Heartbroken and confused

[Gordie]

Rose, Jeep, ForGump, Vanilla,

Thank you for your input. Does it change my DB strategy and tactics if:

1. It's all in W's head and POM doesn't know
2. It's all in W's head and POM doesn't feel the same way
3. POM knows of W's intentions but thinks of it as just sex, nothing serious
4. W and POM want to have a romance/marriage
5. This is more than a fantasy or EA, but already a PA

[ForGump]

Gordie,

Overall the DB strategy might be the same regardless: detach, GAL, 180, etc. But... 2 things:

1) I think you have to ask yourself does it matter to YOU if your W has a one-way infatuation w/ a 22 year old vs. she is carrying on a physical affair. I think some spouses would say both are the same to him/her, while others feel he/she could tolerate an EA but not a PA. You tell us. Does it really feel the same to you if you knew your W was sleeping with someone, vs. only fantasizing about him? I know that for me, it doesn't feel the same at all, even if in my head I realize that an EA is very serious, very bad.

2) If your W is going through a mid-life crisis, that works pretty different than someone who might be categorized as a "walk away" or a "wayward." The distinctions are based on what are the driving forces in the spouse who is leaving the marriage. The forces that drive a MLC are not always the same as a WW or Wayward, and understanding what's really driving your W away from the marriage could help you deal with it better. Also, generally, I read that MLC lasts a very long time... years....

[Gordie]

ForGump,

1. Thank you. W actually initiated a R talk last night. She re confirmed this was an EA and not a PA and that she is waiting to file for D in the new year before having a talk with the POM about her intentions.

2. I've been reflecting on Rose's comments about religion and gender roles and reading the MLC threads. I think I am in the middle of a multi year MLC. I should have known this already but didn't really start listening to my W until after the BD in September.

3. Some highlights from last night:

I want our relationship to be better post S or D
I don't know if I want S or D but we need to live separately
I don't know if I believe in M any more
One man cannot fulfill all of my needs (emotional, intellectual, physical)
You need to live very close by so you can see the kids every day
I love you and forgive you for everything in the past; do you believe that I forgive you but no longer want to be married to you?
I want you and the POM in my life

[Rose888]

Hey Gordie.

I know you said you asked her about polyamory already and she said that's not what she wants, but what you reported from last night sure seems to line up wih polyamory.

You might find helpful resources if you search for when your spouse wants to try poly but you don't. (Or you might want to read up on poly to see if it could interest you. I don't want to assume.)

I think a situation in which one spouse wants to be poly and the other wants to be monogamous is harder in terms of reconciling the M than a situation in which both partners share a commitment to monogamy at least in theory.

It might be easier in terms of having a good relationship after D.

I recommend reading and working on yourself and not making any decisions yet. You are still learning.

[Gordie]

Rose,

Your observations are spot on. We discussed poly back in October and she said no. But last night she seemed to have changed her mind. I think she doesn't like the poly terminology but her desires fit the idea. I have read some books on poly and don't know what I think about being in a poly relationship (and I said that last night) I take it as a good sign that:

1. She forgave me last night for past offenses (something previously only partly offered)
2. She was more open to sharing her thoughts and desires with me

[Vanilla]

Gordie

Remember the 100% of what they say

In this case believe nothing until you can prove it

Rationalising waywardness is gloop speak from scrambled egg brains.

It is likely different tomorrow.

And that includes the sapping 'I forgive you'. Which is ridiculous and entitled stuff.

Your WW is very definitely wayward in all of the circus you mention above. She isn't even covert about it so she is confident of your compliance. I think so.

As for sharing her thoughts and desires with you, it's hurtful and disrespectful to treat your H in this way.

To a large extent I am minded of MCS WW who chased after a guy who was not interested in a proper R with her, had a gf he adored and lived with.

As far as I recollect she is still chasing her EA crush. It's been 3 years. Lost in a cheese less tunnel.

I can't see she is offering you Poly, just cake and after your resources.

No one man can fulfil her, right on, that's HER job to do for HER.

Supposing that has to be three or four or more?

Wayward is as wayward does.

She has children to think of.

My 2c

V

[Gordie]

Vanilla,

Thank you and worth way more than two cents. Yes, the story keeps changing. I actually said something about that last night. Thus, still heartbroken and confused. I'm reading all of these threads on here and it's incredibly helpful to hear others' stories. Some days the pain is so unbearable, yet like Jeep in his posts throughout, I can't stop loving my W and hope for a reconciliation. I really do love her and can't imagine my life without her. We really have been best friends for 20+ years. Further, we have to raise our kids together for many years to come. W is a great mom.

Here is my success story fantasy: We get D, but we remain friends who see each other daily because of the kids. She chases POM. At some point, her fantasy life with POM doesn't match reality (could be months or years). I keep the door open and we are able to reconcile.

Do other people have these types of fantasies?

[sandi2]

We discussed poly back in October and she said no. But last night she seemed to have changed her mind. I think she doesn't like the poly terminology but her desires fit the idea. I have read some books on poly and don't know what I think about being in a poly relationship (and I said that last night) I take it as a good sign that:

Did you grow up in that religious belief or lifestyle? Forgive me if I am not stating this tactfully. If this is something you are considering as a way to keep your W, please be very careful. You need to let your spiritual beliefs, personal values, morals and standards be your guide. Whatever she is experiencing, MLC or waywardness, should not call you into taking part in the her an arena of such drastic proportions. IMHO, it is opening the door to much more pain and possibly a nightmare from hell.

[Vanilla]

Gordie


Love is never a waste, I still love the Giggalo, at a distance, I love me more.

That's the stage you reach when the wayward frankly won't be the best for you. It's a process.

And yes, we always have these fantasies. That's what they are fantasies. And sometimes real flesh and blood love from someone solid who loves you back is vital.

In time, it takes time. And remember one POM gives rise to another one. And how good would it be for your kids to be with a 22 year old? That would soon get old.

Eventually reality bites.

But yes others do have these fantasies.

Very occasionally they do come to pass. It takes work though.

My thought is you are just at the start of this journey. You are in the right place with a tribe to give you feedback.

V

[Gordie]

Sandi2,

Thank you. Your advice is golden. No, I do not come from a poly background and didn't know anything about it until my recent developments. It would be a radical departure from my life to date. I am so confused right now. I feel I am a tiny boat that is being tossed around in a tsunami. Everyday the heretofore unthinkable unfolds before my eyes. I don't know what I believe anymore. I have always been a very grounded person and now I am on a never ending emotional roller coaster. Fortunately, I have some IRL friends who have been supporting me. For the first month, I was so shocked and ashamed, I told no one. A friend became really concerned and he had to pry it out of me. I found an IC I liked. I got a DB coach. I opened up to other friends. I found this discussion board! Thank you all for listening and offering your experience and insight.