Slowly losing my wife

[MoveFrwd]

Now we're getting somwhere

she did say to me one time about a month ago that I think she is not good enough. I assured her that I never thought that. it's not re-occurring though.

Why would she bring this up again? She said that she had a feeling of something, and your response was to shut it down. Instead of looking at how she might feel that way, your response was to basically say that she was wrong. You dont think that by commandeering all of the responsibilities of the household, it can make someone feel useless or inferior?

she has also said that I am controlling her when I talk about our relation ship. this is not completely unfair as I am a fairly persuasive guy.

Similar comments as above. She comes to you to discuss something, and your approach is to convince her that she isnt correct. Its not about being 'persuasive' - maybe you should read up on validation and try practicing that type of communication.

she also told me that our wedding ring was a "slave" ring when I asked her to wear it again back in September. so I let it go and stopped wearing mine to show that there was no slavery.

Why did you take your ring off? Because she did? To convince her of something? Im guessing that didnt work. In my mind, my ring was a personal commitment to my ex. I took it off when I was finished with the marriage. I dont think playing games with that is a great idea.

she spends her home time making art. she is pretty productive but does not make much money. she is serious about it and trying to make money though. it is high quality stuff and generally well received when people see it.

So you go to work while shes working on her art? Then why is it your responsibility to come home and do all of the chores just because she was home all day?

I cannot live this way. I worry some every day even though I try to practice mindfulness and thankfulness. I am very sad. I am embarresed to admit this even on an anonymous forum but last week I looked at the "casual hookups" section of craigslist and fantasized about hooking up with some of the women who had posted there. My fantasy got a little to real and I felt I could actually see myself going though with this. I felt bad about that and have not looked again.

So if you cant live like this, why are you so reluctant to change?

[Lex23]

I will try to be more validating of any feeling that I hear from now forward.

I wore my ring for 6 months while she did not and that felt right but after she said it was a slave ring it no longer felt right. she has divorced me already in a way. It felt false to keep wearing it. I'm not playing games. I hope to wear it again but it is meaningless without her.

I guess I could stop cleaning. Pretty much have to keep making food though because W will not do it and I can't let kids be hungry.

So if you cant live like this, why are you so reluctant to change?

I'm very grateful for everyone's help. I'm sorry if I'm being thick here but what do I change aside from what I said above? I really don't know. I'm up for changing though. Spell it out for me. Apparently I'm hard headed.

[MoveFrwd]

So if you cant live like this, why are you so reluctant to change?

I'm very grateful for everyone's help. I'm sorry if I'm being thick here but what do I change aside from what I said above?

You said this a couple pages back:
it's not that I disagree but the wife seems to like this state of affairs as much as I do. she has told me she likes to be together as often as possible over the years. If not for the coldness at night you would not even know anything was wrong at my house. we are still doing our daily routine together. neither I or my wife has expressed any interest in doing things apart

This makes me think you are planning to keep the status quo. If you actually want to change, my advice is to follow Sandi's rules. My advice is to read Divorce Remedy and follow the process as it's described. Im not trying to be coy, but thats the best place to start. Follow the buzzwords --> detach, GAL, 180, act as if....

[sandi2]

Are you saying that you were fine with how things were set up, until she called a halt to the intimacy? She could have no responsibilities and just do what she loved.....which was art, and you would cover everything.....just as long as you had the sex life. When the sex stopped, there wasn't much left in the MR for you, is that what you are feeling? You are doing all the giving, but she's not giving anything back. She's just doing her art.

I'm glad you spoke honestly about looking at certain sites and the women who post a profile. Do you have any experience in dating sites, finding friends, Fbuddies, affair hookups.... or whatever they may call themselves? Please, please don't go there. You may be seeking a temporary fix, but it can lead to problems you never anticipated.

[Lex23]

Are you saying that you were fine with how things were set up, until she called a halt to the intimacy? She could have no responsibilities and just do what she loved.....which was art, and you would cover everything.....just as long as you had the sex life. When the sex stopped, there wasn't much left in the MR for you, is that what you are feeling? You are doing all the giving, but she's not giving anything back. She's just doing her art.

I'm glad you spoke honestly about looking at certain sites and the women who post a profile. Do you have any experience in dating sites, finding friends, Fbuddies, affair hookups.... or whatever they may call themselves? Please, please don't go there. You may be seeking a temporary fix, but it can lead to problems you never anticipated.

Yes, I was perfectly happy to work hard. I felt loved when we had lots of sex. I did not care how much work I did. Cooking in particular feels sacred to me. Feeding people is a good thing.
Now I am still working hard but I am unloved. Perhaps hated even.

I will not go the hookup way. I was just sad and feeling powerless. I don't want that. I just want the wife back.

[Lex23]

So if you cant live like this, why are you so reluctant to change?

I'm very grateful for everyone's help. I'm sorry if I'm being thick here but what do I change aside from what I said above?

You said this a couple pages back:
it's not that I disagree but the wife seems to like this state of affairs as much as I do. she has told me she likes to be together as often as possible over the years. If not for the coldness at night you would not even know anything was wrong at my house. we are still doing our daily routine together. neither I or my wife has expressed any interest in doing things apart

This makes me think you are planning to keep the status quo. If you actually want to change, my advice is to follow Sandi's rules. My advice is to read Divorce Remedy and follow the process as it's described. Im not trying to be coy, but thats the best place to start. Follow the buzzwords --> detach, GAL, 180, act as if....

maybe I am foolish but I liked the status quo. We did it for 18 years so I felt like she must have liked it as well.

