WAW - Typical Script?

[Covert]

This morning W came over at 6:30 a.m. to help with the kids. Typically I cook breakfast every day for everyone. I still cook, but I don't make a plate for the W any more. I handle the kids. She talked about work, which i did active listening and let her do most of the talking. I left the conversation after it seemed to end and went to another part of the house. She later come in to tell me the kids were ready and she was leaving. I told W "ok, sounds good".

I am at the house today with the music going on the stereo. It's actually not too bad. Tonight I'm going to try and get out and watch football. W will be here with kids until i come home. I did the same last Monday....she stayed with kids.

[J5K]

Covert,

I am sorry you are here. As you said, regardless of what you say with separation (date or not) they will do what they want. Your actions will either set you free or draw her near.

I commend you on not acting on emotions. Unfortunately some on this board may not have had as much control of their emotions as you have had.

Keep up the good work! You will get lots of support here and this is a great forum to vent, no matter how insane the situation may become.

[Dawgs]

Your actions will either set you free or draw her near.

Very, very true, sir. It's a fine line that one must tread. A word of caution, what works for some doesn't work for others, and there are so many variables in play. Mine, for example, was pushed further and further away to the point of no return by me practicing the ideas on here. I know that some are saying how, but my ex's mindset must be factored in.

I did what the boards suggests and also what it didn't. Mine stated that me doing a lot things suggested on here just drove her away because it showed lack of caring/feeling. I know, odd right? But it is what it is. Only you know your spouse well enough to know what works.

Unfortunately some on this board may not have had as much control of their emotions as you have had.

Raises hand...

[sandi2]

The kids will be spending the night at her apartment when it is her scheduled time, right?
Currently, she seems to be doing a lot of cake eating. After Christmas you may tweak a few things. For now, I'm sure you are trying to keep things as calm as you possibly can for the kids.

[Covert]

Thank you all for the support and comments.

Jeep74 - That has been my main question and one that I see often, but it seems you have to tweak some of the rules to fit the situation. The rules are the body of the Honda Accord. You still need to put your own paint, tires, motor on it. In my situation, 'acting as if', 180, GAL, and detaching will be used. I'm realizing the old marriage is gone. The only way to 'get her back' is starting a new MR, but honestly I have a lot to work on before that time comes. I've been in IC since August. Most times we discuss how MR is going, but i advised i'd like to focus on detachment, GAL, 180 (I did not use these terms), and my controlling behavior around parenting and finances. My C is great. He is a christian counselor that does not dig into the past to fix issues, more of solution based.

Sandi2 - Yes, cake eating is a worry and was what brought on the guidelines as part of the separation because originally I had kids 90% of the time. I come up with these. This includes 50/50 with kids, helping out with pets, dating allowed (kids will not be exposed to any 3rd party), following our budget, etc. I think she was surprised that I come up with these and put my foot down, but she agreed to them. I have to make the situation more like a real D if that is what she wants to experience during this S.

Right now, she will stay @ the house to help put kids to bed. If I need GAL time after that, she stays here while kids are asleep. When i get home, she leaves. She helps with basic 'chores' around the house and obviously with the kids. Do you have any input or cake eating concerns?

[Covert]

Sandi2 - Yes, the kids will be at her APT when we begin this schedule.

[coffee_]

You have to decide what you REALLY want to know.
I confronted on my gut feeling and some emails that I discovered a year earlier. It just made a mess of things and definatly drove her relationship with the OM deeper.
I wish I would have and could have done things differently, the outcome could have been way different.

[Covert]

coffee_,

I'm not sure I need to know more at this point. She admitted to talking to him about our marriage and it was not a PA, but as we say believe none of what they say and 50% of what you see. Me wondering what someone else (even my W) is up to is not detaching for me. I suggested dating because it helps me detach better (for some reason) b/c at least i know, instead of guessing (which makes you insane). It also may get her to wake up and realize I have the same opportunity to move on, but who knows what is going on inside W's head. If there is an EA, I don't think there is anything I can do but detach. I will not be some safety net though, that I can say.

The only concern of course, is that it doesn't work and we continue the S and eventually D. All i can do is build my life. If she comes back, i'm willing to continue to work on MR.....if not, I have a new life ready. I can already tell a difference in my esteem and confidence, which i did not realize I had lost so much of.

[Chris73]

Unfortunately some on this board may not have had as much control of their emotions as you have had.

Raises hand...

Raising mine too.

I've been trying to DB since the beginning of November, so really only about 5 weeks. But man it seems like a year has gone by. It's hard work. And some days I just say f*ck it and try to put it aside. My W and I had many really good years in our relationship and we have always been good friends. Are kids are smart, kind, and well adjusted. I have a lot of respect for her as a woman and a mom. Which is why it makes all of this so difficult. I love my W more than anything and I want to rebuild our marriage. But after doing every wrong thing in the book when she dropped the A-bomb, I now realize rebuilding myself is all I have control over.

Keep posting and stay strong. And I think most importantly give yourself a break.

[Dawgs]

I'm not sure I need to know more at this point. She admitted to talking to him about our marriage and it was not a PA, but as we say believe none of what they say and 50% of what you see. Me wondering what someone else (even my W) is up to is not detaching for me. I suggested dating because it helps me detach better (for some reason) b/c at least i know, instead of guessing (which makes you insane). It also may get her to wake up and realize I have the same opportunity to move on, but who knows what is going on inside W's head. If there is an EA, I don't think there is anything I can do but detach. I will not be some safety net though, that I can say

In our cases, its believing none of what they say, honestly. Sure, mine did the same thing at the beginning - said that she was only talking to the OM about our marriage. And I believed it, too. Until it was broken wide open and I found out that she had been screwing him for quite some time.

It's human nature to wonder - I'm not really sure if we can't ever stop wondering about someone who was such an integral part of our lives. You are on the right track. Making it all about you is what's best for YOU...but it will also be one of the hardest things you have ever done in your life.