She also won't ask me to sleep in our bed together. We were doing this just a little less than a month ago before our last fight. She called our marriage counselor and set a session up on her own free will as I have began this letting go process. I am having mixed feelings it seems. I love her, but at the same time I wonder if I could be happier with someone else.
She also won't ask me to sleep in our bed together. We were doing this just a little less than a month ago before our last fight. She called our marriage counselor and set a session up on her own free will as I have began this letting go process. I am having mixed feelings it seems. I love her, but at the same time I wonder if I could be happier with someone else.
Tell her that since she left the relationship, she needs to leave the marital bed - and say it like that. And you, MLH, DO NOT leave the bed. Its up to her. As far as your snooping, as long as you have enough info to prove an affair, then stop. You've got all you need. DO NOT throw it away. It will come in VERY useful if there are divorce proceedings.
Quote:
I love her, but at the same time I wonder if I could be happier with someone else
Very telling statement. Very. To me, if you are wondering like you say, then that says you are just as done as she is and it is time to move on.
Time to focus on yourself. And get your head clear (don't make my mistake) before bringing anyone else into the picture...only AFTER you are divorced, of course. Now, sex, on the other hand, with someone else after the divorce is sometimes just what the doctor ordered.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
MLH--I have been back with my W for 50 days... she has been very nice to me for these 50 days... I have been up and down in my head about our M over this time frame...happy or not as happy--for me, it is related to the judgement, forgiveness, blame etc.... If I could do these things completely, I think I would be happy... But I also know she is not the person I created in my head over the past 15 years.... I had a fantasy (not reality) about our marriage and about her.... I am nice to her, I do not get angry (or she never sees it so to speak) I never yell or raise my voice during this whole time. My intent has been that if we make it through this, I would have done mostly the right things.... being mature...
I wanted to save the MR so to speak, and then know I may need to walk away later because maybe I could be happier with someone else or by myself etc... This helps me even today. I try to do the best things to save the MR... I used this forum for ideas...
I thought what is the harm in working to save the MR and then if I change my mind, it is my choice, versus hers (maybe that is selfish...) but it helped me stay focused and less emotional.
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
I guess I should clarify. I am not looking for someone else. I just try and picture if another person would treat me better and make me happy. Trying to be a nice guy without being a door mat is tough. I am naturally easy going and laid back. But this EA she was invested in brought the worst out of me and she says she didn't like it. Duh! I wouldn't have been add in that way if she wouldn't of been involved with another guy.
It is a tough position--the crazy W does these things---and then we have to pick up the pieces and behave mature during the process--we did not ask for this .....
That is the tough part....
I do not due it well all the time... I try to remember that the road is wider than I think it is... so to speak, I just try to keep driving down the road. I could have done a few things better.... but in general I keep this old guy in my head... If I was 70 and looking back and talking to my son who has an issue with his wife, could I say, well your mother and I had a similar issue, and just tell it as a life story... things happen...and you take it on and move forward and good times outweigh the bad times.... enough to make it worth it.... Easier to say when it is not you. In the end --that is the trick--get the emotion out of the way and what would you do if it was not you.....
If you are not emotional--you could say--just do it and give it some time... she will come back and then you can see what the R is like..... Obviously if your W does something to far gone well then you may say, that is too much...
I certainly though an A was way too much..... before.... when I started reading and saw that this is common... then I tried to be more patient.... still crazy to me... I cannot believe how common it is... how people get carried away and go down the rabbit hole...
I have plenty of other things to do with my life, I work out, go to work and focus on kids and family and there is no time left..... But my W had time because she was a stay at home mom.... so time to talk to people on FB etc..... she was bored. So I try to understand.....I work hard for her and kids.... and she is bored.
But it is what it is....now.....
I hope some of this is helpful
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
Steady, my wife works a full time job. Thats the disheartening thing. Throughout these few months she chose not to be around her family because she said the tension was too much with us 2. I am the main contributor to our childrens lives. Take them to school and daycare. My wife works a job that requires her to be in early but even on her days off I take the kids where they need to be and typically bring them home. She chose to hang out with this guy on her off time, instead of work on our relationship. Now that being said, I dont know where her mind was then. I dont know where it is now, she does spend time at home and we have done a little as a family, part of me thinks she is just hanging in for the holidays.
She called our marriage counsellor last week and scheduled us an appt this week on her own free will. Not sure if she is trying to manipulate my mind to put it at ease until after the holidays or if she truly wants to see if she has what it takes to repair us. She is on week 3 of her med weaning process and she told me she has started feeling depressed, which I know was going to happen, natural reaction. Anyone have any experience with these things
Thats the disheartening thing. Throughout these few months she chose not to be around her family because she said the tension was too much with us 2. I am the main contributor to our childrens lives. Take them to school and daycare. My wife works a job that requires her to be in early but even on her days off I take the kids where they need to be and typically bring them home. She chose to hang out with this guy on her off time, instead of work on our relationship. Now that being said, I dont know where her mind was then. I dont know where it is now, she does spend time at home and we have done a little as a family, part of me thinks she is just hanging in for the holidays.
Right there with you. Mine sees them every other weekend since she lives in a different state. And that's it. Even before she moved (military), I did everything. School, sports, etc. However, my ex thinks she's a great mom.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
well, i have told my W that if she moves outside our town that she wont have to worry about seeing them on a regular basis. My childrens childhood is most important and having a child an established school is important. I know, it sounds bad, but it is not their decision for us to split if we do, its hers.
She called our marriage counsellor last week and scheduled us an appt this week on her own free will. Not sure if she is trying to manipulate my mind to put it at ease until after the holidays or if she truly wants to see if she has what it takes to repair us.
Hello MLH,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Is the MC someone you have both been working with together or individually? Not all MC are created equal and some are not marriage friendly. Michele has an excellent video "When Couples Therapy is a Bad idea" I would be happy to send you a link via email if you contact me directly.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
