Mmmm jammy dodgers sound good. I didn't know there was a brand of them, normally I'd get that kind of thing in a bake shop-- I like fruit in my cookies! much more than chocolate. Observation: yup, you two are struggling in the 'keep expectations low' department. This is good to know, and realize and think about. I can easily see myself making those same mistakes... or perhaps I did after H moved out and we'd still see each other from time to time, I don't know. Main point: we have to Stockdale this. No expectations, no timelines, no rush, no worry. I realized I've been keeping track of NC days so I stopped!
me 42 H 32 T 7yr M 6yr BD 5/2016 ILYBNILWY Separated 7/2016
Hi Coly, I am fairly new and spent some time reading your sitch. Our timelines seems similar and I can relate to many of your emotions. I could not stop crying at BluWave's post near the beginning of this thread. It is still pretty fresh and raw for me much of the time.
No words of advice or insight from me - I am struggling along with you. Just wanted to say hi and let you know you are not alone. It is whole list of painful "firsts" this past 6 months without H. Good news is, they are almost done. Think how far we will have if we have to face them again. How much stronger. I keep telling myself it certainly cannot get any worse. Only up from here.
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
Altair - it is a double edged sword! I so love seeing my H but I want more and yes it is very difficult to keep my expectations low! By the way I used to hate Jammy Dodgers when I was young because if it didn't contain chocolate I wasn't interested and fruit based biscuits do not appeal to me I'm afraid!! Now in my old age I don't mind Jammy Dodgers so much. Hey it's a biscuit (or as you would say cookie) what's not to like!! I love the Stockdale Paradox Altair i am going to try to implement it by the new year! :0)
D_Rose, thank you so much for visiting my thread. Like you my emotions are still all over the place. I still seem to cry at the drop of a hat and I don't know about you but I dislike being in a crowd of people these days including my family, I just feel so left out and alone. I can't wait to get home. Christmas is definitely going to be a struggle but I'm trying to get it into my head that it is just another day and we make it what it is. I am looking forward to this year being over though!
Journaling - I've been getting organised for D's birthday and Christmas. It's been good for me actually as I've had to be super organised seeing as I'm on my own this year so I've not had a lot of time to wallow. Another good thing is that H has bought and paid for D's birthday and Christmas presents. He has also suggested that we continue to do joint presents for both our families which saves me a bit of money.
Myself and D went late night shopping tonight and bumped into H. I could tell He was waiting for his hug and kiss from me but to be honest I wasn't in the mood! He looked confused and kept asking me if I was alright! It was very strange though to think this time last year all three of us would have gone out together and now it's back to being just me and D. One thing I noticed is he looks at me the same way he used to before BD, I don't know if that means anything but he seems much friendlier and engages with me in much more conversation.
Since my last big post in which it was obvious I was pursuing H like a mad woman I have pulled back on initiating any contact. Somehow I can almost sense him waiting for me to contact him first but I held off and he eventually sent me a text yesterday about D's birthday presents. He is also coming over tomorrow night to have pizza with D as I am out at my Company's Christmas party. I have a very figure hugging dress to wear to the party which is a 180 for me as I hate showing off my figure! However now that I am a stone lighter since BD in May (I really didn't have a stone to lose though!) I have decided to flaunt it a little! I shall be home fairly early as I am not drinking and it gets pretty messy after 6.00pm since the shenanigans start at 12.30pm so I will hopefully have the opportunity to show H my new dress...
I'm going to have a very busy weekend to. I've got friends coming to stay Saturday and I'm doing lunch for them (roast beef) and another couple who live nearby and then on Sunday morning I'm doing bacon rolls and pastries for our friends and family in honour if D's birthday. Her birthday is actually on Tuesday but she is having a party with her friends in the evening and H is taking us out for lunch during the day. D's birthday is also Christmas present swap day for the family so Sunday will be exciting!
Just wanted to say thank you to you all for being so wonderfully supportive. I know I am a ruminater and spinner and I dwell on things too much. I am getting better I promise but I am just too stubborn to accept that this is my sitch and that is why I do stupid things like text H to tell him that the Christmas tree has fallen over! I'm just replacing my worne out elastic band for a stronger sparklier one to get me through the festive season... :0)
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Yes, Coly. Right there with you. I can relate to feeling so alone, even in a group of my closest friends. They love me and care about me, but cannot even imagine the pain I am in. Their lives go on like normal, as they should, while mine has stopped dead in its tracks. In crowds I find myself looking at young couples and thinking to myself if they know one of them may rip the other's heart out after 20 years of marriage. Or I look at older couples and feel overwhelming grief that my H and I will not share that. So if you ever need to have brief emotional breakdown, I have a shoulder for you.
Sounds like you have a full weekend planned. Good for you wearing a dress that makes you feel good and may catch someone's attention. Nice plans for your daughters birthday. My daughter also has a December birthday right after Christmas. It always takes a little extra effort to make it special and separate from Christmas. You sound like a great mom.
M:49 H:49 T:28 M:26 S24, D19, S15 BD/PA: June 2016 H living separately next to OW
Enjoy the Christmas party. Why not just play it by ear. Try to enjoy it and stay as long as you do. I understand being sober when everyone else is drunkily laughing at drunken jokes can be heavy to support.But maybe just maybe it could be fun.
I would put having fun ahead of letting H get a glimpse of how stunning you look in that dress. I'm sure your D will tell him how well you looked!!
Plus staying out later could make H think more. You could be having so much fun. You are dolled up. If the party isn't fun, go do something else afterwards on the way home.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Roist, I stayed out as long as I could and had lots of fun! I had lots of complements on how I looked and it really gave me a boost! I even got asked to dance by our MD but I turned him down as it would have been too weird and he was also very tipsy! In the end I was just too tired to stay out any later so got home at just before 7.00pm.
Rose, you hit the nail on the head about looking at other couples and wondering what they have that makes them stay together. I feel like I'm constantly doing this and wonder if I look like some weirdo staring at people in a wistful way!
H was in a good mood this evening. He even jumped up from his seat when I got cramp I'm my foot. I wasn't sure what he intended to do but I sorted it out before he could attempt anything! IDK, feeling sort of meh about it all this evening...
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Just wanted to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May you be blessed with a peaceful and joyful 2017.
Thank you all for your support in 2016, I might have gone mad by now without your help and advice!! You are all very special people and you deserve all the happiness you can get so I wish that for you in bucket loads!
Xx
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your family as well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
