Starting a new thread. My original is linked above(if I did it right).
W is well into the moving out process. We haven't set a concrete date but I would suspect by the end of the weekend she will be close to being out. Once she is moved I plan to go as dark as possible. Not sure what that looks like since we have 3 boys and a lot of sporting events but I will play it by ear.
We will spend Christmas morning together at my house and that is the last thing we have planned as a family. It is sad but I think I am ready to get on with this next part of my journey. Started doing some rearranging and decorating around "my" house last night. Bought a new couch and some pillows and put them in the living room.
W and I are friendly and cordial when we interact but I think it's mainly because she is relieved that she will be in her own place soon. She has been asking me about money for more gifts for the kids. I told her to just keep the receipts and I will give it to her. I let her know that after Christmas she will be on her own financially and we will split anything regarding the children. This is a reality that I'm not sure she has fully processed yet. She says we will see each other almost ever day. I'm not sure that is the best thing for me or is moving forward. I am not looking to be her buddy. I am only interested in being her H again.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
Your W is very clearly wayard. You would know if she had cold sores, (I have had them since I was a child, horrible crops of simplex) this isn't the same virus as genital herpes.
And if she is offering sex to you or has and has this virus that is unpleasant.
Please go get tested, truly I believe this is necessary for your health. I got tested, it is in one of my threads. Sleeping with your spouse knowing you have an STD is assault.
Go please and get this done. Chlamydia is the hidden nasty here along with HIV and syphilis.
Your WW is cake eating in a big way, I am undecided if an OM has been kicked to the kerb, but wayward is as wayward does. Some waywards just have another A partner in the wings. This unfolds in time.
My latest post on NC was on my thread recently with my strategy. And yes it is possible to do modified NC with kids. This means an online calender and only doing admin with BIFF responses.
Expect your WW to kick back with sweetness to hold you as a resource for funding her behaviour. I like that you have held on to the MR, this has a good advantage for dads who want joint custody of their kids. Personally letting her have stuff from the house is great as later she won't be able to say you were greedy. And it's only stuff, cleansing your space of WW is pretty essential in reducing triggers.
Reality will bite.
I read a little bit of 'nicing' your WW, it's fine as a move on strategy I think, however it lacks strength.
At some stage "WW I do not want friendship with you, I can and will co-parent (or parallel parent). You are my W and that is the R I want. Until you commit fully to our M then friendship is out.'
Friendly neighbour and BIFF instead.
I am concerned that you have explored codependency issues. There are several resources oft mentioned on codependency. I will not mention them except to say it is a distict possibility that this may apply. Please consider reviewing if you are a 'nice' guy, and as a 'nice' lady myself I can say that nice does not mean nice. It means lack of boundaries.
A favourite of mine is Al Turtle on boundaries, he writest for teenagers and has wonderful metaphors. I would like you to have clarity on boundaries and your objectives as it seems more like go with the flow.
Billy I have very little anger too, your WW misled you, the IC and MC for quite a while, this is duplicity and smoke and mirrors. Takes quite a deliberate effort to do that. This is a WW who thinks her H is maleable, I sense so.
I see no moment on the Kubler Ross curve, I read a WH in denial not acceptance. Those are my thoughts.
MrBond pointed out to you that you did that which you thought was better husband activity. Those were likely your ideas not a joint idea. If you read DB and DR you will read this is typical for a WAW, however in your sitch I think your W has gone WW not WAW.
Nicing won't cut it in your sitch I think. If gifts are needed for the kids ask WW what they are and buy them yourself is my thinking.
These are my thoughts Billy.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
How was it decided that you would stay in the MR and your w move out? My w wants me to move out as she is the primary caregiver to our kids.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie It was decided she would leave because when she decided we should separate I told her I wouldn't leave the MR. Even before that when she wanted separate beds I told her I wouldn't leave the MBR. Also she couldn't afford to keep our house on her own with her salary.
V Thanks for checking in. I believe you are probably right about me being in denial. I have accepted the fact that my wife may be WW. The fact is WAW or WW she's still moving out. Once she is out I assume I should take a similar approach either way. I will follow Sandis rules and work on me. I am very aware that I am a "nice guy". I am in the process of reading No More Mr Nice Guy. I have noticed that the times that I feel her coming toward me is when I pull away and am not so accommodating.
Please keep up with my sitch. I value your opinion. You are an amazingly strong and knowledgable ladie.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
Lots of GALing this weekend so far. Went out last night to do some shopping. Bought some new clothes and a few things for around the house. Had a relaxing soak in thenhot tub when I got home then slept like a baby.
