Heartbroken and confused

[Gordie]

ForGump--

You are right re be the life of the party. I don't want to be a phony. I was brainstorming things I could try and that would be a 180 for me.

[Dawgs]

What's your evidence for this?

There doesn't seem to be any evidence that the 22-year-old POM has any interest in Gordie's wife.

Showing a possible other side to things, ma'am. After all, do we have proof they aren't? Or do we just treat is as they aren't and go with it? Is it not possible that there COULD be something other than in her own mind? If that were case and the POM knew, he would shut that down fast, especially given the circumstances. Or is it possible, just possible, that there is something going on? After all, isn't one of the going things on here to never believe what they say as they lie?

[Dawgs]

You are right re be the life of the party. I don't want to be a phony. I was brainstorming things I could try and that would be a 180 for me.

Being yourself is the best, yet one of the hardest things, you can do given the circumstances.

[Rose888]

Your wife is feeling "things she didn't know she could feel anymore," and, like Jeep said, you can't reason someone out of that state of mind. Their brain is on drugs (the euphoria of infatuation, a.k.a. limerence).

You can do a lot to show that you are a fun, exciting partner -- but you can't compete on the same level as the 22 year old employee. I think she has to decide for herself that you can't have a satisfying long-term relationship if you're just chasing intoxicating infatuations. She might realize that tomorrow, she might realize it three years from now, after her obsession with infatuation brings hollow disappointments.

I guess my point is ... you wrote, "Be the life of the party." Well, don't be a phony. Change, but be true to yourself. You can't be subservient to your W's midlife crisis.

I agree with this.

There is no guarantee that this will work out how you want, even if you do everything perfectly from here on out. The emotional charge of the EA is strong.

So make changes while staying true to yourself. Instead of saying you are going to be the life of the party, maybe say you are going to invite people over more often, or you are going to improve your small-talk skills. Be you, just give yourself a chance to expand beyond the boundaries you have drawn for yourself.

[ForGump]

Gordie, we're tossing out advice to you over the Internet, w/o seeing the full picture. So I hope you take it for what it's worth.

The 22 year old: Try really hard to remember what you felt like when you were 22 years old. Remember what it felt like to have a girlfriend that age, to lust after other young women of that age. How much was a 40-something mother of five on your radar? If a 40-something mother-of-five came onto you, would you have jumped right into bed? Maybe. Yes, sure that kind of thing does happen, but what are the odds. The most likely thing is, you are shocked, embarrassed, and confused about what to do because the 40-something mother-of-five is your boss and you like your job and you need the money.

The other thing is, Gordie, if you really suspect some 22 year old punk is messing with your wife, what you gonna do? Are you gonna wring your hands and agonize over it in an Internet forum while it goes on day in and day out? Screw DB. Screw your wife's feelings. You've got feelings too. You've got your self-respect.

I'd talk to them. Not fly off the handle. Not throw out accusations. Ask. Don't spy. You deserve to know what the hell is up.

I am willing to bet you it's all in your wife's head (which is bad enough); and the 22 year old is just plain old uncomfortable and embarrassed about it. Stop all of this in the tracks, because, if nothing else, your wife is opening up her (both of your?) business to a serious lawsuit.

[Gordie]

I think no answer to this is possible, it's like do I look fat in this dress. No it's like in five years time will I look fat in this dress.

In my opinion too many variables.

Vanilla, thank you. I think this answer is the right one for me. I can't project how I am going to feel in the future, no matter what my current intentions.

[Rose888]

What's your evidence for this?

There doesn't seem to be any evidence that the 22-year-old POM has any interest in Gordie's wife.

Showing a possible other side to things, ma'am. After all, do we have proof they aren't? Or do we just treat is as they aren't and go with it? Is it not possible that there COULD be something other than in her own mind? If that were case and the POM knew, he would shut that down fast, especially given the circumstances. Or is it possible, just possible, that there is something going on? After all, isn't one of the going things on here to never believe what they say as they lie?

We say not to believe the wayward spouse.

This is a 22-year-old kid who WORKS FOR a woman in her 40s who is infatuated with him. How is he supposed to shut this down without quitting or risking his job?

I do feel like he should be given the benefit of the doubt until there is evidence that he is encouraging her attentions and not simply caught in a mess.

[ForGump]

In my limited knowledge ... people who remain buddies after a divorce ... they kind of grew apart together. It's much less likely to happen when a spouse hurts the other spouse and leaves him/her.

I love my wife and I hate all that she is doing to me and my family. Can I remain friends after the divorce? Maybe. An astroid can strike the earth and we can all die tomorrow. Will I do what is reasonable to be a good co-parent to my kids? Yes. But I cannot be her emotional support, I cannot keep loving her after she leaves me. I certainly will not promise my W that after the divorce I will keep loving her. I can only promise to be a good co-parent, and that I will move on with my life the best I know how.

[Dawgs]

The 22 year old: Try really hard to remember what you felt like when you were 22 years old. Remember what it felt like to have a girlfriend that age, to lust after other young women of that age. How much was a 40-something mother of five on your radar? If a 40-something mother-of-five came onto you, would you have jumped right into bed? Maybe. Yes, sure that kind of thing does happen, but what are the odds. The most likely thing is, you are shocked, embarrassed, and confused about what to do because the 40-something mother-of-five is your boss and you like your job and you need the money.

Good post, Gump. I'm not embarrassed to say that at 22 there may/may not have been a 40+ or two. 22 yr olds are still primarily after one thing... Happens way more than one thinks. I do see your point and can agree with it.

He does deserve to know what's up, but he needs to tread very carefully.

[Gordie]

ForGump,

You are so right. After the initial BD (how do I create a signature?), I suspected that an OM may be involved. At first W wouldn't answer me directly but after a few weeks confessed that she was in love with the POM. W says she hasn't told him how she feels and wants to get a D before doing so. W also says she doesn't know if POM feels the same way, but W thinks POM does.