Heartbroken and confused

[Gordie]

Vanilla,

Thank you. I am not in the UK. I have not moved out of the MBR. You brought up many good points:

1. We both agree this is inappropriate public behavior. This is why she has only told me and wants to D before pursuing the POM (like that abbreviation).

2. I think this will be bad for her reputation and business, but she disagrees and is not listening to me on this point.

3. Yes, I need to see a lawyer.

Thanks to you and Jeep for the tough love.

[Rose888]

We all approach people's stories on this board from our own perspective.

Sandi has experience from the wayward wife perspective.

I have the experience of growing up in a religion that constrained women's roles and leaving that religion as a married woman with children.I've also watched quite a few others go through that transition as well.

From my perspective, there was a lot of important clues in your first post.

Married my college sweetheart in 1996. We were committed Christians and our first loves. Over the next fifteen years, we had a harmonious relationship, five kids and many, many good times. I worked 12 hours a day and my wife was a stay at home mom. In 2011, she started changing: focused on improving her diet, losing weight, exercising, looking sexy, embracing other religious beliefs, getting new friends, starting her own business.

You mentioned in a later post that she asked why you got to have a career and she got to stay home.

It's pretty easy to put these details together and create the story of a woman who was raised to believe that a woman's place was in the home, raising kids. Who never felt free to ask if that was really what she wanted for her life. Who married young and had five kids (in how many years?) with a husband who worked 12 hour days.

Then, 15 years into the marriage, she starts exercising, losing weight, starts a business--every indication that she is exploring who she is and spreading her wings into new ventures.

The fact that you say you've been married for 20 years and had 15 good years (the good years apparently ending right when she started changing) indicates to me that you didn't like her changes.

So she's learning about herself and feeling good about herself and doing new things and starting a business, and her husband disapproves, but there's this guy at work, part of the exciting and fulfilling part of her life . . .

She likes you, but she wants more out of life, and she doesn't feel like you are supportive of that.

I don't know how accurate this story is. I leave that to you to consider.

But if it rings true, I don't think addressing "respect" is the place to start.

I think you need to think about the last 5 years and ask if you showed your wife that your marriage could be a place where she was free to grow and change.

Questioning what one wants out of life, longing for a return to an earlier stage of life so one can experience all the things one missed by marrying young--these are very, very normal for people leaving strict religions with clearly defined gender roles.

And just to be clear--I think the EA with the subordinate is wrong on so many levels. It would be more moral for her to have a one-night stand with a guy at a bar than to pursue a romantic relationship with the POM. I am not in any way condoning that, and I'd consider consulting a lawyer about whether it makes sense to separate finances in case she approaches him and gets hit with a lawsuit.

Just my two cents. Take them if they resonate in some corner of your mind. Ignore them if they don't.

[Jug]

I don't know how a friend could betray you quite to the same degree, but I dont want any friend that would do that to me.

[Gordie]

So she's learning about herself and feeling good about herself and doing new things and starting a business, and her husband disapproves, but there's this guy at work, part of the exciting and fulfilling part of her life . . .

She likes you, but she wants more out of life, and she doesn't feel like you are supportive of that.

I don't know how accurate this story is. I leave that to you to consider.

But if it rings true, I don't think addressing "respect" is the place to start.

I think you need to think about the last 5 years and ask if you showed your wife that your marriage could be a place where she was free to grow and change.

Questioning what one wants out of life, longing for a return to an earlier stage of life so one can experience all the things one missed by marrying young--these are very, very normal for people leaving strict religions with clearly defined gender roles..

Rose,

Thank you so much. Your post rings so true, I can't believe it. My W grew up in a very strict religious environment. I did not. I have made all of the wrongs you suggested. So my question from you and your perspective is: what should I do now? I feel you know what it would take to reach my w and I clearly do not. Please share more of your insight.

[Gordie]

How do I demonstate that she is safe to grow and change in our M and that she doesn't need D and OM? I think that is one of if not the key issue.

[ForGump]

Your wife probably felt that head-over-heels kind of feeling with her 22 year old employee, a wild infatuation that makes her heart flutter and head spin. Something she hasn't felt for a very long time. It made her feel alive and vibrant for the first time in a long time, which casts a dim shadow on all the years with you. It's a brain on drugs. It's a brain that feels a high, and wants to keep feeling high. And she feels that at age 42, she is still physically attractive and can be alluring to youthful men, but doesn't have much time left.

[Gordie]

ForGump,

Yes, you are correct. She has used many of those exact words. POM makes her feel alive, awakened. POM makes her feel things she didn't know she could feel anymore.

[Dawgs]

Re sex: I wasn't clear. In our relationship, I was almost always the one to initiate sex and there are some bad feelings about that. My experimental 180 was to find out if I stop all initiation and, lo and behold, she now initiates and it is much more mutually satisfying.

Don't read anything into her initiating sex...women want it for personal satisfaction just as much as men. What her reason is - it could be fantasizing, a way to keep you on the string, or maybe she's just horny. Who knows but don't read into it.

[Rose888]

How do I demonstate that she is safe to grow and change in our M and that she doesn't need D and OM? I think that is one of if not the key issue.

I only have time for a quick post, so apologies if this is disjointed.

First, I think you need someone IRL helping you through this. Someone who has more detailed knowledge than we will get on the board.

Is her change of religious beliefs causing tension in your marriage! Do you resent that she got in shape and started her business? You might need an IC to help you process any resentment or angst so that you can be supportive of her growth.

Keep doing the 180s and look for others.

Are you stuck in any ruts? Do you wear the same clothes, eat at the same restaurants, do the same entertainments? Try new things! When a spouse feels like you can't change, changing things unrelated to the main issue can contribute to the feeling of change and growth that they are seeking.

How is your appearance?

You mentioned that you don't initiate sex well. Could your sex life benefit from some new techniques?

I would not confront the issue with her directly. No one appreciated being told they don't really want what they want.

Instead, work on your issues that caused you to resent the changes she made 5 years ago, and foster a feeling of newness, change, and growth in yourself.

Hope some of this is helpful.

[Dawgs]

How do I demonstate that she is safe to grow and change in our M and that she doesn't need D and OM? I think that is one of if not the key issue.

You can't show her that she will be safe or whatever...and you can't tell her "look, I've done this and now you can be safe" or something to that affect, either. Never talk about your changes. The best way to show her is by working on yourself - becoming a stronger, safer person who, yes, loves her, but is not dependent on her. Show her the person you were when you were dating. Take care of yourself, because that is most important. And a confident, strong, and well-rounded person is much more attractive than a dependent one.