Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 7

[Vanilla]

A number of things.

Diagnosing NPD is difficult and actually it doesn't matter if you have a label or no. The behaviour Sara is abusive and the way he has been about the STD is all about him. I see no remorse for this physical assault on you.

If he is NPD then he has no conscience so he will be asking you how you are not to assauge his guilt but out of pleasure. He has control and you having this procedure and still being there is evidence of his control. Just saying.

When I went for my STD test the Giggalo said 'that's part of being in an R'. No Giggalo, it's evidence that you are wayward and fishing in the shallow end of the swamp. If you have no regard for yourself then why would you have any regard for my health?

Frankly if you read my thread on it, that was a big spell break moment for me.

An observation again from me, Sara by being there at home after the proceedure and asking WH to take care of the kids, pretty please is minimising. I think you may be trying to make a point with WH. To see if he is guilty and is penitent. It's clear it's all BAU for him and he has done the minimum 'do you want to talk'.

This isn't self care sweetheart. Because this isn't BAU.

Just another bump into the road?

V

[Vanilla]

V teStedham

The moment of spell break V lets go

V

[Vanilla]

That should read V is tested!

V

[J5K]

Sara,

You are such a strong individual. I wish I had something to add to help your sitch. I think you are on the right path.

The wayward has no compassion or emotion for others close to them. Wrt to narcissism, your WH definitely has tendencies that swing towards NPD. The label means nothing though. They put themselves first. Continue to take care of yourself.


(((Sara)))

[PsySara]

1. How qualified is the IC? A psychologist?

She is a licensed clinical psycholigst who is certified in family and marriage counseling, she has national Gottman certification and she has a Ph.D. I did extensive vetting before choosing her.

2. Is it the same Gottman MC who tried to get you to give up?

Yes

3. Did your H display any of these traits while you were dating or before BD?

...no? I look back and see a lot of cluelessness, eventually he would realize how selfish something he did was, he would change his behavior. He's always been very rigid inside his own head but honestly I felt he behaved more like someone with Asperger's. If you told him in very concrete ways ("When you did this I felt like this") He would "get it." But now I am doubting my own ability to see the forest or even the trees with regards to WH. His personality is so cold and just...mean now. HE has no remorse or empathy for the pain he has wrought. He always goes back to my "short comings" when we discuss how much the affair hurt me.


ForGump:
Like I said with Dory, WH was a bit clueless unless I spelled it out in clear, concrete terms when he did something that hurt me. But I kind of felt he might be lightly on the Autism spectrum. Now I have no idea.

Surfer,
I was always able to control my anger in the past once I married WH. But there was something about the affair that just...broke me. Now this rage sticks in my throat, in my chest. It suffocates me and colors my days and nights, it steals my joy. The fact that WH just appears so utterly apathetic to the destruction he's wrought. The injustice that he just sleeps with some wh0re and then gets to abandon his wife and kids, I see red. I have apologized for losing my temper but most of the time WH just scoffs and tells me that my apology means nothing, that it's in my nature to be angry. And it isn't, I'm not comfortable in my own skin right now, this anger burns me from the inside out. I'll watch that "It's not about the nail."

Vanilla,

An observation again from me, Sara by being there at home after the proceedure and asking WH to take care of the kids, pretty please is minimising

I asked WH to watch the kids because I had NO energy left. I was completely empty and exhausted. If he didn't watch the kids I am not sure what I would have done, called a relative or something? I just didn't have it in me to boot strap my way through it. Today I talked to a trusted colleague who is married to a WH. HE cheated on her when their son was 2 years old, she stayed and tried and tried to reconcile but he would relapse and cheat again and again. She says she stopped caring and that's when the anger went a way. She is filing for divorce this summer and their son is 13. She told me if she were in my place she would simply file and call it a day. She feels like she has wasted the last 10 years of her life waiting on her WH to fix himself but he never has. I will definitely read your threads this weekend, thank you Vanilla.

