Cabin in the woods

[SBJ]

Good thing I'm alone - I'm breaking down all over again with despair. I just want to be loved - is that too much to ask of the world? If someone has something hopeful or positive to write that doesn't say GAL, join a gardening club or any other platitudes it would be very welcome today.

On the one hand I know that most of the people who end up here never do reconcile and that most of them have given up on that long before the amount of time that I've put in already, especially the men. And if you consider that the people that end up here are probably already more committed to saving their marriage than the larger majority that don't come here it makes me wonder if I am some sort of crazy myself. I do believe in my heart that I am W's ONE best option even if she doesn't see it. I also believe in my heart that if I am patient that she will indeed turn back to me and make our family whole again. Perhaps it is arrogance, perhaps it is a delusion. To many who are reading, I may still look relatively young nearing 53 years old. Am I to wait until I am 70 before I can be happy again?

AP...It is this time of year...emotional time for sure. We want to be with our spouses that "we" love dearly.

I am with you about the GAL stuff, but isn't that what takes our minds off of our life at hand? I totally respect that you are standing for your M and I am hoping that I have the strength and courage to do the same even though my W has filed and seems to want to push it thru fast.

I think I read earlier somewhere that CaliGuy said he was 95% done with his M, but that 5% is what is keeping him hanging on...we have to have faith.

As others have said before it is up to us to when we either drop to rope or totally decide to move on. At that point it is out of our hands as to what our W's decide to do...isn't it in their hands anyway?

Our W's know that we love them and want to reconcile our marriages, so it is up to them to make the next move. I guess it is just like whitetail hunting...once you set up you blind you just have to sit and wait. I guess patience is the key.

My prayers have changed over the last several months...I have moved from prayers of reconciliation to that of strength, wisdom, patience and courage.

[Surfer]

AP,

If someone has something hopeful or positive to write that doesn't say GAL, join a gardening club or any other platitudes it would be very welcome today.

Think of a really sh!t time in your life before. At the time it was the end of the world. It wasn't you dealt with it and had love in your heart after. That will happen again my friend. I know 100%. So get over yourself (I mean this in the kindest way and in the way a friend that understands would say this) and march on. You are bigger than this. You really are. Take a step back and look at what an amazing fella you are!

Surfer.

[Altair]

A.P.:

Snowman-making club? Just kidding.
Seems like all this news and talk of W has got you in bit of an emotional tailspin.
You know what I did the other day when I felt super-down? I got a massage. You should find a nice lady-masseuse to give you one. A little human touch could make you feel a lot better.
Hang in there. Shortest day of the year coming up quick, and then after that, it's all longer, brighter days!

[Sotto]

Hi Andrew, it is difficult to see and spend time with our spouses for sure. I can recall the last time I spoke with XH by phone 18 months or so ago. For years we spoke by phone every day if he was away. When we did speak, his voice was intensely familiar - and yet I also knew so little about him and the life he was living. I feel pretty steady now - though I imagine I would spin a little if I actually saw him (which I haven't done for over 2 years..)

The reaction you had to seeing your W is perfectly understandable and also you are still at a relatively early stage in this journey - which may not be what you want to hear - but things do take a while to unfold.

In terms of your comments about GAL - as you know I have joined many new things and met many new people. That may not be for everyone, but I don't think mentioning GAL or joining something are glib platitudes. Rebuilding your own life independently of your spouse is a really important aspect of this process. Finding new things to fill the void left by our spouses departure, really helps us move forward.

I think the fundamental thing to ask ourselves is this. If my spouse were never to return - and I were happy and healed in that regard - and I have also chosen not to date just yet - and I feel happy in my life just now....what does that life look like? How are you spending your time? With whom? What brings you genuine joy and gives your life meaning? How are your needs for social contact and connection met?

Once we have really thought about these things, we can start making plans now to create that life for ourselves...whatever our spouses may be doing..

Xx

[Ginger1]

Andrew,

This time of the year is very difficult and we all have our bad days. Where we are done with this crap. I am 9 years in, over my ex, and I still have my downs. I am in one now. But we do know those go away. We can wallow in them a bit, but then we pick our selves up and move forward.

I don't know if I ever told you this about me. I was 27 with a newborn when my ex decided to have an affair and leave me. And it was bomb drop and that night, he was literally leaving me. No time period, no nothing, he was out the door. This was after dealing with his infertility, IVF for me, surgery for him, a high risk pregnancy, a NICU stay for our baby, and he was having an A. Needless to say I was devastated. Completely and utterly devastated. I wanted to die for quite some time. I wasn't suicidal, but I wanted to die. I had hoped when I was driving home from my night shift at work in the morning a truck would just take me out. It was the most intense pain I ever felt. moreso than my own mother's suicide when I was 21.