[Lex23]

is that what you are feeling? You are doing all the giving, but she's not giving anything back. She's just doing her art.

to be more clear

yes, she is doing the art for herself and she is doing much art for the celebrity that she is trying to flirt with. She is no longer giving anything back.

[MoveFrwd]

This makes me think you are planning to keep the status quo.

maybe I am foolish but I liked the status quo. We did it for 18 years so I felt like she must have liked it as well.

Thats not what I meant.

She told you all of these terrible things. Said she hates you, etc. And yet, you are coming home dutifully every night to participate in 'family time'. Now that shes turned away when it's just you two, you go off by yourself feeling frustrated and sad.

I advised you to start looking into really starting to GAL. These are your words:

I'm getting the feeling from reading these forums that maybe I don't have enough of an independent life. I never felt strange about this though. I like spending all my time with the family.

the wife seems to like this state of affairs as much as I do.

If not for the coldness at night you would not even know anything was wrong at my house. we are still doing our daily routine together. neither I or my wife has expressed any interest in doing things apart.

So if youre going to keep up with doing everything together and then going separate ways in the house at night, fine....but I dont think that will cause her to actually make any changes. For example, I think you need to have a discussion about household chores. I think you need to start actually GALing. And so on. Frankly, judging by what youre saying, it reads like you are allowing yourself to be a doormat; not someone that should who is respected and attractive.

[sandi2]

Okay, your primary love language is probably physical touch. As long as she was having sex with you every day, you were willing to accept the imbalance of responsibility. That may be why one simple hug from her felt so great for you. But the sex has completely shut down and without it, you feel unloved.......and it will start affecting your self esteem.

Physical touch may not be your W's love language, or she may not want it from you. Do you have any idea what her love language is? I think it more probable that one S has a different LL than the other S. Art may be what she loves doing, but that is not what she receives from you. Has she ever told you what she needed from you to feel loved?

I get the impression that you "worked hard" to be rewarded from her having sex with you almost every day of the M. You say you didn't mind, and that you wanted to take care of the needs of your family...........which is NGS script. I suggest you read nice guy syndrome, first. It is short and free download on the Internet. Then read about the five love languages.

I want to say this about you referring to your W's flirtation with the celebrity. The celebrity may or may not be interested in your W.........but your W is in an emotional affair with the celebrity. Don't dismiss the destructive power of an EA......or even an Imaginary Affair. That is when the OP is a fictional character on screen or in literature. It may sound all harmless nonsense to you.........but I grant you it can kill a MR.

I believe your W's infatuation became so strong that it killed her sexual desire for you. A normal woman will romantically desire only one man at a time. She may do everything with her H, but in her heart/mind.....she craves the OM. As long as her EA stays alive in her thoughts, it will affect her feelings. Your MR won't get on a healthy track as long she continues contacting the celebrity........and/or any other man from dating sites, etc.

Do you know if your W has her profile on any type of these sites, or has communicated with some of the members? A bored housewife who is not getting her LL and is unhappy in her MR, could be vulnerable to such sites. Just like you, she'll want to seek out something that makes her feel better. It quickly becomes an addiction! Than you have additional problems.

Sexual flirtation on line should never be seen as harmless.

You wanted to take some type of action, instead of just waiting to see how things go. Read what I previously suggested. Make sure you've read all Cadet's homework. Start thinking about what you want, deserve, and need in a MR. List the action/behavior that you will not tolerate in a relationship, in your home, from your children.....and from your spouse. Then write down what you will do if that action/behavior occurs.

If you don't know the principles, values, beliefs, etc. that you stand on...........then how will you know where to draw the line when it's dishonored? You won't. You will keep on accepting what is thrown on you and being disrespected. You will continue living a lonely and sad life.

Your W may issues that are connected with her past, IDK. Her parents were obviously not good models of a healthy MR. If she watched her mother do whatever and her father was passive and beaten down.......then she has to be taught and inspired by people who know how to have healthy relationships. It could come from interacting with other couples and families on a regular basis, and by reading relationship books (not trash), psychology, etc. She could get therapy for her inner demons. Both of you need to learn how to have balance in your lives, and stop being co-dependent. If you are passive and beaten down like her father......then her feelings for him could carry over to you.

You have to start changing YOU before you can really expect things to change for the better in your M. I think both of you need more involvement in life that requires interaction with others, instead of depending solely on each other. I may be wrong, but the two of you sound so isolated from others. (Especially you). Do you have couple friends? Do you attend church, belong to an organization, attend sporting events, art shows, school or community functions, concerts........anything for fun? I know you said you do everything together, but do you include others and interact with other families? Do your kids play with other children regularly? What type of work do you do?

I hope you won't settle. Don't settle for whatever is left. You should enjoy a full life that includes a variety of sources of enrichment. You have to reach out and get it. If you need help, reach out for it. That is what you did when you joined the board. It may not be coming as fast as you'd like......but it will come.

[Rose888]

I practice judo 2 times a week and work out 2 times a week. other than that I spend all my time on the wife and kids. I'm getting the feeling from reading these forums that maybe I don't have enough of an independent life. I never felt strange about this though. I like spending all my time with the family. years ago I had my own business and the wife worked with me and we were together almost 100% of the time. We did that for 3 years and I loved it. I've been thinking about it and I'm not even sure what I would do independently.

I can relate to a lot of this. H and I would have both said we loved spending all our time together.

What we discovered is that for me, as much as I love the emotional connection of being together all the time, when it comes to sexual desire, I need some distance. I need some uncertainty.

It can be tricky to introduce some of that sexual tension and distance in a committed relationship. There's a reason most love stories end when the couple gets together.

I also think it's a bad idea to say, "she must like it because we did it for 18 years." People change. If you want your relationship to thrive over the long run, you have to allow people to change.