Does anyone think that relying on the thoughts that their relationship will fail to enable myself to detach are unhealthy? Are there any pitfalls?
Pit falls, bear traps, all sorts of nasty things go down that path. I know, I've been there already and have the self-inflicted scars to prove it.
On the other hand, I've gotten some excellent advice to "do what works for you" - if that helps you detach, then go right to it. Just remember though - you could also be wrong.
He wrote to me that it didn't matter what the odds were of any one thing or another happening if you believe in yourself. Believe in yourself and you will get through this. I would also encourage you to read up on something called the Stockdale Paradox. It's helped me and a bunch of other people cope with the time and confusion and pain that we all have gone through.
You can do this. You can be the one.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Yes, I am spinning. Although, less than yesterday. I was getting too dizzy and just had to force myself off the rollercoaster. Lol!
Stockdale Paradox - wow! Mind blown! It really spoke to me. A huge shout out to AndrewP! The article I read directly answered my question about relying on something that might not come to fruition in order to get me through the trauma. It's okay to do temporarily. Just to get me through a short time period. Enough time to learn to be still and detach. Enough time to learn to recenter my focus onto me.
Last night I sat in my room with the lights off thinking about me. Thinking about my vision board and what I would like to put on it. (Eventually getting a house of my own, starting to date again, joining some single moms groups, and start exercising again) After doing that, I came to a couple of realizations. One was that H was indeed projecting onto me his feelings.
He has repeated over and over that I (me) am comfortable with the situation as it is. Initially I protested these claims, but now I just tell him I'm sorry he feels that way. (I am definitely not "comfortable" with the situation as it is. How in the world can he think I am "comfortable" with him still pursuing OW while us living together under the same roof? I mean seriously, has he even stopped to think about this?) I could not understand what in the world he was talking about and why he refused to accept it when I told him that was not the case. He can't accept it because THOSE are HIS feelings. HE IS comfortable with the situation. He gets to pursue OW and have the benefits of living in the house, double income, son still living with him, etc. He's a cake eater!!!!
Then this morning as I sat drinking my coffee he asked me whether I was going to my therapist appointment this evening. Several minutes later he said there was a Holiday work event this evening and he would like to take our son, but only stay for 30 minutes since it would be close to his bedtime. He told me he really likes to go to these events to thank the employees. (I wanted to ask if OW would be there, but stopped myself.) Mind you, son is 16 months old and he has NEVER taken him alone anywhere outside a walk in our neighborhood. NEVER. Yes, NEVER. Not even to the store.
Initially, I told him that I would just cancel my appointment and he could go to the event. (I really did not want him taking my son to an event if OW would be there.) He replied that he knew these appointments were important to me (playing the good guy) and he didn't want me to cancel so he would just not go. Then he stormed off in a huff. I asked him why can't we talk about it. No response. Interesting.
After thinking about it, I thought I might as well just go to my appointment and let him do what he wants. He says he would like to thank the employees (interpreted by me as meaning it's important to him). Realistically, it is unlikely OW will be there because the event is for a segment of the business that she has nothing to do with. When I told him, he said he won't stay long and might not even go if our son seemed too tired.
Part of me feels like I am being tested or maybe even bamboozled. He is testing to see if I trust him; he is testing to see if I am willing to be flexible about something that he says is important to him.
On the other hand, I feel like he is using son as a prop. If it's so important to him to go, then why not leave son at home so you can stay the whole evening rather than for just 30 minutes? If you want to recognize and thank the employees for their hard work and valuable contributions, then stay the entire evening. It seems to me he only wants to go if he can take our son. Why is that? He's willing to forego the event if son is too tired. That's what I don't get and that's what makes me highly suspicious of his motives. I just don't trust him. Can ya tell?
Fighton - love your focus on your vision board. Good stuff!
As for him taking your son to the party and all the ruminations there? That's a time sinkhole. (I've been there so I would know!) Rather than thinking about him and his motives (which you can't know [he may not even know them]), could you have used the time off for you? Did you want to go to IC?
Each time your mind turns to him, zap yourself and think: what about me? What do I need right now? What do I want?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hawho is spot on .. time sinkhole is a great way to put it.
Read a bit on the boards and especially with the new recruits understand its normal what you are doing but do listen to the advice of training yourself to start moving the focus from your H to yourself.
You know what happens when we focus on something ... it gets bigger ... you need to become bigger. You matter, I was listening to a podcast and I will have to paraphrase here but they said that it is your job at this point to become selfishly self preserving ... meaning you must make yourself, your physical and emotional well being a priority ... they compared it to that drill the stewardesses give us on flights ... in the event of lost cabin pressure, place the mask around yourself first then attend to others. This was a tough lesson for me to learn but I realized I was no good to my son nor my MLCr if I was wrecked.
