Doing a temp check on the LBS is when the MLCer pops by or sends emails, texts, phone calls, etc. They do things to get a reaction out of us. If they come by the home, they are looking around to see if things are the same, remodeled and there are two places that they tend to check more frequently, i.e., the bedroom and the bathroom. Why? To see if someone has taken their place. They are also looking to see if we have changed in any way, i.e., happy, sad, the way we dress, hair style changes, lifestyle changes, etc.
They really don't realize that they are doing this...but they think that we should be right where they left us pre-crisis. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way and we do have to move forward and live our lives to the fullest, while the Rip Van Winkles of the MLC world live by a slower clock. No one remains the same...we all change during crisis.
Its funny. I was just speaking to my H's assistant a while ago and she told me how upset and sad H was that we sold the house; it really tore him to pieces. He had told me when he told me he'd filed that I could keep it and he would support me. I was alone in a 4500 square foot house on acreage in the country and my kids are grown and gone. My nearest neighbors couldn't even see the house from their places. I have a take home pay right now that barely paid the phone and electric each month, much less the mortgage. She and I had a laugh at that. He wasn't thinking at all...just wanted one of us to be in it (he said that at one point as we were moving). He also probably wanted to store all of his vehicles and be able to "fix" things. In other words, probably thought I'd just be there as I always had, preserved and unchanged and right where he left me. Talk about the ultimate temp check scenario...no way was I going to ramble around alone in that house so he could find excuses to "visit" or "fix" things and play caretaker. I have an apartment in town now and NC is a lot easier to maintain. If I need something fixed, I just call the manager.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Our trip to visit his family was pretty uneventful. We spent a lot of time with them which was enjoyable. He told me later that he felt an underlying tension and believed certain family members were treating him different. I didn’t think they were, but did not tell him that nor did I tell him that I believe it is just his guilty conscious. I just nodded and validated his feelings. This is difficult for me especially when I disagree with his perception. In the past, I would argue with him about why he felt this way, press him for specific reasons so I could poke holes in his reasoning. I’m letting go of my need to be right. In the big picture, what difference does it make?
His niece watched our little one while we went out for the evening. It was nice. We went to dinner and a movie. I was really surprised he was amenable to it, but I suspect he viewed it as a break from the family and a “reward” for me for agreeing to the family visit. I’m just speculating. Instead of looking at it how I want to look at it, I am really trying to have no expectations and not read too much into why he agreed to the night out. This is really hard work.
I believe I had an epiphany about something in our relationship. I have read that the issues we faced within our families while growing up shape our current relationships. Oftentimes, we try to heal the relationship issues we had growing up by recreating them as adults. I can’t say I really bought into it, but more and more, I am starting to change my mind. Growing up, my mother was physically and verbally abusive. My father did very little to stop it. In fact, after a particularly explosive incident where DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) was called, he later explained to me that if DCFS were to get involved again, I would be removed from the home, not my mother. I would be forced to go to a different school and I wouldn’t see my sister or any of my friends. I would probably live in a foster home with people I did not know. I was twelve years old. As an insecure and verbally and physically abused child, this terrified me. And he knew it. Instead of protecting me, instead of living up to his obligations as a parent, he tossed me aside. It was just easier to make my crazy mother “happy,” to go along with whatever she said, whether it made sense or not, than it was to challenge her. I never forgot this conversation. It remains indelibly printed on my brain, along with every detail of that conversation, including where we were, what I was doing, what I was looking at, feeling, and thinking.
I think I helped to recreate this dynamic in my marriage. I helped create an environment where my husband repeatedly tossed me aside and chose someone else over me. Or at least I married someone with such severe abandonment issues and fear of being left behind, he couldn’t ever take sides. Perhaps both are true.
A marriage counselor told us that one of the characteristics of a lasting marriage is that each partner feels like the other partner has their back. I have never felt this way with my husband. When there were conflicts with others, he always seemed to side with the other person or worse, he wouldn’t get involved when I felt like I needed him to intervene.
For example, he has a tempestuous older sister who I do not like. Whenever I am alone she often corners me and makes some kind of disparaging comment. She would make inflammatory remarks putting down my heritage, the fact that I was unable to conceive a child without help, and my physical appearance. It grew very tiresome. Every time I would mention it to my H, he would brush it off saying, “[w]ell, that’s just Amy [not her real name].” He never once came to my rescue. He never pulled her aside and told her to knock it off. He pushed it off onto me saying that he thought that since I am such a strong person who is not afraid of confrontation, that I would just handle it myself. And every time I would explain to him that it is an issue with HIS family member so he needs to address it. I have always known that if I addressed it, she would deny making the comments and I would be labeled as a trouble-maker. He never did anything about these rude and hurtful comments. Not once. Ever. (BTW, have I been unreasonable in expecting him to handle these issues with his sister? Feedback is appreciated and encouraged please.)
There are a several other examples of other incidents, while seemingly insignificant, were important to me. They remain memorable even though some of them happened over ten years ago. I never understood why they bothered me so much or why I was unable to forgot about them. Now I know. He never stood up for me. He never protected me. In my eyes, my H chose the other person over me, just like my father chose my mother over protecting me. And now, my H is choosing the OW over me.
So now what? What on earth do I do with all this? Should I tell him what I see? How do I process all of this? Can we have a successful relationship with this kind of baggage?
Thanksgiving went as well as can be expected. I cooked and we enjoyed the meal with our son.
His birthday was Wednesday. I gave him a card from our son, but I did not give him one. Nor did I give him a gift.
His mother did not call him on his birthday. I find that kind of odd. He said he didn't think anything of it because he just saw her. Hmmmm, is it me or is that odd she didn't call?
I have read and re read the advice that says not to believe anything they say and only half of what they do.
