I have a feeling this is going to shoot your expectations up, you are in a really sensitive place now, and this might make you sad.
Someone I know who is a WAW really wanted to decorate a tree at her STBX's new place because she felt bad and wanted him to have nice things. He declined. It was too tough for him, I believe.
I think your S19 is onto something....... starting a new tradition might be healthy for you. You can be in charge of decorating a tree the way you and your kids would want. I honestly think with your level of attachment (which is soooo incredibly normal) it's just going to be harder. I've been there, done that.
I will say X3 .... Ginger took the words out of my mouth
SBJ ... what would happen if you followed your sons statement and actually went out and got 'that manly' tree?
Here is the thing, Holidays are brutal.... but her coming over to decorate the old tree is a cake eat fest, you are spinning...she is spinning... she comes over and does the traditional thing, everyone gets their feelz topped off and then after you will feel like the rug is pulled out from under you as its all a facade.
With the current sitch, maybe new traditions should be made. Lets say you and kiddo go out and get a manly tree, bring it home and decorate the thing without her. FOR YOU ... this sends a clear signal you are not waiting around for her... not just to her, but also to your kids, this is you taking control of YOUR holidays.
I totally understand...she said that in front of my daughter and my daughter told her that that sounds great. I am going with my daughter to pick out a few new things for the tree this week, and we will start the process alone.
I agree that it would send a signal to her and the kids that the kids and I will be OK either way she goes. I know that I am still spinning, but my expectations are slowing down. It is hard to see her, but it is getting easier to see her leave. I don't like that it is, but I know that that is where I need to be.
I am planning on hunting this week and trying to get some time in the whitetail woods with some quiet time. I hope all is well with everyone and thank you for your input.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Talking to her about finances is like talking to a 5 year old. It is crazy because she has always done our bill paying, but I guess she has slipped off of the deep end. She honestly doesn't realize how having 2 households for the time being is going to affect every part of our lives. Not to mention how divorce will as far as $$$ is concerned either.
I think my 10 yo has a better grasp of money at this point.
Is it that they really revert back to a time when they were footloose and fancy free or care free or what? She has always been the typical blonde in the room, but it seems like she is just out in left field right now. I am totally stumped. I just want to make sure I stay one step ahead of the $$$. We have separate accounts as well as one joint account that co-bills get paid from...challenging. Any advice would be welcome.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Welcome to the world of MLC and depression! Yes, they do tend to get a bit foggy when it comes to finances and I hate to say this, but you can't rationalize w/them. She's in a fog and thinks that "dad" (you) are going to take care of everything for her.
The best advice I can give you is to make sure you keep an eye on your finances. She's sweet 16 all over again and doesn't care how things are paid and thinks that even after a divorce everything will remain the same....she has absolutely no clue.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That is what I tried to rationalize with her at the beginning of all of this...now I know that was the wrong thing to do, but she said that logistics were no reason to stay together. Again, not realizing I was doing wrong, I followed with no, but 25 years of a loving and caring relationship is...it obviously had the wrong effect.
I'm learning more daily of the struggle. It is definitely not pretty. I am amazed that so many ppl stand for such a long time. I also feel blessed by the number of ppl that share on this board so we can all learn and grow.
I truly love her and I really believe that "we" are worth it. I promise to try my hardest for as long as I can.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I truly love her and I really believe that "we" are worth it. I promise to try my hardest for as long as I can.
Therein lies your problem. Trying your hardest just won't cut it. You have to find you again. You are trying too hard to chameleon yourself into something you think she might like. Quit it. You are the priority now and unit you get this simple yet hard to grasp fact, you will be stuck. You have to dechameleonify yourself, strip all the layers of you you applied over yourself over the years and get to the base. You have lo learn to love the most important person in your life, YOU! You have to be comfortable living by yourself and not pine over your W and losing yourself in a futile attempt trying to find that silver bullet.
Pull on that big boy pants and start growing a pair.
[quote=SBJ] You have to dechameleonify yourself, strip all the layers of you you applied over yourself over the years and get to the base. You have lo learn to love the most important person in your life, YOU! You have to be comfortable living by yourself and not pine over your W and losing yourself in a futile attempt trying to find that silver bullet.
Pull on that big boy pants and start growing a pair.
Stay strong buddy...
Is dechameleonify even a word...haha!
I am doing better every day with being happy for myself and by myself, but am I suppose to not love her anymore? Am I suppose to not think about her at all?
I agree that I (and my 3 kids) are the most important people in my world, but I can't shut off a love that I have had for her for 25 years. Now, I can make myself finally realize that I do not "NEED" her to make myself happy and complete.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
I am doing better every day with being happy for myself and by myself, but am I suppose to not love her anymore? Am I suppose to not think about her at all?
I agree that I (and my 3 kids) are the most important people in my world, but I can't shut off a love that I have had for her for 25 years. Now, I can make myself finally realize that I do not "NEED" her to make myself happy and complete.
Keep in mind ... Jack said this .. "most will tell you what you should do but have done exactly as you are doing."
Here is a helpful tip .. you are going to think about her, you are still fueled with all the good in the M, when you catch yourself spinning and doing that look at the clock on your phone, give yourself 10 minutes to do just that .. then drop it and move on, think about something else. Over time this will start to become less and less and you are on your way to detaching.
No one says stop loving .. just love from afar.
I have argued as much as the MLCr rewrites history and holds onto all the bad things in the M, the LBS often does the same with all the good ... there is a common ground there right>?
I am doing better every day with being happy for myself and by myself, but am I suppose to not love her anymore? Am I suppose to not think about her at all?
I cant believe you have not heart dechameleonify before
Ah yes, the love conundrum... The best way of thinking of it, is to shelve your love. Yes, just put it in a box and stick it on a shelf for the time being. At this point in time, your "love" will just hinder your progress. You, my friend, are a fixer, always have. But now is the time you have to just let your W be. Be what she wants, where she wants. If she wants to be a purple unicorn in Narnia, you have to let her. You can't control her. And also the best way for her to miss you is to see you doing just great without her, and not being like a sad puppy every time she sees you.
