She's gone. Living in the now 2

[Scrant]

She's gone. Living in the now.
Staring a new thread and reposting my last post with some additions.
Hi Sotto and anyone else reading along.Good questions! I've been busy with work this week but also I've been thinking them over too.
Looking back briefly over the history of W with OM there is no reason to think that she will come back. It isn't something which has happened over a short time. Her psychologist said she was obsessed and I don't think that will change anytime soon. To leave her husband and son was a big decision and she's determined to make it work (her own words). As for her parenting, it was always something which she tended to do when other people or family were around.She had no real idea of what to do with him when he was young. Her psychologist suggested too her that she had father issues, explains why she is with a guy twelve years older! The day to day parenting was always secondary to her personal development, depression, work, affair etc throughout his formative years. Would she be any better now? No, but son is used to her parenting style and has no great expectations of her which is sad but realistic.
So now what? Reading back over my posts and talking with a friend I feel that I'm still grieving for the R with W and that it is difficult to deal with when the "corpse" keeps reappearing every now and then to remind me what I loved about her and find difficult to let go of totally, although we've only met face to face 4 times this year. I have never seen W with OM, maybe that would be the cold hard shock to the system I need. I don't know. I've tried to keep out of the friend zone for now, as I think W would be delighted to have my company and the OM. Cake would be well and truly eaten.
What do I want for myself and S? Well, when W left (a week before S's fifteenth birthday) I was very clear that I'd stay in my town and job until S finished school and we knew what his next objective would be. I've tried to give him as much support and normality as possible in these difficult teenage years.
I have no long term desires for myself. I've focused on my work, taken on new challenges and things are going well. I like working as it takes me away from too much self relexion and soul searching. I'd like to meet someone eventually but not at the moment as it wouldn't be fair as I still have W in my head. I'd like her not to be there but,living in our house and in our town, the memories are all around. People say these things will pass with time, I hope so but for now I still see her in my dreams and nightmares. Practically we haven't taken steps to finalise the separation, we run separate accounts and don't interfere in each other's finances but we could have access should we want to.
Last night I had a good bit of GAL, a nice meal and a few drinks with workmates who've been very supporive over the year. S continues to be great company and very loving. Life moves on but slowly. I suppose these take time.

[Vanilla]

Scant

If contact sends you looping, go completely NC. Totally wholly.

The term I had in mind for me is STOVER that it is strongly totally over. It's my mindset.

It is my decision. There is the Giggalo and there is RIT (Russian Italian Tramp). They are a match made in purgatory. As long as he stays in Italy I am happy.

You have WW I your head because you haven't decided STOVER. You haven't chosen STOVER.

And who said soul searching and reflection are a bad thing? Nope they are part of STOVER. This M is dead and done, STOVER it. Decide that STOVER means freedom of all kinds.

Hanging on to the threads of a burnt cloth of your old M is having a comfort blanket. Let go, STOVER this M. WW is cake eating in my view. Truly she is. Even if all that's there are crumbs.

So what would it take to STOVER?

What would it feel like to be free from the old M?

What would new desires look and feel like for you?


As always you can say no V, I think though you are ready to shift.

V

[Sotto]

Yes, it's a good point from V. I would like to say that STOVER, doesn't mean all hope of a possible future R has to be lost. However, it does mean absolutely and truly accepting the 'old' M is over....not holding onto a little corner of that comfort blanket.

I also don't think it has to mean filing for D - though if that works for you then fine. But it does mean truly letting go of her and 'what was.'

It means making plans just for you and truly accepting her as gone at this point in time.

Who knows what the future may hold, but for now it is as it is...

Xx

[Scrant]

Thanks guys. As if to underline your points I received an email from W saying she was going to sell her car and as I have the bigger car could I pay her the difference. Fair enough but just another reminder she's gone. S was more sensible, he said it is just a car! True but another step towards future divorce and house sale once S leaves. I've got a lot to be grateful for but emotionally deep down my feelings haven't moved on. I wish they would and catch up with my rational mind which looks at all she has said and done and knows there is no future there.

[Vanilla]

Scant

Here is something for you to cut out and keep.

NO

NO


REALLY?


V

[Scrant]

Emailed W agreeing to give her some money for the car I use but asking her to transfer the ownership into my name. I was surprised to get a series of angry emails asking why I didn't trust her, I had everything and I was receiving bad advice from people!? The last email even asked for a coffee machine which my parents gave to her and S, I ignored as she was just lashing out.
I texted her to suggest we meet up ( 4th time in 2016). She came, her hair was darker and she looked tired and older. She said she was tired as it was a Friday. As I suspected she mainly wanted to talk about her R with S. She complained he wouldn't let her visit when he was ill and she can't go to our house. She blamed me for not making him do things with her, saying he is still a minor(16yrs old) and she has no control over him. She asked me how would I feel in the same situation. I deflected the question. She still can't understand why S has little interest in being with her, why he is angry with her etc. She said it has been a year, I said it has been difficult for us too! She wanted to come to cook dinner for us one evening a week. I said I wasn't comfortable with that and S wouldn't be either. We sorted out the car without problems and I ignored her complaining that she can't afford to buy a flat for herself. I told her things about S and me which she always likes to hear. She left giving me big hugs and a couple of kisses.
How do I feel? Sorry about her R with S but I can't do anything there. I did mention his mum's idea about her coming round and he just looked at me as if I was mad and said no. Emotionally I still miss her and hate the thought of ever meeting her with OM. Rationally I know she has made her choice and don't expect her to change, she changed her phone app profile twice this weekend to show her smiling in different places. I also feel resentment as I was looking after a recovering child, although I love him dearly! I know what I have to do, GAL, my own path etc but I'm still not over her which frustrates me. A close friend says I'm being too hard on myself but it feels never ending. I know the future is mine to make but it looks bleak and lonely at the moment.

[Sotto]

I know what I have to do, GAL, my own path etc but...

A close friend says I'm being too hard on myself but...

I know the future is mine to make but...

Lots of buts here Scrant. You know what you have to do - GAL and follow your own path. You know the future is yours. Full stop.

Please pay no heed to her profile stuff. What's that to you? Things like that just hold you back.

Please know this - from the moment she went, your future became yours to own. Yes, you are doing well and life is moving forward. You are a committed dad to your S and you largely manage to leave your W alone...

BUT - you haven't yet built a life for yourself that doesn't look bleak and lonely...and there's the rub. That one's on you. Yes there may be constraints, however I feel you are too ready with the buts there....Oh I know this but....I know that but.

There is no try, there is only do. You don't much feel like doing some of this stuff and so you haven't yet replaced the aching void that your W left in your life.

In these earlyish days, we have to do the things that we don't really feel like doing - get out there - meet others. Extend invites. Accept invites. Include your S in things. Reach out to others. Work every link. And slowly life rebuilds.

That's the only way I think - otherwise the hole remains. Now sometimes when I suggest this people say - oh I don't want a new girlfriend, or to go clubbing - I don't mean either of those things. But I do mean taking active steps to rebuild your life - make new friends - do stimulating things that bring joy - find a sense of community and so on - all independent of your W.

If you do that successfully, it's a no-lose situation, however things may ultimately unfold with your W.

[Vanilla]

I am following Sotto around agreeing again.

Wonderful post and I am agreeing x100

V

[Scrant]

You are both right! Thanks for the boost, I've kind of lost focus recently. I'll get back to GAL and ignore all the stuff I can't change or do anything about.

[Gordie]

I feel your pain. You should feel proud of the fact that you have been there for your son and that you are still alive to rebuild a new life.