The reason that we say not to believe anything they say is because they are an emotional and depressive mess and what happens when people are emotional and depressive? Anything and everything comes out when they are angry. They threaten, they say that they are going to file and then don't. They lie like it's a profession for them, they promise things and then don't follow through and they will say things to make you think that you are off your rocker. Their life's filter is black and will say things about you and the relationship which you know is not true. You can't believe anything they say.
As for only half of what they do...they push, scream and push some more and some of them say that they want a divorce or they want you to leave them along w/no contact. Well, guess what...they drag their feet, they don't provide documents to their lawyers, they make excuses for not doing their share of the work for divorce, etc. They don't follow through on what they say that they are going to do for you and your children. Oh, yes, they may say that they are going to do something fun w/the kids and then they don't. They go to the MLCers place and the kids sit in front of the TV or on their ipads and phones while dad/mom is doing something else. In many cases, they just can't follow through on things.
Depression plays a huge role in what they say and/or do. If you haven't done so, read up on depression. Many of them say that they are going to do something and yet, they have absolutely no energy or desire to do it. Their memories become mush and they are forgetful of things in the here and now, but can remember things from the past. Again, depression plays into this.
Bottom line, their actions do not match up w/their words. Actions always speak louder than words.
Thank you for the response Job. I find it really helpful to understand the "whys" behind the advice. It helps me to remember what to do and why I should be doing it.
We had a little bit of a blow up today. I did some bad DB'ing and confronted him about a lunch date I know he had with OW. He got pissed. Of course. Then he said something I found interesting, he said he did not know anything I was doing in my life, but he believes I expect him to relay in "chapter and verse" everything he does. (Not true, but if he is going to "date," I need to know because that is my boundary, he can move out and date all he wants, but I won't live like that under the same roof). I did manage to maintain my composure enough not to not get sucked into an argument on whether I require him to recite his whereabouts "chapter and verse." He also said, at least twice, that he was fine with not knowing where I was or what I was doing. He said that it was okay with him. (If it is okay with him, then why bother bringing it up? Am I wrong?)
Nonetheless, I had just thought he wasn't interested in knowing what I was doing, where I was going, etc. I thought he didn't care so I didn't think to bother him with it.
I told him that I am grateful that he shared his feelings about this with me because this is information that I did not know before. As a result, I can making changes on my end. And so I am now texting him my goings on. OMG, it is so tiresome, but he seems to appreciate it. He has been sending text messages back expressing interest and asking questions. We'll see. And while I know I should have zero expectations, I will wait to see if he actually reciprocates. Because I won't make this degree of effort without some degree of validation at some point. I will not go down a cheeseless tunnel.
Another thing I was wondering about, was his bringing up what I do a way of forcing the focus off of him, because it certainly seemed to work. And was this projection on his part? Part of me thinks it was and I feel bamboozled for falling for it. He never told me who he had lunch with, so I think I will let it go. For now. Another part of me thinks that maybe we needed to have this kind of discussion and maybe if it changes the dynamic in this regard, it was a good thing. Time will tell.
On a positive note, he texted me this afternoon regarding a change in his dentist appointment. The new appointment time would be during our regular dinner time. I told him that I would like to have dinner together, but I realize he may not feel the same so the choice was his. He rescheduled the appointment for a non-dinner time.
I am starting to feel like he is emotionally stunted and just doesn't know how to communicate his emotions, wants, needs, and feelings. The only way he can do it is when he is angry, almost like it is forced out of him. Family and friends have told me they believe he is stunted, but I haven't really given those opinions much weight, until now.
I have advised many posters over the years that MLCers have been emotionally stunted at an early stage of their lives. The person or persons who did this are called authority figures. They could be parents, teachers, priests/ministers, coaches, etc., but someone made him feel very insignificant growing up. He wasn't recognized for the things that he did and he certainly didn't receive the attention and love that he so richly deserved.
When the crisis hits, all of those childhood issues/feelings/emotions are coming to the surface because they've been bottled up for a very long time and now need to be let out and faced. Your man/child hasn't grown up emotionally and now he must face those issues, accept and learn that he wasn't at fault for what happened and start growing up.
For now, listen and validate. Phrase your requests for him to be a dinner or any other activities as "h, I know you may have other plans, but we would love to have you come home and have dinner w/us.". This allows him to make the decision as to whether he wants to come home or go to his appointments. Keep in mind, you do not want to come off sounding like his mother...keep the requests light and open for him to make his own decision.
Continue to read the other threads and this may be the time to go back and re-read the homework posting that Cadet created. Each time you read the links, your eyes will open a bit more and what you read will make even more sense to you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As Christmas is quickly approaching, I have scheduled our little one to have his picture taken with Santa. My plan is to use this picture on cards to send to family and friends. Ideally, H and I will be in the picture; however, I don't want to put pressure on H to engage in this "family" tradition.
I was considering asking him like this, "I feel it would be nice to send out Christmas cards so the family can see how much son has grown. Would you like to be in the picture with me?"
Ugh, sounds so corny. Suggestions for better non-threatening, no pressure way to approach this?
I would say something like this "h, I am planning to have photos taken w/our son and Santa on xxx date. I thought it would be nice to use this photo on Christmas cards so that our family can see how much our son has grown. Would you like to be in the photo w/us?"
This leaves the option up to him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I tried it! Thanks again Job! And he said he wanted to think about it.
That's better than an outright "no."
The hardest part of this for me has been the detachment and keeping expectations at zero. I have to admit that I am disappointed at his response.
I don't know why I can't seem to this. It is rooted in fear. Fear of what? Fear of losing my M. I keep telling myself that holding on achieves nothing and does nothing to change outcome and I see that, understand it, and know it to be true. So why do I still do it? I wish I knew.