I was an awful awful DB'er in the terms of what to do with my spouse. I was angry. In a 2 year time frame, I moved a few times, I was raising a baby mostly on my own, I was dealing with my ex's A- he moved in with her, got engaged, and then subsequently married to her. I was establishing my role as a mother with another woman I wanted to beat the crap out of in my daughter's life.

But all I knew is I had to be there for my daughter. I had to be the best mom I could be, because it was all up to me. And God, I love that kid. She saved my life.

But what you called "platitudes" GAL, actually saved my life. I stopped hiding from my friends, and I embraced them and they embraced me. I took up kickboxing. I can't begin to tell you how that saved me. The GAL which you think is so silly saved my life, and saved the mother of my daughter. The mental and physical health took me out of my depression.

it may not work for everyone, although I have seen it help in about 90% of the cases here.

personally, right now, I am depressed. But I joined this gym where we are a community and friends, and I know that 45 min I am there with them, there is no depression, and I take it with me.

So when someone suggests it, or even pushes it a little, it's not to change you or make you become someone you are not, because you are no good as you are. It's because it's been pretty much proven to help many people around here who were on the brink.

If it's not for you, then it's not for you, but please, understand, it saved a lot of us from a very very dark place. It's not silly or drivel.

I love Sotto's suggestion of living your life as if she isn't coming home and there it's just you without a girlfriend. What would that look like? It doesn't mean you threw in the towel to live like that. It just means you are living YOUR life, and that is however you think it looks to you. Then, if they comeback, or go again, your life is still your life as you see it and feel comfortable in.

We are all in the same boat here. Whether 30 years of marriage, 4 years of marriage,empty nest, kids at home, 9 years down the line, or 5 months down the line. We have all been there, we have all felt fed up. Angry, sad.

No one is an enemy. No one ever means badly on these boards. I have made some of my best friends from here. You may dislike me and what I have to say, but some of those you really have respect for are my IRL friends I consider like family. They pushed me, 2x4'd me, loved me, hugged me, loved me. And loved my daughter.

We are all in the same boat here and you do whatever you need to do to keep it afloat.

[Georgiabelle]

Andrew,

I don't post often but I do read and catch up. And sadly, the newbie stories sometimes make me want to cry. And I am sure I am not alone.

You have received stellar advice. Everyone is correct-this time of year is sooooo very difficult for many. We are bombarded with messages of "family" and "love" and some days you want to crawl under a rock. I think we all relate.

Everyone is correct. If someone is in MLC, they don't have epiphanies. It is a slow, arduous, and crazy process. However, the one constant is you. Regardless of what your x wife does, you still have to live your life. And you should enjoy it. Focus on the little stuff that makes you happy. Do you like to take walks? Write? run? Train for something? Read? Grab a drink with friends? Take a class? Life doesn't stop because your W is on the crazy train. Don't let her sell you a seat on that very painful ride. Me? I love animals. So whenever, I am out with my kids on a walk or by myself, I stop and talk to all of the dog owners. It makes me smile. I love watching animal videos with my kids on The Dodo. Love it.

And I tell you this because I am a person who never in one billion years thought I would be divorced. My parents were married for 51 years and my xh's parents have been married for 49. 3 years ago, when I was folding laundry, my xh announced he was not "happy" and was thinking of moving out. This is coming from a man who rarely left the house. The words "separation" and "divorce" had never been uttered. To say I was shocked, is an understatement and I arrogantly thought people who got divorced "didn't try hard enough." I realize now that it takes 2 to work and 1 to end it. Tough lesson and I realize I needed to learn it. I never thought 3 years ago that I would be telling someone else that I love them and I did this morning. I continue to heal and 6 months ago, I was fortunate to meet someone. And I said that would never happen. Never say never.

However, I still struggle. It's a process and like Ginger said, you do what you have to do. Hang in there. It will get easier!

[HaWho]

Andrew - If I may, in addition to all the things that have already been written about the virtues of GAL, there is one more I'd like to add.

Even if you have no interest whatsoever in learning the tango or seeing Tibet, GAL is really about getting out of your own headspace.

Very good things begin to happen when we minimize thinking about something over which we have zero control.

[FightOn]

AndrewP - Wanting to be loved is not too much to ask. It's something as human beings we all want; we want and need connection. Unfortunately, our wayward spouses don't want to do it with us.

I won't tell you to GAL. All previous posters have shared their thoughts on it.

What I will share with you is what my therapist has shared with me. (And I think it has been posted here.) The only way out is through. We just have to endure. The bad days, the moments of despair, they're going to happen. Embrace it. Give yourself permission to feel it. Just don't stay there for too long. Like fish and houseguests, it starts to stink after awhile.

[AndrewP]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and post and your kind words.

