3 Years post BD ... I did'nt die. :D

[bttrfly]

^^^ haven't dated but been told by friends that at this age it's not a simple boy meets girl, hangs out, falls in love, everything is sunshine and roses... by the time people are this age there's baggage and some ... well, they don't travel light ... xoxoxo

[SBJ]

^^^ haven't dated but been told by friends that at this age it's not a simple boy meets girl, hangs out, falls in love, everything is sunshine and roses... by the time people are this age there's baggage and some ... well, they don't travel light ... xoxoxo

bttrfly...aren't we bringing alot of baggage into any future R as well. I am very new to this whole thing and nowhere near ready to drop the rope and date, but I hope that I am able to become such a better version of myself that I am able to keep my baggage out of any future R...even if that is a future new R with my W.

[HaWho]

Cali - about the excessive spending on XMAS gifts for your son? It could be guilt but I suspect she's still the opposite of who she was.

I see this day-in and day-out. My h used to be financially generous. In MLC, he's been soooo cheap it's awful! How cheap? The other day, I emptied s's pockets and he had a few bucks left over from the lunch money I'd given him. I left it on the washer when I did the laundry. The next day the money was gone and I knew just who took it. My h!!! He also scoops up any spare change left anywhere. Polar opposite of who he was.

As for the dating/unresolved baggage issue, well, young people can have that, too. All of us here have learned that the hard way . . .

[bttrfly]

sure but there's a difference between LBS baggage and mid-MLC baggage ... I think our load is lighter...

[CaliGuy]

HaWho ... well its about 3 years post BD, she never changed in this area ... I do not care because lets face it ... if anyone could use some spoiling its a kid from the MLCr and I would guess its either guilt/re-connection attempt with him ... or my fav option #3 which was someoneele's take ... its an attempt to swat favor with S9, he is not shy about who he would rather stay with, spend time with though I think he tries to hide it with her I am sure it comes out ... so what better way to sweeten him up than to have Santa deliver all the goods to moms house. Again ... he benefits and is a great kid so I really see no issue with it


Touching on 'baggage' .... I know this is a standing site and well ... I am still here, would not classify myself as "standing" so I do not share much of the 'other side'. Here is the deal .. yes I do not think you get on the other side of 40 without some baggage. The issue for me and my fellow LBHs (all MLC veterans) whom I am in a cyber support group with if you will ... we all have come up with the fact its like we have PTSD, you do not want to ever hurt like we did again so actually entering into a new R at first comes with the rush we hear about the MLCrs going through ... its new exciting and someone has an interest in you, then all the sudden signs, signals and flags start popping up.
I still consider myself going through the healing process so I am not going all in with anyone and am upfront about it ... its nothing more than a GAL I was not pursuing. I know what I (and you all) went though is not something alot of people would/could do and I am stronger for it ... but there are still things I have to work on. Get better everyday is the motto, and something I do feel I continue and will continue to do.

[bttrfly]

Hi Cali,
Had to post re: the PTSD .. I feel it, some days more than others. In fact I've joked that I have Post Traumatic Insert-stbxh's-name-here Syndrome .... which is really funny given that his name begins with a D...

I dunno, since my 40th bday I've worked really hard to slay the demons. This divorce and subsequent "baggage" is not something I want to carry with me ... life is too precious. I just don't know how to reconcile that with my utter disinterest in relationships.
xoxoxo

[CaliGuy]

Hi Cali,
Had to post re: the PTSD .. I feel it, some days more than others. In fact I've joked that I have Post Traumatic Insert-stbxh's-name-here Syndrome .... which is really funny given that his name begins with a D...

I dunno, since my 40th bday I've worked really hard to slay the demons. This divorce and subsequent "baggage" is not something I want to carry with me ... life is too precious. I just don't know how to reconcile that with my utter disinterest in relationships.
xoxoxo

Yeah I think like with all things its time... but with this one I accept its probably about as fast as MLC and I laugh/shiver typing that one out.

I think for the most part you have to get to a place where you love yourself ... then when triggers pop up you can calmly reassure yourself its going to be ok, you will be ok regardless and just continue to press forward. But yeah .. there are still days I put on the old Tshirt and shorts and do not leave the house.

[bttrfly]

i'm blowing off our company party tonight... don't want to drive 3 hours round trip in sleet ... so i'm in bed in my winnie the pooh and piglet jammies eating pastina soup at 6:45! I completely relate to what you're saying.

Here's another whammy: my IC recently said that there's a school of thought that says it takes 1/2 the length of the relationship to be healed of the break up ... for me that's 13 years!!!!!!