Today I was up early. Did a little reading and made a nice breakfast for the boys and me. After breakfast we went to S10 basketball game. After the game the boys, W and I went to get a Christmas tree. We then took my W mattress to her place. We are getting very close to her being moved out. I then coached S7 basketball practice. W had a Christmas party for work tonight. I was home with the 3 boys. I spent most of the night putting up the tree and decorating it and the house. Now that we are getting closer to W moving and taking what she is taking I am getting a better vision of what my style is going to be for my house.
The funny thing is that W was around for most of the weekend but I hardly noticed. We were friendly but I really didn't feel like I cared if she was there or not. In the past I would have been worried about what she was out doing while I'm sitting at home. Tonight I could care less. I wonder if I'm becoming detached or if I am losing my love for her. In a strange way I am excited about the opportunity she has given me. This independence is something I haven't had for over 20 yrs. i wonder if I like it if I will become a WS. Will I even wart her back if she wants to R? I just don't know but I am in a pretty good place even though she is a,most gone.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
Yes V, I meant WAH. Being totally honest I know I'm not there yet but I fear that the longer this goes the more likely it becomes. I want to believe there is a chance at R but that is something I can't even envision right now. I am just ready for some space and time without seeing her everyday. It's a constant reminder that she gave up on us and our family.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
Others with more a prosaic turn refer to the lighthouse and that is a strategy.
Standing like a lighthouse with the lights on and the beacon showing the road home. Others have picnics in front of the lighthouse as an enticement.
It's a great image and holds for some.
I stood as the lighthouse whilst WH used a wrecking ball on the walls and then took a large boat out to sea to a foreign land!
Whatever works for each one of us.
But standing is good, means I can dodge bullets like in the Matrix film. I loved as was WH, then I walked, then I stood and DB. Until finally WH went so wayward he ran away when I called it. In the end I didn't need to walk. Yes, I was a walkaway wife but not wayward. That's all part of the process. I did that which I needed to do.
You and I have no control over the waywards in out lives, all we have is control over us. So we stand for ourselves and for the M in the hope of a new M.
Our behaviour, our GAL, our reactions and how well we do impacts us and any children for the rest of our lives.
Some stand for years for a new R becoming the best they can be and it is always, always the LBS that says the end.
Every LBS I know of personally has been the better for sticking at DB and working their sitch if they work their sitch.
At the end the wayward often stays empty inside and having to rebuild at some stage, in the worst state of their lives. There are some very sad stories of waywards, who lose their homes, children, spouses, money, have addictions temper tantrums and losses of every kind. The beauty of a board like this is past posters coming back to talk of their lives and success, moving on. Some with new R and others without. There is even a part of the board where batteries can recharge.
Others sit in midlife crises with crazy loco sitches but still stand for their M.
Others like V with serious abuse sitches need help to stand for themselves, learn to set boundaries and grow into the peeps they were intended to be.
So my thoughts are to concentrate on you, the stability for your children and clearly you are the more stable parent for those wonderful little gifts of life.
You speak so warmly and lovingly of your children.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Saturday night W ended up staying the night at her girlfriends house after the Christmas party. I got a tm from the friend at 12:30 saying W was too "tired" to drive home. The friend lives 5 minutes away. The next morning I was up early again and did a little cleaning and laundry. Got a fm from the friend saying W forgot her phone at the party and would be home after she picked it up. I made breakfast for the boys gave S4 a bath and got everybody ready for church.
Went to church with the boys. I am very good at holding it together lately but being at church without W really gets to me. A song hit me just right and the tears started to well up in my eyes. My 2 oldest boys were in Sunday school class and S4 was asleep in my arms. One of my friends can over and put his arm around me for support. I am so lucky to have a lot of people supporting me (including W whole family) through this.
When we arrived home W was there and wanted to be chatty with me. I was short with my answers because I just didn't feel like faking the whole everything is cool thing. She asked if I was ok and if we needed to talk about anything. I said no I am fine. I watched football with the boys and she kind of hung around while we watched. Later a couple of our friends came to help her move some things. I am glad they did because I just wasn't in a state of mind that I wanted to help.
W came home later and we sat down and played some board games with the boys. I am glad to say that since we told the boys she is leaving W has been very good with the boys. She has always been a great mom but over the last 7 months has been in and out as far as giving them attention. I hope she continues to be so good with them. If nothing else at least the boys will be getting the attention they deserve.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
