I'm really pleased you and your family had a good Thanksgiving. It sounds like you have done a great job detaching, which is probably why you had no feelings. I guess that's a good thing though, isn't it? I think we need to protect ourselves and you are smart enough to recognise that his improved behaviour could change in an instant.
It's also great that you give yourself a mental pep talk by thinking to yourself that many men would enjoy your company. It is true, you are an amazing lady xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Yes, I agree with what others have posted. In fact, I'd find it more worrying if you got sucked straight back in..
I also feel little in the way of feelings for XH - sometimes compassion, sometimes rather numb, some disdain, then compassion, then very little, then keen to just leave it all behind.
Truly, I'm not even sure I would consider reconciling and moving on seems like the more attractive option. Then I remember I have been dealing with 'new XH' for almost 3 years now and I don't like 'new XH' much.
I would just accept the feelings and keep moving forward for now. Though I can see it must feel more difficult when you share a home and he is being nicer. Maybe just see how things unfold over time.
Glad you had a nice time anyway :-) xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hello HaWho! I am in awe of your resilience and your detachment. Your predicament has similarities to mine. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I have learned so much, and God willing, will continue to learn more. May I ask, how long did it take for you to really feel that you had detached? What are some things that have helped you?
Thanks Bttrfly, Job, Roist, Esame and Sotto. I appreciate the kind words and the support.
Fighton - love your name! Thanks so much for the encouraging words. Honestly, I think I really started to detach a few months ago. As for what worked for me? I did do a massive amount of reading on depression and MLC. And then I re-read and re-read. It helped me to understand what I was seeing as in the beginning, it was surreal. The people here helped me so much, too. Especially poor Job who kept telling me it wasn't my fault.
It begins by understanding you didn't cause this and you couldn't have prevented it. Then I began by GAL. This helped keep me from slipping into my own depression over the reality of things. For me, it was 100% physical. I began hiking and played a lot of tennis. This helped me get through the anger. I walked A LOT. Still do. To this day, I still have sneakers and a change of clothes in my car in case I feel the need to get away. Other than that, it takes time to process it all. Ironically, once you begin to detach you see it's actually harder and more painful to hold on than to let go.
There is no one way to get through this. The trick is to keep to healthy coping patterns.
Quick update: came home from early morning errands Saturday and "Let it Snow" was blaring from the dorm room. H mentioned his tree and said he'll put it in the hallway this year so it's in the entance hall. Thought it would be fun to make it like the "elf on the shelf" and move it each day! Let's see if he really can share it.
Later in the day h listened to really depressing 70's music ALL.DAY.LONG. I realized I'd rather listen to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer over and over again rather than the depressing drivel.
We picked up our tree and had plans to decorate it Sunday. But h was too tired. And too tired last night, as well. Poor tree is still sitting naked in the corner of the living room. It looks as sad as h.
Last night I overheard him talking to his best buddy from college. The friend asked where h was calling from and h said his "man cave." Hmm, more like "cub cave." Then he proceeded to tell his friend how "awesome" his "man cave" is. He was selling hard. Loads of exuberance! Of course he never told the guy it doubles as his nursery!
He's moved some pictures around the house. He took some of his favorites from elsewhere and moved them into the dorm room. I know this is PA. He is trying to tell me: "I am going to move the best stuff into my room because I am stuck in the smallest room of the house. Nah nah nah boo boo."
He again mentioned how small his bathroom is. But again, did so with kids in the room. He also made another PA comment about my depression. That also was done with S11 in the room and so that it went over s's head. I ignored it. It's easy to do because A) I have already apologized for that B) I am not that person anymore HOWEVER, I am mortal and did mourn over my sister's son and C) I have forgiven myself.
If he ever wakes up I will try my hardest not to make shots at him for his own depression. It's really distasteful.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
WOW. Great post from a great W. You are doing so well.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Roist - yes, there is GREAT music from that era! I did not mean to imply there was not. H gravitates to the depressing stuff though.
Some quirky/amusing happenings going on here. And then a setback for me.
We decorated the tree finally once I gave the ultimatum that if it wasn't done by x, I was going to decorate alone with the dog. In the end, the tree sat naked for 8 days!!!
H really does seem to have quite a teenage way about him. You know that netting that comes on the tree? Well, s13 got most of it off except for the top, where he couldn't reach. H decided to help by taking a broom handle and twisting up the remaining netting with the intent of yanking it off via the handle. After the broom handle seemed to fight with the netting, the broom won.
But then the netting was wrapped so tight around the handle! H started to cut the netting only to see it made a huge mess with shreds of netting all over. Solution? He left the netting tied around the handle and told me it made the broom festive. Oh, it was a sight to behold the whole process. Bizarre he could not "see" 5 steps ahead that this wasn't efficient. It really seems, at times, that he is re-learning some basic skills.
