I told her I was sorry, I support whatever her decision is, but once we have split we are done. Is thatbwrong?? That's truly how I feel. It's been 6 months of agony for me and we currently live under the same roof.
I know how you feel. I was under the same roof for almost a year. I'm not sure, but I'd be kind of leery of that. It almost seems as if its an ultimatum for her in a sort of get with me or else kind of thing. Things take time, some come back that fast and some much later. One thing that we need to remember is that their decision to BD wasn't overnight - sometimes it was months or years in the making...and that is a lot to undo.
You know that whole patience is a virtue thing? Well, it kind of is. But don't ask me about because I have none...haha.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Steady, your sitch sounds like it has worked out pretty good so far with quick results. My timeline is just like yours. EA or PA in July and sept, and confronted in August. Only difference is my WW was doing active things such as new bank account, new cell phone, pretty much cut all ties with me all while I maintain our checking account and our family plan for cell phones, which I am under contract with so I pay for 2 phones and only really need to pay for one. I believe she still has contact with the OM but have no way of knowing. The OM and her do still anger me because it just seems pointless other than destroying our relationship and marriage. We still live together but sleep in separate rooms, which is getting pretty old. I probably can't afford our lifestyle and kids without 2 incomes and neither can she at this moment. Since i confronted her about the EA, she has had 2 vehicle accidents and busted 3 tires on 2 separate occasions. She just seems as if she is spiraling.
MLH-- hmmm--once I was able to know for sure about A (hearing a phone call) then it was easier for me to detach and let her go. I waited 5 days to say anything. This allowed me to stay calm and deliver the "Everyone is free to make there own choices and I am letting you go to do that" speech....I did not confront about A at that time. Another 5 days or so went by and my W was starting to show more attention to me (I did not have sex with her or anything during that time... maybe a kiss on the forehead... ) after another 5 days... the inquires I made to her recent trip to her hometown.. she could probably tell that I somehow found out... And then by the time I let her know, it was a light hearted conversation... I simply said "I now about --OM name'--" She said she could tell by then I must know.. and wondered who told me. She had no idea that I could be inquisitive enough and pay attention to what she was doing. (she thought I was too busy with my work life and did not care enough to pay attention to it....like her turning her location services off on her phone...) duh.... Most my W thought I would never find out due to the 3,000 miles away ....
My W did not want to lose me and I do not think she wanted the OM for long term... So I was lucky. I did have to let her know directly that I was letting her go... and with my tone, she could tell I was serious ....(not yelling just a calm direct tone) So when she knew I was serious--I asked her to read about infidelity and she did, I asked her to write a note to me about what was important in a R and she did, I asked her to cut contact with OM and she did and I asked her to give me access to her electronics and she did and she cancelled her FB account on her own.... I do think I was lucky compared to others on this forum. I do think it was important to clearly let her know I was letting her go...I did not use the divorce word.
In my case, my W thought I had no idea of A and OM... so when I confronter her, it only took her a couple of days to act more like a kid that got in trouble. She went from being kind of a jerk and posturing with me over things... for example, give me the silent treatment for something, to being the nicest person in the world ... so far it has been 50 days... of great stuff.
I thought we would split up and I am still not sure where we will land. (I have to overcome some things, like the I had a fantasy R with my W and now I know she is like this, and I was living in a dream....uhg) Ok probably we will work out.... but my work is not done.
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
I could not wait once I learned of someone and my wife texting all hours of the. Ifht. I even called the number To only hear a guy pick Up. I was pissed! I know now I should have reacted differently and see how it played out but I am not in an open relationship. I did all the. As things, got intimate her phone and Facebook. Saw more uncomfortable things. Now she doesn't trust me because of me snooping. I now know snooping is the worst.
I could not wait once I learned of someone and my wife texting all hours of the. Ifht. I even called the number To only hear a guy pick Up. I was pissed! I know now I should have reacted differently and see how it played out but I am not in an open relationship. I did all the. As things, got intimate her phone and Facebook. Saw more uncomfortable things. Now she doesn't trust me because of me snooping. I now know snooping is the worst.
Funny how they get angry about our snooping. They are angry at our finding out about their shenanigans... I snooped and found some downright disgusting things and guess what? I got blamed - that whole projection of guilt...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I didn't get blamed but me snooping around was the worst thing in the world that could been going on at the time. She belittled the fact that she had began talking and texting to a guy she met at the bar. Now she says she has trusted now she said she has trust issues because she cannot trust me around her phone. I knew when I started looking in the phone that I may see something that I did not like and I did. I told her I was willing to work on it and move forward and keep it in the past but it will be part of my history. She is still mad that I went into her phone and sell things on her Facebook messenger.
Also to note I didn't just begin going through her phone. I suspected she was still texting one of the two guys and I wanted to verify that she wasn't. Our relationship has never had phones that we were off-limits to. She began putting a password on her phone and also laying her phone facedown. Those were too suspicious signs that I saw. Then she changed your passcode to something totally different which I knew had a connection with one of the guys. What she said that she thought I was putting tracking software on her phone she got a new phone. I never once put tracking software on her phone but I will admit I had use the I phone tracking service that every iPhone has it one time to see were her whereabouts were.
she has trust issues because she cannot trust me around her phone.
That's because she doesn't want you to see her contact with the OM.
Quote:
She is still mad that I went into her phone and sell things on her Facebook messenger.
Of course, she got caught.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
MLH-- I was able to snoop and then have my data in place, all of the data I needed to let her know that I knew...
Then I calmly let her go.... And I guess she could have said, ok, I am moving out. I was prepared for that. I think it is key for the W to know that you are prepared--or detached... that is the only way to get the W to turn around if they are going to turn around... they have to see your car is leaving for good... (obviously you can change your mind later as things change) This is not an ultimatum... just boundaries.... -I only want to be with you if these things happen or these things do not happen... people are free to make their own choices and then you decide.
Not sure if you need to snoop anymore... You have the data you need. Right?
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
Also--I think when she gets mad... you could practice your demeanor... calmly say, yes, I looked at it just needed to confirm that you did not want to be in a R with me since you did not tell me... (not sure if this fits if she told you already) I will not look anymore and I will move forward knowing you are making your own choices. and leave it at that.... she should know that you will make your own choices without you saying the words.
My best advice, is to do the stuff said on this forum... find a way to get your mind and heart right so that you can be happy and detached... all the time, not shaken, remain calm..... It is the best way to get your W to turn around if it is going to occur... It is not the time to think you do not want her back if this or that happens... first things first.... do what is said here, if she comes back, then you decide then what you will do... do not decide now.
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
MLH-- I was able to snoop and then have my data in place, all of the data I needed to let her know that I knew...
Not sure if you need to snoop anymore... You have the data you need. Right?
I have my data saved for reference. I was keeping a log book but as I began getting more depressed I stopped. I began taking medication and started working on myself vs putting all efforts into that log book. I have stopped being as snoopy. I think she has made some financial decisions That wouldn't be beneficial to our marriage.