JimKao,
I am trying to decide if NPD is really his "label" or if it's simply the result of being wayward? Chicken or egg, you know?

I made it through the work day and came home, bought pizza for delivery for the kids and now just letting my hair down. Weird thoughts have been going through my head, like taking off my hijab permanently. Part of me feels I was doing it as a respect towards my husband, another part of me likes controlling who can and cannot see my more attractive features. I don't know, I think I am kind of spinning but without much emotion. Apathetic spinning? Burn out? This coming week I am going to try and schedule a day for a massage or something.

[Vanilla]

Sara

Someone else sitch isn't yours ok, although there can be parallels.

And yes, a relative or friend for the kids whilst you take extreme care of you. This will take its toll on you, inevitable. Living on adrenalin isn't great for the body, it creates trauma and living that way is detrimental to mind, body and spirit.

At this point the one I am most concerned for is you Sara. And your health and wellbeing.

Much more than anything else. This virus in your body will use reserves.

This is an important time for you, a window of care for yourself.

Hugs

V

[PsySara]

Thank you Vanilla, your insight is always welcome and helpful.

I spent the weekend enjoying the sunshine and today took the kids to lunch and a park for 2 hours. They found some other children around their age and ran until they dropped. On the drive home all three of them were sleeping in their car seats, it was hysterical. They just had dinner and I am taking it easy while the baby plays with his toys and DD5 and DS4 are playing "cooking." WH is on call so he will not be off until 7 pm. I am just enjoying the evening in peace and quiet. Soon I will get them bathed and ready for bed and everything set for tomorrow.

The realtor called and it looks like we found the house and the price I wanted. We are going to be able to get the house for well below it's value as they market is cold and the seller is HUGELY motivated to get the house off the market. Te schools are some of the top rated in the nation and they are public. This will be a big savings as I was planning to send them to a very expensive private school but that may not be necessary.

Things between WH and I are cordial. Yesterday I was playing with the kids and he was watching me. HE asked me very softly, "Can I hug you?" I was a bit surprised as he has never been the one to approach me for physical affection. I said, "Sure." He held me very tightly and I backed away after a few seconds and smiled at him. Before I would have felt excited and hopeful but at the moment I just felt neutral. That's my weekend update.

[ForGump]

We found the house ... We are going to be able to get the house...

We, as in ... you and your WH? Are you sure it's a good time to buy a house together? Doesn't it set you up for possible complications?

[PsySara]

We found the house ... We are going to be able to get the house...

We, as in ... you and your WH? Are you sure it's a good time to buy a house together? Doesn't it set you up for possible complications?

The house will be in my name only and I have budgeted it with the thought of only my income. (just in case) The fact of the matter is I am paying money to rent a house and it's just tossing away more money than I would be paying for a mortgage. Plus this rental has turned into a comedy of errors, weekly something else breaks and the realtors send out a plumber/carpenter/maintenance worker. The house I have my eye on is up to date in everything, the public schools are some of the top rated in the nation and the area is very nice. This is part of my "moving forward" things. In the past my DB coach said to live life as if WH is in a coma on life support, basically decide as if I have no one else.

Things are in a holding pattern, WH and I are cordial, discuss only the children and keep things impersonal, like we're neighbors or something. I am okay with that as I have only the strength to take care of myself and the kids. I continue this weird non-feeling around him, it's like living with a roommate I don't know very well.

We are going to WDW this weekend for DD5 and DS4 birthday. (belated for DS and early for DD) I bought them those silly toys called Hatchimals. (DD5 has been asking for over 3 months and I got them when they were "only" $60) My cousin and his partner will be coming too and I think it will be an absolutely great time for the kids. I am excited and look forward to building new memories and watching the kid's faces light up.

[Vanilla]

The movery seems sound to me Sara and puts you in control of your destiny.

Has the L said what WH entitlement to the house will be? I suggest you check if being legally S would cut his entitlement. Is it possible for the house to be in trust so WH has no share in it?

Or can WH assign his rights?

Just saying.

I love your weekend plans.

V