Coffee and spinning

[AndrewP]

Coly23 - Can you pass the jam biscuits please? I adore those things. It was annoying to me when Marks and Sparks closed up in Canada.

job often writes using different words that this is a special time of the year. Missing spouses pop up out of their tunnels and may scamper around in the snow. It's the sustained interaction that happens after the tree is put away and calm of the new year is underway that matters.

Looking at this from a male perspective there are two different ways of looking at it and I'm not sure which one is the right one. Perhaps you might have a thought on it.

Many men - including myself - see ourselves as "rescuers". A damsel in distress triggers all sorts of protective instincts and we will rush in on our noble steed (mine is called Rocinante - you can look it up if you like). Once the rescuing is done and the damsel is appropriately grateful (something my W was never good at) we get a bit lost.

On the other hand he is showing a genuine interest in you, D15 and enjoys spending time with you. He is probably missing you and family time during this special time of the year and is making an effort it seems to be there for you. This is a good chance for you to make him feel special and loved and I think it can be done without pushing into his bubble too much. It is very true that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. We love to feel cared for and cared about - perhaps why so many men are attracted to waitresses - I don't know. The next time he comes over, don't make a fuss about it, but if there is some sort of fresh baking be it scones or biscuits that he is fond of, have some there. Don't make a scene about it or push them on him - just an "Oh - did you want to try some [insert favourite treat here] that I just made for D15 and I". More than any love notes, that will warm his heart and make him remember the contact fondly. Think again of the squirrel metaphor that I wear out with over-use. Squirrels are attracted to bird feeders and over time will get quite brazen but at first they are timid.

Finally when I read your posts most of the contact and interaction seems to revolve around you two with not a lot of focus on him. If you get the chance, listen to him. Take an interest in how he's doing and remember the details (one of the things I loved about my own W). We've not heard here on how he's doing on his own journey - have you been giving him a chance to express himself and talk about how he's doing? It can be done without pushing or pressing.

That's all for now - sending you ((((Coly23)))) and thanks for the tea.

[job]

Coly,

I agree w/Sotto 100%...you are pursuing and pushing too much.

I know that my 2X4's will sound harsh...but you need to back off a bit. The Christmas Tree falling over was not an emergency and it could have been taken care of by you and your daughter. If you wanted him to know about the tree, you could have let him know about it the next time you talked. You are looking for your h to rescue you and reassure you that he's still out there. You've got to learn to take care of things on your own and only if there is an emergency, then call him. You are coming across as being needy and he's eventually going to step back to catch his breath.

Whether he's a MLCer or a Walk Away, we would use the same techniques...give them space and time. Yes, you are impulsive and I think you may be a bit insecure in the fact that you think you need to be in your h's sightline and give him reminders that you are still there. How can he miss you when you are in contact w/him periodically? Coly, give him the space he needs...he's not going to miss you if you don't and you are actually serving up his cake on a silver platter and he's eating it too when you are inviting him to things. He needs to sense the loss of your company and doing things w/you and your daughter. Step back, allow him to initiate invitations and lead some. This is his dance and you need to learn to be patient, snap that rubber band on your wrist and find other things to keep your mind busy so that you aren't tempted to text him. Just because he's quiet for a while doesn't mean he's not thinking about you because he is. After all, the holidays are here and he's thinking about you and your daughter and the fun things you've done in the past. Give him the time to truly miss you.

Keep your expectations at zero at all times. Again, I can't state this enough...back off some, allow him to lead/come to you and do not call him unless it is an emergency. If he contacts you, be friendly, listen to what he has to say and if he invites you to do something, then it will be up to you to either accept or decline...but don't come across as being too readily available and waiting by the phone for him to contact you. Time to make some plans for you and your daughter. It's time for your h to sit back, think about things and actually work on himself. He can't help you if he can't even figure out what's going on w/himself.

