Just so you all know. I am reading the books and materials with every spare moment that I have.
It made me laugh out loud just now but I was just thinking this must be what it feels like to suddenly have to land an airplane with no prior experience.
you have to learn how to land it right or die and you don't have much time.
Please be extremely hesitant about saying anything that sounds like an ultimatum to her. I am concerned things may backfire on you, and that's why I encourage you to read the links. You may want to do some research on MLC, too.
When you can look inward and see what you need to do to improve yourself, you can set personal goals to keep you on track. Then decide or figure how you can obtain those goals. You can read information or look for personal growth tapes/classes or whatever it is you feel you need.
What about your parents and your childhood? Do you have a good relationship with them?
What do you like to do for fun? What gives you inspiration?
I think we can learn from each other here on the board. So, stick with it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What about your parents and your childhood? Do you have a good relationship with them?
What do you like to do for fun? What gives you inspiration?
I think we can learn from each other here on the board. So, stick with it.
My mother was pretty much always dissatisfied with life in general. she provided all the physical things that I needed but emotionally she taught me nothing. I nearly had to grow up emotionally from scratch when I left the house. she eventually divorced my dad and ran off with a man 20 years younger. amazingly, they are still together and her attitude has improved. we are on speaking terms and she seems to love her grandkids.
My dad definitely suffers from nice guy syndrome and does till this very day. He never stood up to my mom when she was hard on my brother and I and he did everything wrong when my mom was leaving him. He remarried and divorced the same woman two times after my mom. I talk to him occasionally on the phone but that is it. I'm pretty sure I inherited my "goblin king" tendencies from him. I am actively working on improving this part of myself.
I enjoy judo and while I am not a tournament winner, I am decent at it and can win matches sometimes. It keeps me in good shape and it keeps my spirit up. Judo workouts are intense and that has really provided me the only relief from my sadness. My older son enjoys working out with me and the younger one is expressing interest in getting on the mat when he is old enough.
wife called me at work today "just to say hi and see how I was doing" This is weird because she very rarely does this anytime for many years. we talked for a bit and I was on the road for work so I was able to stop at home for lunch. She was friendly and when it was time for me to go she hugged me and kissed me several times. This is after 6 months of turning away from my kisses and 3 more months of me not even trying to kiss her.
I have no idea what to think of this. Very confusing. She was just telling me I was the goblin king less than 24 hours ago.
Lex, your troubled family life is another reason why I think you'd benefit from getting individual counseling, to see what good and bad baggage you are bringing to your marriage, and how you can be a healthier individual.
Re: your current "game plan" for talking to your wife ... as Sandi2 said I'd keep thinking about it before going forward, but one thing I advise you to think about is how, in your game plan, you want to avoid treating your W like a child, and more like a spouse. I'm concerned that if you frame things in terms of, "if you don't do X, I'm going to take away Y," that perpetuates the parent-child dynamic in your marriage. You are to be two equal partners pulling the same weight, helping each other. I'm not sure how this applies to finances, if you're the one getting a paycheck and your W earns nothing. But there's got to be a way to address this without sounding like a parent taking away an allowance from a child.
Re: your W's affection today -- it must feel good. I'd give a million bucks for something like that from my W. In any case, you can't mind read, and she's likely going to flip-flop, so be steady, super steady. Warm & friendly but detached. Steel yourself for her being mean tomorrow, or realizing that she's still infatuated with the celebrity.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Took the kids roller skating this weekend. we all had a pretty good time. the kids did pretty well for their first time. roller skating brings back positive memories from W past. back to no physical contact all weekend. spent all weekend reflecting on how to approach wife about her affair. @forgump - I believe that you are exactly right about how I do this. If there is even a shade of inequality or "parenting" in my approach then it is going to fail. she is definitely hyper-sensitive to me controlling anything right now. thinking hard on how to keep that from happening.
wife talked about future plans with me about vacating next summer and a few other things. feels so weird to me she won't acknowledge our marriage but still talks about future plans almost a year away.
wife called me at work today "just to say hi and see how I was doing" This is weird because she very rarely does this anytime for many years. we talked for a bit and I was on the road for work so I was able to stop at home for lunch. She was friendly and when it was time for me to go she hugged me and kissed me several times. This is after 6 months of turning away from my kisses and 3 more months of me not even trying to kiss her.
I have no idea what to think of this. Very confusing. She was just telling me I was the goblin king less than 24 hours ago.
Just going with the flow for now.
Fluctuations in affection really confuse me too
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
wife talked about future plans with me about vacating next summer and a few other things. feels so weird to me she won't acknowledge our marriage but still talks about future plans almost a year away.
My W does this too; she keeps talking about D and our future together. I like to think of it as confusing and W not knowing what she wants but other veterans think she is just being manipulative and knows exactly what she wants.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I was reflecting today on my journey so far. I think I have gone through the stages of grief and am nearing the last stage. I was definitely in denial for a few months. First total denial that anything was going wrong, then partial denial when I was thinking that things could be repaired quickly. Then I remember being angry for a few weeks. I moved through that quickly. I have never been able to hold onto anger for long. Then I remember bargaining as lasting 4 or 5 months. That was when I was trying to "fix" the situation by talking to W and doing things for her. Definitely wasted some time and did some damage during this time. I am hard headed this way, but I never begged, so that is good. I think I can fix things that are unfixable. It was when I realized that this was impossible that I started searching the internet for what I did not know. I found this forum then. It was a big help but it caused me to move into depression. I had some of the lowest days I have ever known. This might sound foolish but I actually didn't know a person could be that sad. It really surprised me. I really turned in on myself for a few more months. I reflected on how it would be possible to be even sadder (death of a child for example) and this made me cringe. I hope I never experience that. Yesterday, something clicked in me. I'm kind of thinking today that I really have lost my wife. Just because she is physically here does not mean that we have a connection. I am happy that we are still together for the kids sake. I don't know if I will fall backwards into depression again but today I only feel a kind of low level melancholy. I have a real "come what may" feeling. I hope that my W comes around but I guess I will have to accept whatever happens.
Not sure why I am writing this. I think maybe it will be good to come and read it later. Especially if I start to get depressed again.
