is wayward and across the Rubicon.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I suggest reading up on LiM and txhubby's situations and how filing was part of how they got out of limbo. tx has reconciled and LiM is piecing now. Motivating and applicable stuff for me...
- m and ww in 30s - s4 - m 11 yrs, t12 -ilybinilwy ~5/16 + request for OM - bd 7/16, confirm ea and strongly suspected pa - 9/16 ww claimed to have broken contact with om
A word about rewriting history from the annuals of V and the Giggalo:
Giggalo:I have never ever been happy
Really? Not once ever? But hey if you said you were that would contradict you having an A, with OW. So you have to say this to justify the nasty urges you have for other women's knickers to come off.
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Giggalo:I tried, I really did try
So you did your lying cheating and messing around just for me? How kind of you Giggalo. You did it reluctantly whilst holding on to your nice lifestyle then, under sufferance? How noble of you. Truly it is. TRY is a weasel word, a set up for failure but hey I am sure glad you tried. Nice to know and a salve for my pride, you tried, gotta love it. And you failed didn't you, so I guess that wasn't try hard enough. But heck nice to know.
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Giggalo: It happened by accident, I didn't plan it and oh yes it made me happy. You have never made me happy and I deserve happiness.
I am so glad you sacrificed your happiness for me for so long. That OW knickers falling off was a fluke and an accident of fate, that makes me feel so much better that it wasnt planned. Really I want you to be ecstatic and so in lurve with a scuzzy who knows you are M. Oh not adultery? Well you know its adultery to mess around until you are D even if it does make you happy.
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Giggalo:I covered it up to protect you V, I didn't want you to be hurt
How noble of you, that makes me so confident in your choices and you put my sexual health at risk without advising me and now I have to go get tested? And that hurts, believe me, the lying and gaslighting hurt more than the infidelity. Truly they do. And STD can kill, so thank you for that protection, I hope you wore it on your penetrating parts. You didn't? Oh well its kind of you to have the thought to protect me.
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Giggalo:I don't really know why, just you are so ugly, fat and awful
You had the OW because you deserved it, truly you did, it was your right, I don't blame you, I am ugly and fat and have been that way since we met. I understand you were attempting to be nice on our wedding day and after when you said forever, sickness, health etc. But of course you had your fingers crossed behind your back so it doesn't count, how foolish of me.
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Giggalo: you are remembering our history wrong, it us not as you remember it, it was awful
Well thank you for telling me my memory is wrong and things were so bad, that makes things ok. So now not only have you cheated on me without truly knowing why, including rubbing my nose in it, texting, messenger where I can see it and pretending its not happening but you are telling me I am delusional, I have lived in a parralel universe too. I am so grateful to know this, let me worship at your feet.
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All nonsense and the wayward knows it. Your reality is true, claim it as your own.
You are not responsible for the cheater cheating, That is their entitled decision, cease to assist them in creating your reality. You know the truth and have the right to it and the obligation to go what a load of nonsense, whilst you have no control over the wayward at all, please don't let them have control over your reality, including rewriting your history.
It's your history and your story to own.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks for posting that V....my W did say "I really tried". Ummm no you didn't, you never stopped talking to SOW. And "I didn't mean for this to happen...it's not like I woke up one day and wanted to $:&:?:$ up my whole life". Ugh......it's so crazy and frustrating what they think and do. Sorry for the high jack chris :-)
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
