Re: She moved out...now the work begins...Part 3

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

From what I have learned it comes down to respect. Allowing them to make the calls while avoids a fight/confrontation for that day ... over times it erodes the respect they once had for us. I know for certain I was guilty of this, I would agree to what she felt she wanted just to avoid an hour of debate.

Your W wants Christmas for the feelz ... its just selfishness at this point and again her getting her way IMHO. Whatever you do .. please decide for YOU.

[SBJ]

Cali...the more I read the more I agree with you on the respect thing. I guess I assumed that our lives were just cruising along and things were fine. The issue I have is that I always expect people to say if they need something or if they are unhappy about something. I'm not a mind reader. Perhaps in our 25 year journey she has lost that respect for me...I don't know, but I will keep getting better every day because I am making it a point to do better every day in every aspect of my life.

I will work out harder than the day before. I will be more aggressive at work more each day. I will love myself and my family more each day. I will take more chances by stepping outside of my comfort zone more each day. God willing...I will survive this and thrive.

[CaliGuy]

SBJ ... you will start reading a bit more and the further removed you can become the more honest with yourself you can be and look back at the M and have those "A-ha" moments more and more ... then you can learn/change/grow not FOR her, but because you truly see the error in your ways. And understand it was not about one specific thing.... erosion.... is the best way I can put it, over time little by little it goes away and neither side really notices it till all the sudden it just seems to be gone.

Touching on:

The issue I have is that I always expect people to say if they need something or if they are unhappy about something. I'm not a mind reader

In the MLCr you should have known, she should not have to tell you .... just as you assume she understands your needs though you may not have always been clear and vocal about them.

My M was guilty of this, I mean how could she not know I wanted Lasagna Wednesday night as I was making Garfield references all day?

You will no doubt survive this

[Altair]

My M was guilty of this, I mean how could she not know I wanted Lasagna Wednesday night as I was making Garfield references all day?

I don't know if you made this up CaliGuy but this is just an awesome analogy because of its arcane ridiculousness! perfect!

[SBJ]

So I had a great long weekend in the woods with abreast group of friends...most of whom know what's am going thru. I answered a few questions and listened to them explain different trials that they have gone thru in their marriages. It is funny that we all go thru similar things, but some people are able to cope with things and some just cut and run in a panic.

I wasn't home for 30 minutes when the W came over to unload my oldest sons college stuff at the house..I'm not going to lie...I wanted to grab ahold of her, shake her, hug her, and tell her that she needs to come home, but I heard many voices (obviously made up) saying that it was a terrible idea.

I have noticed:
She doesn't look me in the eye for longer than a couple of seconds.
She stays several feet away from me.
She is overly playful with my kids...more than usual.
That I am more physically drawn to her than I thought...I guess I'm not detached enough.

Just little observations.

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

Still all normal ways of dealing with what you are going through. I too was guilty of wanting to go all 'Shake-Baby' on my MLCr ..... you will begin to notice in your own sitch and others that mere actions are attempts at trying to get them to wake up, never works ... they have to go through this process and nothing we LBSs can do to speed this up unfortunately.

Eye contact is a big one ... even for me now. I have been as much NC since Feb as one can be with a child and just this weekend when I picked up my son she was looking at the floor like a teen who was in trouble. This is more than 3 years post BD ..... this is on them not us ... but it is strange given 25+ years with this person who always locked on right?

She will distance herself ... emotionally, physically .. all that ... its all part of them cutting ties with the old and chasing the new .. again they must go through with this and figure out things for themselves.

Playful with the kids ... yup, its almost like an act, like they are proving to themselves, the kids and the world they made the right choice and everyone is happier for it .... its all a mask.

You are more drawn to her now because its normal ... she pulled back and the natural reaction is for you to chase, but you are starting to listen to that inner voice of reason that knows you can not chase her into the tunnels .... continue to keep tabs on how you feel and document them in a safe space .. it will help you as you progress through this.

[SBJ]

CaliGuy...I guess as for the physical, I have always been the physical, hands-on kind of person. It has been very difficult because for the last 4 months there was a moratorium on physical touch with her and with her out of the house for the last month or so, I am certainly missing that even more.

I have the good and bad angels sitting on my shoulders every time I visit with her. I understand why I am feeling this way, but the pain is hard at times. I am certainly having the internal struggle of what to do/say and what not to.

[CaliGuy]

Not sure if you have ever read the 5 Love Languages .... I recall Jack mentioning that most LBS men of MLCrs would relate to Physical touch as being their primary language ... mostly due to the fact thta by the time we get here its been years of physical touch starvation ... can not say I disagree with him sa it was mine forever it seems .... currently I just kind of feel numb in that area.

You will wrestle with those 2 angels throughout this .... I know I surely did especially when I really started applying the DB stuff and she would react/test/temp check .... it gets harder to do what you rationally know you should vs the emotionally charged reactions .... I did not always walk the DB road consistently early on but it does start to become second nature and I found I use it in many relationships ... MLCr, son, work, friends ... it works for more than just ones marriage.

[SBJ]

I have read it and yes to the physical touch being mine...definitely was not hers. She was more acts of service and praise.

I guess I am still spinning since she is moving the D at break neck speed. Maybe she wants to be done so that she can move on with another man and be legal/moral about it...I don't know.

I have gone as NC as a parent can and only contact her unless it is regarding them or something with joint $$$. It is difficult losing ones best friend and not having that confidant, but I guess I am becoming more self-reliant.

[SBJ]

The W called and invited me to dinner tonight at her place with her and our kids. Kind of odd since she has never been one to cook, but I guess they all change 180 as well. I told her that I would let her know closer to dinner time. It is interesting.

I also received a call from the MIL asking me to come to her Christmas party on Christmas Eve. She said that she missed me being around with all of the family and then started sobbing. I know that she (the MIL) has enabled my W because she is her daughter, but it seems my MIL is having a harder time without me around than the W is. Who know...maybe she is and just won't show it.

Guitar practice and 3 miles on the treadmill should round out my day quite nicely.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of us going thru this crazy thing we call life.