Cabin in the woods

[AndrewP]

Reading you as I have its obvious to me that you are used to being in control, and you currently find yourself in Limbo and you are struggling with it as we all have/do. In response you will do things to try to get a reaction from your MLCr ... facebook posts, SnapChat blocking, hinting to your kids that you might be dating ... this is all normal but will not really get you anywhere when done for reasons outside of yourself.

CaliGuy - Thanks for the visit and comments. As usual you are insightful.

The bolded bit is just something perhaps for further discussion or thought. It is both true and false. The rest is absolutely true. Some things gelled for me today as I went for my walk - about 7km at 0 celcius - very bracing in gorgeous sunshine. The way that I make decisions is to gather facts and then let them stew until they form themselves into an answer. As I am sure you have noticed writing long rambling posts here is also part of the process. None of my friends IRL have the patience for this sort of thing from me so I am grateful to you and the others for your patience with me. Perhaps this process is not as deliberate as some people but it works for me and I rarely regret decisions I make this way. Today's walk has perhaps given me some more insights to the point where I may be able to address your comments.

We'll ignore the bit where I accept that what you wrote and I bolded is true. Since BD1 on March 9th I've been expecting my W to leave and divorce me. I accepted that immediately even while struggling against it. She never said that she wanted a divorce though, just that she was leaving and several times she said that her leaving was temporary which I both believed and didn't believe. The fact that my W hung around the house for months and then moved out on her own all the while (presumably) carrying on her affair but never trying to bring anything at home to a conclusion was and is a source of confusion to me. Odd as it may sound, even though I hoped that she would come back home and reconcile I never really expected her to. Sometimes hope would surge and I would have a temporary expectation but that hope would get quickly crushed.

Since BD1 and accelerated after she moved out, I've been slowly purging W from my world. The slowness of this is yes in part calculated to catch her attention, it is also in part reluctance on my part to take those steps and lastly it is because I kept expecting her to be the initiator and not me. Those darned expectations again. As far as I can tell nothing that I have done has provided any W flavoured cheese down any tunnel. It has however provided me with some of my own cheese. All of the stuff she left behind even though she has said she wants it remains here. Even very simple things like moving digital files off of accounts that I control has not been done. I am indeed very confused by her indecisiveness about these simple things. I largely put it down to confusion on her own part along with fear. The fear I both understand and don't. I have never given her any cause to fear me but I do believe that she does perhaps because we both recognize that I do have a huge amount of power that could be wielded here. Taking this within the context of "believe nothing that they say and only half that they do" the consistency of her not doing anything to make a split from me permanent and to keep one foot and a hand in my home and my life stands out.

I settled down here to think and to try to see what Andrew 4.0 will be like. Presuming as I do that W will never come home it is my hope to at some point find someone new. As a courtesy and out of respect for my children I have let them know this - I don't want to be the Dad that suddenly shows up with some floozie on his arm - and after-all S22 has asked that any young floozies be sent his way The other recent actions are setups for possible future action such as filing for separation and making the separation public so that I can more openly move on with my life apart from her. For example today I have adjusted a couple of banking issues to protect myself as well as working to get W's name off of bills. Since she doesn't know about any of that it certainly won't get her attention until after the fact.

I wrote recently on ForGump's thread about problem solving and how one of the struggles that I have is having multiple end-points for my journey. I have no clue where my path will take me which is why I am taking slow, deliberate steps along it making sure that my options are covered and that I am true to myself. My most recent rambling posting is related to the fact that very soon I will have reached my personal Rubicon - the point of no return. If I start dating that greatly reduces the chance that W will be accepted back. If I file for separation I'll be out several thousands of dollars for a benefit to myself that I am unclear of along with the worry that W would not cooperate in the process.

So I am in perhaps in the process of moving out of the Cabin to sit in a nice cafe in Ravenna to drink some wine and think some more. Do I cross that river or do I order the pasta? I really don't know and until I do know, here I sit.

[AndrewP]

I thought that would bump me into the next page. Thank you CaliGuy for inspiring the next thread title.

Sitting in the cafe in Ravenna
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2723725&#Post2723725


I just have some time to get the ironing done before closing up the Cabin. Thank you to everyone who has come to call - feel free to join me over at the cafe. The wine is reputed to be quite fine.