13!!

I'd be 63!

[mleigh4]

Baggage for sure over here! I know I have many things to work through, and still have quite a ways to go, as we continue to be stuck in limbo land and closure looks far away in my world. My free time without S is mainly being alone, I am not always able to rustle up the energy or mood to be social. But it feels right, I like my "me time".

During our last blow up, H told me I need help. Yes, because of him!!

Cali, you seem to be handling things so well. I sense you know what is best for you and how to do it. I continue to find it to be a pattern of our kids being more comfortable with the LBS, whether it be mom or dad. I think it's important that we keep that stability for them, and if that means recharging with a good movie, giant bowl of pasta in our jammies at 7:00 on a Saturday night, so be it!

[Gordie]

Previous Thread : http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...140#Post2663140

Ok ... 23 Threads later and here I am. Out of Nostalgia I did go back and read some tidbits of my first threads. Wow ... just 2 years ago seems like a lifetime and reading someone else's life TBH, I read some vet advice and it was not as clear then to me as it is now. A lot has changed for me .... the sitch is the same if not worse but I am in fact light years better.

Just a bit of history .. I will try to condense the last 3 years as best I can. My BD was actually around Sep13, I did not find this place till about Jul14. Took me a bit to realize it was not just a WAW but a full blown MLC that I suspect was triggered 2011-2012. I would bet dollars to donuts it was the incarceration of BIL3 for an act that actually made STBX deal with some childhood trauma (Most likely happened Nov when she was 14), this box was opened and shared a bit with me in late 2015/early 2016 but rather than deal with it I do believe she closed it up and ran back into replay. There have been a few touch and go's throughout ... the biggest one Mar15 that probably lasted will around Aug/Sep15. Same OM present throughout the crisis with multiple breakups. We have been separated since Nov13 with a brief 'back together' period from June15-Feb16 when I discovered a TM to OM. I moved out 10 days later and have been as dark as one can be sharing joint custody of our S9.

I continue to post here, not as frequent but in the hopes to continue to document this MLC thing as at this point its really like a science experiment. I have learned so much over the past 2 years, not only here and similar sights but also in just my own personal growth and development as I have addressed some bad behaviors I had developed over the years, and acknowledge one is never really done improving themselves if he is to truly live.

I was finally served D papers last weekend, I really was not that emotional over it. There was disappointment and dread leading up to the day I received the packet but once I opened it up and read it through its very much the same as the mediation paperwork I have filled out 4 times ... yes 4 times now. Only grief is I was served 1 day after my B-day but over the past few years that's just PAR for the course it seems. I figure D can not be as bad as the Limbo for the past 3 years have been, and I really would like to stop renting out a place and actually buy something sooner than later ... one can not do that with a MLC spouse who is all over the place.

My interactions with STBX have been seldom. She typically texts me concerning S with school and such, emails me concerning schedule which has been the hot-spot as of late. Last week she arranged to go out of town and wanted me to swap all sorts of days to which I couldn't/wouldn't So she had her lawyer call me and 'negotiate' the schedule. Turns out her out of town trip would have meant she only would have seen S 1 day for the entire week, I agreed to a change for that week in order to lock her down long term alternating weekends rather then split them up as W has been demanding the past month.

She did show up for S's baseball game, I caught her looking over at me a couple times and she looked back to her stressed out self. I still am amazed at how bad they really look but put on a show like they are the happiest they have been in their life.

Back in late May she did temp check ... texting me how she made a horrible mistake, wanted me to not be so 'Hard' talking about what her therapist had told her but 2 days later was back in the tunnel... I have learned over the past 3 years not to jump at these things any longer and just stay back and let her process it all on her own .... that fix it mentality has been suppressed through all this.

So as far as me, I am busy ... very busy with work, my sports, S's sports and just day to day stuff I do not even have time to date if I desired to do so. I think one day maybe things will settle down but TBH I am just trying to listen to what God wants me to do and walk that path the best I can. I go to church every Sunday and take S when I have him, listen to Christian radio constantly and have found it keeps me level and at peace. I have accepted STBW is still deep in crisis and just pray it does not effect S much and I do hope she finds happiness wherever/whenever that may be for her.

For whatever reason I do think she will come out of it, but I think the damage caused will be to much for her to face so she may just accept whatever her life might be ... time will tell on this, I will continue to life my life with an open door outlook regardless who may come in and out of it I will just take it day by day as I have been.

Calicut, I am new to all of this and am inspired by how you really hope for the best for your W. Thank you for sharing.