[Altair]

Hi Coly,
Impulsive person here (raises hand)
I forgot about chocolates in the trees, my family never did that (nor lit candles in trees lol). I have no idea if this is true but it seems to me that in the States with the proliferation of dogs and cats in the house, chocolates in trees seems to be a bad idea. I know I had a dog at one point that definitely would have knocked down the tree to eat chocolate. Would get it whenever she could, there'd always be a day or so of panic, thinking the chocolate would kill her. Never did. My 2 cents: obviously you are emotional, and wanting to holidays to be happy and 'perfect', but your upset emotional state is most likely coming through loud and clear to H. Like others said, you are being needy. And pursuing! You've got to somehow break the pursuer/distancer cycle-- for now that would be to back way the F up. You should back up to let your emotions settle, not to get him to chase you (duh). I hope you can dig in yourself and find peace that is not connected to H. In that way, you'll be able to see more clearly.

[BluWave]

Coly, I am concerned for you, and much in the same ways I am concerned for other posters here. The reason that DB focuses on GAL, 180s, and detachment is because that is what works. It may not work to bring the M back but it is the only thing that works to heal the self and move forward in life.

I don't see you doing this. I see you focusing on H--where he is at and what his next move will be--and you are very dependent on him for security and a false sense of happiness. This is unhealthy and I would strongly urge you to do some reading on breaking codependency and codependency no more.

Let's step out of the details (who texted what, and when, the tree and chocolates, your pursuing, etc) for a moment and look at the bigger picture. Your H picked up and left you and your D with no explanation or care for how you are doing. This is cruel and painful and it's okay to be angry.

I sense that you are feeling low about yourself and hoping desperately that he will come around. That is/was all of us to some extent. Keep in mind that you can control the former but not the latter. You can learn to feel better about you but you cannot control or influence if he comes back.

You have high expectations that he will come back around. And he very well may. What can you do in the mean time to be okay without him? Do you honestly need a man to decorate a tree and pick it up when it falls? I used to be that woman and I cringe to think of it now! ... If he does come back to work on the M, then what will you expect of him? Are you not hurt and angry for what he has done? Do you not deserve better than to just allow him back in your heart and life and trust he won't hurt you again?

You see I think he should be doing and saying these things BEFORE being granted entry back into the M. He is not a mouse in a hole that you need to tiptoe around. He is a man, husband, and a stepfather with real life responsibilities. I would like to see you expect that of him first and foremost. This is what you deserve.

I think it's time to take focus off of his every move and do what is needed for YOU, so you can learn what you actually deserve from a man. If you think this is what you deserve then this is the real issue at hand, not salvaging the M.

2*4 with love,
Blu

[Coly23]

Thank you Sotto, Job, AP, Altair and Blu. I accept your 2x4's with love.

Just digesting your comments but currently too emotional to respond at length. All your comments are valid and make perfect sense. Just need some time to think...

[AndrewP]

I'm wearing out your elastic band here so thought I'd reach out to you instead of W. Hope you're doing OK. Has the prom been and gone yet?

((((Coly23))))

[Coly23]

Hey AP! I know what you mean about wearing out those elastic bands, I think I'm going to need a replacement soon!

I've been feeling very tearful over the last few days. Weekends are always a slog when I don't hear from H even if I am busy which I definitely was this weekend.

The prom isn't until May but like buying a wedding dress they all order them in early!

What's making you 'ping' that elastic band of your's AP?

[AndrewP]

Coly - I know how you feel about weekends. Sundays are usually the worst for me - W and I would usually spend the day together having "adventures" like grocery shopping, breakfast out, visiting over coffee.

I think you would be one of the best here to understand how I'm feeling right now. I thought I was doing great up until I had coffee with W and then visited with S22. Up until then I had actually more or less given up on her returning and was just cruising along through until the new year when I would then perhaps face my choices more directly. Seeing any positive signs such as the news from the kids that they are hearing from her a lot more lately adds on hope. And since people usually find what they are looking for, I see lots of positive indications that W may be waking up. But then I have the calming voice of job to not get my hopes up too high. I've had to stop myself multiple times from contacting her to suggest another visit. Reaching out with an olive branch "feels right" but could go very wrong. I perhaps need to be Noah instead of the dove and wait for the olive branch to be brought to me. That poor man must have suffered waiting though (sorry if the Biblical reference is obscure to some).