I went into the dorm room to discuss something kid related. H slipped up saying "hon" on several occasions. One time he apologized after saying "hon." A year ago I might have read something into. This year? I was looking at him like he was a glitchy iPhone.
Sunday he was so adult-like in the morning. He talked to the kids like a normal dad and his thinking was so rational. I listened and marveled. He's in there!
By the evening he seemed to spin back to anger and super dooper crankiness. We were decorating the tree and I won't even get into h's "strategy" for putting lights on the tree because it makes the net removal look wonderfully practical. Suffice it to say that h decided the lights should be put on without being lit?!? Of course the cord to the lights is as green as the tree so this was the absolute most difficult method to employ and it induced much crankiness in h.
At one point I was pulling out my ocean themed ornaments: glittery shells, a starfish, etc. I made quite a show of grabbing the crab and giving it to h and telling him to put THAT one on the tree. He did not spew. He settled.
He left me a post-it asking if I know how to access the password to the landline. I went over to the dorm room and said "nope." He told me he threw out the instructions. I said he could Google the manual. (This way h can check the vmail and determine exactly how many hang ups there were from telemarketers.)
Also pertaining to the landline, he mentioned s11 can use it to talk to friends. I was polite but kind of exasperated. I just couldn't take anymore. I told him it's 2016 and teens don't use landlines anymore. It's weird.
I had a few setbacks. H was showering and at an odd time like when he did in the height of replay. It just triggered me. He came out and I said "what time are you going out?" I was bristling and it was obvious. He said he wasn't and seemed surprised. Is it possible he doesn't remember all that? His showering down there at certain times brings me right back.
Also, I had a very PA comment on my part. We were talking about a certain religion and h mentioned info and it surprised me that he knew it. I said "wow, how did you know THAT?" (Probably his tanned up ow is that religion.). He said "Ohhh, I know ALL sorts of things." And I said (very PA tone): "ohhhhh, trust me, I KNOW you do." (It was a shot at all he showed me he knew in the letter.) Not proud. By the anger just jumped out of me.
He made a cameo appearance in my bedroom. He popped his head in last night with a real silly grin. I asked him what the grin was about. I was expecting him to make a jab about the size of my room: nope. He told me my room smelled "funky." Ok then.
He says goodnight almost every night now. For a while he would holler "good night boys!" Now he almost always says "good night everyone."
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Well, he certainly isn't baked up completely...that's for sure! He's bouncing back and forth from a teenager to adult, so maybe he's growing up just a wee bit.
As for the landline...does he really need a password to access the number of calls? Did he password it himself? If that's the case, the manual isn't going to give him the password.
As for remembering things, they will remember some of what they've said and done, but not all of it. You, on the other hand, will remember quite a bit of what he's said and done. Don't forget, you've not been asleep as long as he has, i.e., like Rip Van Winkle.
His good nights are reminding me of the Waltons! LOL!
Hang in there. It's going to be very interesting as you move along to the holiday.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
No, Job he is not baked up. In fact, he seems to be missing some key ingredients . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Good night john boy. Good night Mary Ellen. Good night....... haha. I thought of that too.
Don't dwell on those set backs. To me they seem minor. No harm from time to time for a little truth dart, though if delivered in strong PA they tend to lose the message and hear only the tone.
I hope funky is a good smell.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Roist - excellent point about the tone being heard and not the message. It's just hard because lately, for some reason, I am feeling a lot of the triggers.
Speaking of which, early yesterday morning I went downstairs to make myself some tea. And there, on the counter was another letter, sealed with my name on it. It looked just like that letter he gave me last year.
I went to the dorm room and told him I did not want another one of his ridiculous letters. I told him if this was one of those this was his chance to take it back. He said he did not think it was something that would make me sad. I said let's discuss it. He said he would rather not as it was not something to discuss rather it was just something he wanted me to know and then he no longer wanted to talk about it again.
Ok. So I left and read the letter.
Remember his loser MLC friend? The one who hit on me and hits on ANY and every woman? Well, in the letter he tells me several things he has done to regain my dignity in this situation. He tells me he had done these things all along and never was telling me he was doing them. He says they weren't really too close of friends, etc.
Interesting. It reminded me of a teen who knows his parents disapprove of a friend. The parents badger on about it and the kids tells them to mind their own business. Then, the kid starts to grow up and becomes embarrassed by this "friend." So he starts to say he wasn't "really" that close with him. But it becomes clear that the kid cares what his parents think of him and his reputation.
I went and said thank you. I don't buy all of it obviously as, the old him, would would have told the guy outright to jump in the lake from day 1. But this conversation happened 20 months ago! It is clear he is concerned with what I think of him, which was the opposite 20 months ago.
Maybe he is starting to grow up a teeny bit . . .
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