All your words make sense to me. And I will work to put them into practice. I watched the Shawn Achor Tedtalk on Happiness and it made so much sense. What a brilliant piece.
Hello. Monday night I had to put our beloved dog down. He has been ill, and the medications just weren't enough to control his condition any longer. He had another episode (don't want to give too many details), and I knew it was just time to end his suffering. H is out of town this week so I had to wake the baby and take my sick dog to the ER vet in the middle of the night.
I am utterly heartbroken over the loss of our dog. The house is eerily quiet, despite having a rambunctious toddler tearing the place apart. There is a disturbing stillness that makes me uneasy. I miss him so much.
H is at a conference two hours away. I called him when I was on my way to the vet. I texted him after our dog passed. He drove home to see me. He didn't tell me he was coming. I was quite surprised. I'm not reading anything into it as I just assume it was done out of guilt since he has been detached from the dog for awhile. H treated our dog like he was a nuisance. He drove home out of guilt; his way of doing penance for his mistreatment. I'm sure of it.
For those of you who Believe, I have a question: I feel like God might be speaking to me through our dog's passing. But I am not sure. At one point I had asked H to move out. He refused and told me I should leave (so thoughtful of him, yes, I will take our child out of the only home he has only known so YOU won't be inconvenienced or financially burdened, I digress.) Our dog was one of the ties that bound me to the house. I felt I couldn't leave b/c H wouldn't take care of him very well.
So now it has me wondering if our dog's passing isn't God's way of saying it's time for me to leave.
But I am also wondering if I am not hearing the message clearly because I am afraid or because that isn't what God is saying.
I am afraid. No doubt. But I am just not sure if there is a message.
"The Signs" ... its a very hard road to travel on, atleast for me. I find myself constently praying for wisdom and clarity to see what it is He wants me to do and the direction He wants me to go .... like this one often you could take a sign in any way you would like it. On one hand you were shown that surprisingly your H was there ... on the other its the one bond you feel that ties you to the house. (But you do contradict stating its the only house your child has ever known right?)
The signs are hard .... seems all the signs presented to me preach patience though I have lost 95% faith in my M, there is still that 5% that reminds me "With God all things are possible"
So lets just look at the issue at hand .... to leave or not to leave. I would say read up here enough you will see the trend is the MLCr is the one to go ... not you. You stay put and if he wants out then he takes off ... you are the rock in this and the rock does not move ... just my 2 cents.
I agree w/Cali...if anyone is to move out, it should be your h. He's the one that's not happy and off in Peter Pan's world, and that means him traveling on the wind and visiting the island of lost children.
I'm sorry about your dog. It's tough when you lose a pet that you loved and were attached to, but I don't see this as sign from the heavens for you to move. I see your pup's passing as the humane thing that you had to do for his/her quality of life.
Again, if he wants to be a single man, then he should be the one to leave. Don't disrupt your life or your child's life by moving.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
FightOn - I am so sorry to hear that your dog has passed on. I like to think that he is waiting just across the Rainbow Bridge to join you again. Pets are family and losing them hurts. Their lives burn bright and fast.
Around BD2 my beloved elderly cat took a turn for the worse and I let him suffer for too long I think. I remember telling W that I had lost so much that I couldn't stand to lose anything more. I still clearly remember the day I held his paw as he crossed across the Bridge himself. He rests under the lilacs in the back yard now. My W never visited his grave that I know of although she kissed him goodbye before she left for work and did give me a hug. Shortly after that W moved out. I don't know but I felt that she didn't want me to face the loss of my cat alone.
This is all part of the journeys that we would travel through life normally. I remember a story about a man who was imperiled by a flood who said "I have faith that God will save me". A police man came, he turned him away saying "God will save me". A fire truck came, he turned them away. As the waters rose and he drowned and came before God he asked "why didn't you save me"? God answered, did you not see those who I sent? The moral being (in my mind) that God has given us hearts to love with, minds to think with and it is up to us to use these gifts.
Sending blessings and kind thoughts of sympathy to you.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
It makes sense for the person who wants out to leave the house and LBS stay
Im not sure about signs and I understand your curiosity ..I always try to look for messages also
I think some signs may be right especially if a door opens easily : like a new job we didn't apply for opens up or a person suddenly calls that we were thinking about or someone appears with information we need to know-
This is especially important to keep things stable for the kids- I think it has meant a lot to my kids that we never moved and the only thing that changed in their world was a their dad have a good night-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