After dinner and cleaning out the driveway last night I went through a 6-pack, then a bottle of wine and some of the evening was a blur. I checked this morning and - yep - I had sent W a SnapChat picture of a Christmas card that had arrived from a couple that is made up of the guy who introduced us and the woman who was W's very best friend until we moved out of the city. They have no clue of what's going on and the cheerful loving greeting they wrote was tough for me to face and was another blow to me yesterday. I didn't send anything mean or nasty though at least and I didn't call which would have been truly bad. It also appears that I plowed right through an entire box of cookies too. But I did manage to get my lunch made, most of the dishes done and got about 5 hours of sleep. Lots of roads have been closed because of the snow but not the ones leading to work so I am here finishing up my lunch.

Today I just feel angry. Angry at W, angry at the world. I even yelled at the cats this morning which is something that pretty much never happens. I usually never raise my voice regardless of the provocation. Perhaps because of the too much reading that I've been doing I have a certain paranoia about dropping into a MLC myself. My IC told me that because I was worried about it that she didn't think that likely but I know that anger and depression which I have in spades at the moment are symptoms. It's almost automatic some days for me to check testicles, spectacles, marbles .... I went through these sort of cycles more often when W was still at home when regularly something would trigger a fresh round of grieving. It just caught me off-guard this time.

If only W would actually come out and say what it is that she wants. I believe her to not be capable of making that choice right now though. Through all of this she never even suggested a divorce nor marrying OM. In any of the very few talks we ever had she only talked about a separation usually with a specific time-span involved (6 months). When we talked over coffee I asked her if she knew what she wanted and she changed the subject quickly. She looked relieved when I said that if she wasn't sure that she was never coming back that I wasn't in any rush to split assets etc. As those who have been following along on the home game may remember this is all still pretty much a closely held secret by W even from family and friends, even the separation with the affair and OM being buried even deeper. While I'm not so concerned about holding these secrets any more around the community, I do still keep quiet about it generally. As I have told her before, the A is her story to tell, not mine and it's up to her to decide when or even if she is going to tell people about that. She's a naturally very private person and me spreading stories around about us not being together while it would have prevented the Christmas card pain for me still strikes me as a bad idea. I had been wondering if W had introduced OM to her parents or not - but - irrelevant. When she comes back we'll need to talk about what sort of damage control / relationship rebuilding will be required and with who.

I've re-read what CaliGuy wrote that threw me into a tailspin

I was warned not to trust much till 3 years post BD ... I just knew my story would be different .. it wasn't.

Re-reading that it doesn't say that she will stay out there and lost for 3 years - she could but that's not what he wrote I believe. Re-reading it, it seems to say that for 3 years post BD that they could still dive back into replay. CaliGuy - let me know if I'm wrong please. You have a good insight and experience and I don't want to misinterpret. This would be no surprise for me. I originally posted to the MLC board all those months ago looking for tools to help me be able to deal properly with her.

Yes - she absolutely is not baked up yet nor is she ready to come home, at least the woman I saw on November 30th wasn't. I haven't heard boo from her at all since then, no visits to the house to pick up stuff, social media being more quiet than usual. I wish I knew what was going on. While I'm at it I also wish that I didn't feel so bloated from eating too many cookies.

Reading everyone's kind comments helped a lot - thank you all. Writing this out has helped too. I'm still not sure how much longer I can do this for. I do know that if I were to file for D that I would have to do all the work and that W would avoid doing anything if not be actively obstructionist. It's funny in a sad kind of way but one of the other things that has upset me is that my prior plan of W and OM getting married appears to be trashed. It would have made things much simpler for me. I'm certainly not afraid of hard work but this is the hardest thing that I have ever done.

On our apple tree beside the driveway - one that I planted from a seedling of a wild apple tree from the old family farm, there is an apple still on it. It is now wizened, black over much of it and TBH looks a bit disgusting. Every week or so I post a picture of it to SnapChat usually with a caption "still hanging on". Someone else recently posted about "signs". That apple is one of mine. I wonder how long it will continue to hang on.

(Past) Time to get back to work. S22 had told me that he would let me know by the end of Monday what his Christmas plans were - no word from him and no response to my text this morning - no surprise. I'll nag him again tomorrow I suppose. Other than this setback I've been doing pretty darned good lately and feel no urges to see Tibet although learning to Tango would be fun - I understand it takes two to do that though - perhaps one of the cats?

[MoveFrwd]

Am I to wait until I am 70 before I can be happy again?

If someone has something hopeful or positive to write that doesn't say GAL, join a gardening club or any other platitudes it would be very welcome today.

This is the point of getting a life. You can do all sorts of awesome stuff, but it wont automatically bring your wife back. The point of GAL stuff is to address the issue in the first quote. By going out and doing things, you can prove to yourself that you dont need W to be happy. Of course you dont need to wait until you are 70 to be happy - why is it that you cant be happy by yourself?