Sorry you are here. My XW made many similar statements as your W had made in the texts. Stay calm and focused on you and your kids. Do not let your emotions get the best of you as they may play a negative role instead of a positive one. Cake eating is ok as long as you can live with it. If you cannot, set your boundaries.
Like you I have 5 kids, it's a lot to handle. I am curious to hear the answer to Rose's question. I am sure that would be a very difficult and heavy conversation to have with your W.
I have my thoughts and opinion on it which I will hold for later.
Just know there are many good people here to support you in your efforts to save you and/or your M.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Your W has all the irrational feelings and expressions of a wayward wife. You will not be able to reason with the type of mindset she has currently. You expressing words of logic is a waste of time and energy. You will need to approach this situation in a different way.
Quote:
I love you; we are soul mates; we will always be connected
This is the twisted mindset of a wayward wife, and she takes for granted that you are happy to be fed whatever crumbs she throws your way.
The first thing you need to do is start behaving like a man who will not even consider her left-overs. You will not hang around and wait for her while she has an affair with another man. She should not believe you are the type who would happily take whatever she offered you while having a third person in the marriage. Unless you are fine with an open M, my advice to put forth a message that tells her that lifestyle doesn't work for you. You put forth that message by your actions and behavior. No preaching or relationship talks, b/c it does not work.
Quote:
We have to get divorced for our relationship to grow
The minute she catered to her feelings for OM, she pretty much killed the MR. So, she needs the message that as long as there is a third party, there is no relationship with you, period. No type of relationship.
Quote:
I love you and want to continue dating you and having sex after we get divorced
If it something you can control, (like whether or not you will date her after divorce), learn to say, "That's not going to happen".
Quote:
I can't pursue a PA with the OM while I am still married to you. I am willing to risk everything in order to pursue the OM even if it doesn't work out or will live the rest of my life with regret and what ifs
Then she has already made her choice. Now, she should experience the consequences that come from extramarital affairs and divorce. What she doesn't get to experience is having you and the OM. She should not experience all the benefits of your MR, without the fedelity that goes with it. The WW wants the best of both worlds. They have to see it doesn't work that way.
Quote:
The kids will be happier if I am happier
That is your WW trying to convince you everything will be honky-dory for everybody. Just one big happy family......with the addition of OM, of course. She will justify her selfish actions all the time.
Quote:
I want you to move out but want you to spend time the same amount of time with me and the kids every day (eat dinner with us, put the kids to bed, etc.)
No, b/c that's ^^^^ called marriage and family. She doesn't get it along with getting a life with OM. And besides, she is extremely arrogant to presume you will be the one moving out. Don't you think? Do not leave the marital bedroom, or your home. You are not the unfaithful spouse, and should remain in the bedroom and the home that represents your position.
Quote:
I like the changes you have made, but it's too little, too late This isn't about you; this is about me
Oh brother, did she say a mouthful. In her mind, everything is about her. Her selfishiness motivates her every action. Some way or somehow, she looks to see how much she benefits in every action.
By now, you may think I am pro-divorce. On the contrary, I am just not pro-wayward wives. This situation calls for a H who has a lot of inner strength. It is good you have spiritual beliefs, standards and value. Your W has compromised everything she stood for, to pursue this adulterous affair with another man. It is not true love, but she won't believe it right now. Her head is full of complete fantasy. Until the fantasy crumbles, your W will not let go of her selfish desires.
There is so much I want to tell you, but I can't do it one post. I tried to use the quotes above to show you a tiny glimpse of the twisted thinking of a WW. What she says is not true. In fact, she will not speak truth, so do not accept it as such. Just b/c she has said it, does not make it fact.
You are the man of your house. You are the leader, protector, and provider. Your children will watch daddy during this terrible ordeal......and they will learn how a man deals with a WW. Be sure you do not compromise your integrity to accommodate your WW. Conduct yourself with honor, and stand firmly on your principles.
Your M can be saved, in spite of this horrible behavior by your W. I seriously doubt it will happen swiftly, b/c I think you will be like most H's who come here seeking a one time wonder that fixes what it is broken......but are too afraid to do anything different from your usual interactions with the W. You will have to get to the place where you are willing to do the really tough stuff. The M that faces the ugliness of adultery can have a successful outcome, but it is not an easy road, especially if you tend to be an easy-going soft-hearted guy.
You will find lots of support on the board. I hope you will post every chance you get. Tell us about yourself and more about the marital history. Anything that stands out in previous times?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for your advice. I am a nice, soft hearted guy so the tough love will be very hard for me. Whenever I bring up the tough realities, she rages. I am having another coaching session tomorrow. Last week, my coach thought it was too early for the tough stuff and the LRT, but that we should keep fostering the dialogue and connection.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Whenever I bring up the tough realities, she rages. I am having another coaching session tomorrow.
She does that because she knows you will back down, am I right?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Yes. I told the coach about the OM and the admitted EA and asking for a divorce.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Yes, when she rages I back down from the argument. I'm not a yeller. I de escalate, validate her feelings, acknowledge actual wrongdoing on my part when warranted, or walk away. However, I haven't actually done anything she has asked me to do re the divorce: move out, prepare the finances, etc. This has frustrated her, but I have told her if she wants a divorce, then she has to do the work and that I'm not moving out until it actually happens. We still sleep in the the same bed and have marital relations. I know that sounds weird, but on a day to day basis, we are still friendly, we help one another, and talk/text frequently, usually about the kids or business (though we don't talk about R, M, D or OM unless she brings them up).
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Does it matter that this is a one sided EA right now? The OM is twenty years younger and has been dating the same girl for three years. My W has not yet shared her intentions with the OM. She thinks the feelings are reciprocal, but she honestly doesn't know. She feels she can't openly approach the OM while she is still married. Or that's what she has told me. OM works for her so they spend time together every day.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
A relationship between them would get her fired at every company I've worked for.
Not to mention opening her up for a sexual harassment lawsuit.
People do crazy things.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I just want to be clear on something first. She met OM, who is now 22, in 2012, so she was 18 when she met him?
OM doesn't even know. he probably thinks he is befriending an older woman/mother figure type and might be pretty freaked out when he finds out she has feelings for him and wants to pursue a physical R with him. I have a feeling he will no longer be an employee.
But she certainly has things she needs to work out. This reads serious MLC all over it.