I just reached out to SIL2 - who is a personal trainer and can always be counted on to say the right things to me. She also knows W the best of the SIL army and has been one of the people that W has been reconnecting with. I laid out my thoughts to her this morning and she came back with the sweetest comments that stoked up the hope furnaces a bit but more importantly made me feel good about myself. I hope you have someone in your life who can do that for you.

I'm still going to need that elastic quite a bit to get through the rest of December.

I'm so grateful for people like yourself who understand what we're going through. I can understand how and probably why you are feeling tearful. Do you have any Christmas music you can blast and help with the jolly? I had to remove a few from my playlist but it's still pretty long. You can do this GF - to quote a more manly type hero - Red Green (a Canadian thing) - and a line he uses at the end of his segments where he talks about middle-age - "I'm pullin' for ya. We're all in this together". Links are frowned on here but I'm going to cheat - hopefully this survives for a while and gives you a smile seeing the other side of the fence.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q29u0WCiCUQ

[Coly23]

Hey AP, thanks for the link that really made me giggle! I'll definitely have a look at a few more of his sketches!

Unfortunately that little taste of reconnection with out WAS, even small, is a real killer isn't it! It doesn't matter how many times you are told and you tell yourself to keep expectations low, as time goes on those expectations grow and grow and all those months of trying to detach go straight down the toilet!

As you know I have been a very bad DBer and yes I have done a bit if pursuing but I see it as if H didn't want to see me he would say so surely it's doing something that works because he is accepting 98% of my invites. My H is quite lazy at pursuit so I think I might be hanging around forever if I don't take the initiative every now and again! Saying that though I am pulling back on the contact. I'll wait for him to contact me now and see how it goes.

I think only you know how your W is likely to react if you invite her for coffee again. IDK, maybe the time of the year might be a good excuse... Waiting for my 2x4s again!!!

My problem is I want H to be on my timeline, which is now (!), and when it doesn't happen it sends me spinning! D told me this evening that she can see progress and that we are in a much better place now than a month ago and I guess I have to take that positive.

I think AP you have much more restraint than I do but I am grateful that you understand how difficult it is to maintain that restraint and why I've not been very good at it! I would have and did arrange to meet H for coffee a week later after our first meeting but the more I got the more I wanted. That's the killer!

I've not had the stomach to put Christmas music on yet, mostly because it's D's birthday first so thats my priority, but also I just can't seem to get into the spirit of Christmas as yet.

Forgot to say. The jam biscuits you were talking about that you like were they jammy dodgers?

[AndrewP]

Forgot to say. The jam biscuits you were talking about that you like were they jammy dodgers?

Those are the ones! I think I'm going to do some extra searching. I allow myself one box of cookies / week which is perhaps too much but carbs = happy some days. I will also get a sweet treat from the bake-shop once every few weeks - she does amazing half-sized cupcakes. I am thankful for the kind and supportive people all around me that have helped me get through this. And for cookies and biscuits of all sorts.

I'm going to snap the elastic a few more times and try to continue to resist the urge to invite W out. One major difference between our situations is that I do in fact know that she is watching me quite closely. It got rather meta because now she knows that I know that she knows what I'm up to on SnapChat It does help me to know that she's still holding on to her end of the rope. As job writes so often - at least to me - "trust the system". That doesn't stop me though I feel from presenting a calm, safe and loving image - but one that is occupied with their own life. The fact that it's not very exciting - today's Facebook update was that I'd finished my charitable donations for the year and was encouraging others to do the same - is perhaps a better thing than naked skydiving. W "did" make a point of asking about the MLC car I posted on SnapChat though - perhaps naked activities might be just the thing? One of her co-workers at the shop made a point of mentioning how good I looked on Saturday ....

Take care of yourself my friend. Sorry for taking up so much space on your thread with my story. You are a kind and friendly person to talk to and I hope it has been a pleasant distraction. Enjoy the Red Green - he is a "manly icon" at least here in North America. Not bad for a guy who essentially started out on public television.