WAS or what 9

[roist]

Sotto,

Thanks for reading and replying. You made a great point and one that I wholeheartedly agree with. Early on I fell apart like everyone else who comes here because I felt I had no choice and I needed myW/M. Once I realised I didn't need either it helped. From then I was here by MY choice. Hence any subsequent turmoil was due to ME choosing to be here.

Your words are filled with wisdom and understanding.Don't put yourself down. I remember when I first came here you and pink were a great support to many newcomers. I am glad you stay around.

[Gordie]

One final note. Earlier this year I prepared a dozen or so thank you cards to express my gratitude to various people in my life.

Roist, you inspired me to send thank you notes to the people who have been so helpful to me IRL these past few months.

[roist]

It is nice to know I brought some positivity into your life. I am sure your cards brought pleasure to those who received them. There is only positivity in appreciation and gratitude. Thank you for sharing that.

[roist]

Just a short note to wish ye all a happy Saint Patrick's Day. It is one of the few if not the only national holiday to be celebrated worldwide. That is amazing considering the size of Ireland.

Even if it has no significance or meaning for you, I wish you a great weekend where I hope you can celebrate something about life.

Best wishes

[roist]

Thanks job for your reply on hawho's thread. I googled and read briefly but have copied your reply here to remind me to finish reading it later.


Jim Conway has abook out there on his MLC, as well as his wife wrote a book about his MLC. You may want to read those two books. However, we use to have a poster named HeartsBlessing who took the stages described by Jim Conway and expanded them when her hwent thru his crisis. However, w/both of them, you can't set your watch by the timelines because each and every person going thru crisis will either take longer or shorter time, but the stages give you an idea of what might happen. They are just a guideline, i.e., very similar to grieving. HeartsBlessing no longer posts here and you may want to google her name and locate her that way because we aren't allowed to share other sites on here. Also, you can change your posting timeline at the bottom left hand corner at the Display Options. Change it to all and do a search of her name that way. Ican't guarantee that all of her postings are still here, but it's worth a try. Maybe HaWho will share what she has since we have gone thru several purges and a lot of excellent datahas been lost forever.

[Gordie]

Thanks job for your reply on hawho's thread. I googled and read briefly but have copied your reply here to remind me to finish reading it later.


Jim Conway has abook out there on his MLC, as well as his wife wrote a book about his MLC. You may want to read those two books. However, we use to have a poster named HeartsBlessing who took the stages described by Jim Conway and expanded them when her hwent thru his crisis. However, w/both of them, you can't set your watch by the timelines because each and every person going thru crisis will either take longer or shorter time, but the stages give you an idea of what might happen. They are just a guideline, i.e., very similar to grieving. HeartsBlessing no longer posts here and you may want to google her name and locate her that way because we aren't allowed to share other sites on here. Also, you can change your posting timeline at the bottom left hand corner at the Display Options. Change it to all and do a search of her name that way. Ican't guarantee that all of her postings are still here, but it's worth a try. Maybe HaWho will share what she has since we have gone thru several purges and a lot of excellent datahas been lost forever.

I read the Jim Conway book as well as HB's postings. Both were very eye opening and I highly recommend them.

[roist]

Thanks Gordie. I am glad they helped you. In the past I have delved into such topics and it does help when we understand better. The HB site I hadn't read before.

I am not even sure that my W is in mlc. It could just be depression or just a WAW that hasn't walked. Or all 3! From time to time I read bits and pieces on mlc to understand her plight (and inadvertently mine), but at the moment I am concentrating mostly on my action plan moving forward. Slowly but surely that is becoming clearer and taking form. But if you or others have other resources that helped, I am always interested in good knowledge.

Best wishes

[roist]

Quick update.

Things are pretty much as they have been for a while now, so no big update to report.

I am on this forum almost two years and decided to save my M six months before that. Many could say if it hasn't changed by now it won't. Even if that is so, my time has not been wasted IMO. But I still believe in the potential of a new R with W. Having W stay is not enough for me. Eventually I may have to decide enough is enough, but that is not today. TBH I rarely think about that these days.

Anyway. Faced with my situation continuing as is, I believe it is time for a new approach or rather a revamped version of my approach. I will still balance all the aspects of my situation and follow DB principles but I have three pronged approach to revamping things. Before outlining these this thinking came about with me not being happy with my situation. I cannot change that so I need to change.

The three principles of my latest change are:

1 Daily rituals. I am going to put in place simple short daily rituals to improve certain aspects of my life, principally breathing exercises,affirmations, gratitude... .. I am going to commit to doing these daily.

2 Goals/actions. This in itself is not new to me, but it is time to go bigger. I will start noting down all things little and small that I may like to do someday. I want to make this a habit. These will just be random thoughts. I will review this list often and pick stuff to do and create a bucket list of things I want to do before I die. This will be eventually printed and used to set aims/goals going forward. Based on these two lists I will generate a top ten list in order of importance and I will work towards achieving them.

I have listened to a lot about the law of attraction, about mindset , about positivity and taking inspired actions. This will be my version. In summary I will become clearer on what I want and make it happen.

3. Embrassing fully who I want to be. For various reasons which differed as I progressed on this journey I have limited myselfby placing self imposed barriers. I couldn't do X until this is achieved. I couldn't do Y until that ended. Sometimes this is inevitable and normal. But where it isn't I aim to remove those barriers one by one.

This includes with W. Regardless of where we are at or how she treats me, I can treat her the way I want. I have often said stuff like, when things are better I will be like Z. Or if things get worse I can do W. Now is time to test the theory of if I change the R will too. That is not the main objective of this, but an attractive benefit. I mainly want to be ME and act as I would in a normal R. This I will ease into and will keep in mind everything I have learned here over the last two years.

I have been dwelling on this for a good while now as I have a barrier blocking me. I am not sure how much is self inflicted but some of it is. Poor interactions with W stop me wanting to try, I just lose motivation.To help me get passed this I have firstly simply decided to do so, am writing here for accountability and I want to try a 100% no negativity approach for 3 weeks. For 21 days I will not say anything negative or critical to or about W ( or: n general). This includes passive aggressive behaviour and negative tones/looks etc. Ideally should include thoughts,but I will be lineant on myself with that. The catch is that if I exhibit negativity I restart my 21 day count. I don't believe that 21 is important but it is a tool to help eliminate negativity and at least improve awareness and hence control of it.

This is a very global view of my thinking going forward. Time to expand again. Wish me luck.

I like coming here and helping others or at least giving them my viewpoint, but going forward I may reduce my time on this forum. This project is ambitious and I may decide to focus on that. I will be around for a while to come but maybe not as much. Time will yell.

Ha who. I hope my update lived up to the "coming soon" announcement.Haha.

[SBJ]

Roist, good luck in your change of strategy. You are a great help and a true inspiration to those of us that want to stand for our marriages and feel that our W's are worth standing for.

Just remember what you have always said...
"First SURVIVE it, then LIVE through it and ultimately THRIVE." - Roist

[Gordie]

Roist--as always, you are inspiring and encouraging. Best wishes in your new approach...even if that means more time away from here. I love this detachment, strength and independence:

"Regardless of where we are at or how she treats me, I can treat her the way I want."