Re: She moved out...now the work begins...Part 3

[j20a00g]

You mentioned taking off the ring may help you "move on and drop the rope"....I like to look at it more as moving "forward". Mentally to me, it makes a difference. Moving on is to me, giving up. Moving forward is about you carrying on with your life regardless of the R

[SBJ]

Vapo, you are right that I am a hot mess right now. All I wish is that I could get a redo on 2016. I'm sure that I would have done many things different...especially since I have learned alot from you guys. That being said, I know I cannot go back and can only go forward. I am missing my best friend and lover. I am missing our family time at home.

I have a good support group of friends and family that are in my corner. It's just that I was extremely close with her entire family and I have tried to distance myself from some of them. They kind of make me feel bad about the situation...almost patronizing.

[SBJ]

You mentioned taking off the ring may help you "move on and drop the rope"....I like to look at it more as moving "forward". Mentally to me, it makes a difference. Moving on is to me, giving up. Moving forward is about you carrying on with your life regardless of the R

No J20, trust me when I say that I don't look forward to moving on or forward w/o her. I just don't know what to do. She has obviously convinced herself that life is or will be better w/o me...even though I think she is just confused. Her mother did the same thing to her dad, and her grandmother did the same thing to her maternal grandfather. It is scary. Her mother swears that she didn't have anyone waiting or wasn't having an A, but who knows what is real anymore.

I guess I will just play it by ear. She has been my world for 25 years, so it will take a while to make the decision.For me anyway.

[AndrewP]

SBJ - I agonized over this myself. I promised my W that I wouldn't be the first to take my ring off. It was (I think) a very symbolic act for both of us. It certainly was for me.

I waited about 2 weeks after I encountered my W without her ring on before removing my own. I have no idea when she took her's off. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to take mine off. I took mine off as a recognition that the chances of us getting back together were slim and that she has now become MY "Plan B". I feel both exposed and free.

So - what I'm saying is that you need to make the choice you make for yourself and your own reasons. One thing that I never bought into was that because she broke her vow that it freed me from mine. My vow was my own vow even if she had given me the ring that was a symbol of it.

Good luck in whatever your choice is.

[Surfer]

SBJ

How to do this is simple. Step back. Look at her from a distance. It's like standing near a fire. Get close you feel heat. Stand back feel the warmth, see the fire. Don't get burned.

She is dominant right now. Do your GAL with kids and for you especially. Stay at distance, emotionally. Google "Windsor Davies oh dear how sad never mind". 6 seconds of video. Legendary comedy but try to adopt this in your mind whilst being there to validate and always be kind. Tricky but it works.

Be a man. Give less of a sh!t about the drama. Guys don't in fairness.

Become the dominant man again - over you and your actions/feelings. I don't mean domineering over her. Just be a man. If that makes sense. As Sandi says, take your ball$ back. She doesn't know what to do with them in any event!

All the best.

Surfer.

[CaliGuy]

SBJ

I have not posted in a bit but I have kept up with you and a few others here and another board.

Just wanted to chime in. You are still spinning and off balance (Totally understandable and quite normal), like a boxer you have had your bell rung and only thing holding you up is the ropes ... while you are trying to get your bearings just keep this in mind. MLCrs do things we never thought they were capable of, the selfishness takes front and center stage and they will make poor decision after poor decision all in pursuit of their elusive "happiness". You have to keep this in perspective, the actions she will do are for her (Hurt people hurt people) ... she has this pain she is trying to rid herself of and at the moment she believes this is you and the M, so first step .. Bomb Drop, second.... move out, rings off, cold/monster, D talk .. all of it is script. It takes TIME, tons of it till she will (hopefully) come to grips that her pain has nothing to do with you and its something else, sad thing is they have to figure this out on their own and from what I have learned they married a fixer who wants to fix something he just can not fix ... she must figure this all out on her own and it takes TIME.

My advice ... you have to continue doing the work on yourself because when and if she returns and wants to work on the M you have to learn the tools and become strong enough to endure the challenges reconciliation after MLC requires.

Part of that is what Surfer is trying to get you to do/see. I would be willing to challenge you that over your 25 years you lost some personal identity, things that first attracted her to you. We all did .... just what happens when you become a couple and stay that way for that long, you feel like you lost your left side and in many ways you have. So now you have to grow a new left arm and a new left leg to become a complete attractive person again. Like MLC this too takes time. Allow yourself time to heal and grow as you do it.

There are several books that have been recommended here that helped me begin my journey some 3 years ago ... once you start the path you realize the work will never be finished as you begin to strive to become better everyday, like any long journey it begins with the first step ...one you have already taken the trick is to keep going, she has her own path and she must take it alone (Do not try to wait for her nor speed up trying to get to 'point A')... in my experience the paths cross a few times and it will be up to you both if you chose to walk the same one later on in the hike.

[SBJ]

SBJ - I agonized over this myself. I promised my W that I wouldn't be the first to take my ring off. It was (I think) a very symbolic act for both of us. It certainly was for me.

I waited about 2 weeks after I encountered my W without her ring on before removing my own. I have no idea when she took her's off. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't a knee-jerk reaction to take mine off. I took mine off as a recognition that the chances of us getting back together were slim and that she has now become MY "Plan B". I feel both exposed and free.

So - what I'm saying is that you need to make the choice you make for yourself and your own reasons. One thing that I never bought into was that because she broke her vow that it freed me from mine. My vow was my own vow even if she had given me the ring that was a symbol of it.

Good luck in whatever your choice is.

AP - I don't know either when she took it off, but I am coming to grips with the fact that it is all part of this. She feels that she needs to change everything about her life to become happy...even though I thought that I was giving her what she wanted and needed. I am still trying to decide when to remove mine. I am still married to her even though she wants out. My feelings have never changed towards her...I don't like what she is doing, but still lover her. Maybe that makes me batchitcrazy also.

How to do this is simple. Step back. Look at her from a distance. It's like standing near a fire. Get close you feel heat. Stand back feel the warmth, see the fire. Don't get burned.

She is dominant right now. Do your GAL with kids and for you especially. Stay at distance, emotionally. Google "Windsor Davies oh dear how sad never mind". 6 seconds of video. Legendary comedy but try to adopt this in your mind whilst being there to validate and always be kind. Tricky but it works.

Be a man. Give less of a sh!t about the drama. Guys don't in fairness.

Become the dominant man again - over you and your actions/feelings. I don't mean domineering over her. Just be a man. If that makes sense. As Sandi says, take your ball$ back. She doesn't know what to do with them in any event!

All the best.

Surfer.

Surfer - I am trying to step back, but it is hard to let go...I was the one that said that I would never leave my family.

I did like the video...funny way of thinking about things.

The hard part of being dominant again is that I was a 20 year old kid when she and I began our relationship...I don't even know who I was back then anymore. I hope that I can find myself in all of this. I want to grow and learn from all of this, but I guess I am fearful of having to go it on my own.

SBJ

I have not posted in a bit but I have kept up with you and a few others here and another board.

Just wanted to chime in. You are still spinning and off balance (Totally understandable and quite normal), like a boxer you have had your bell rung and only thing holding you up is the ropes ... while you are trying to get your bearings just keep this in mind. MLCrs do things we never thought they were capable of, the selfishness takes front and center stage and they will make poor decision after poor decision all in pursuit of their elusive "happiness". You have to keep this in perspective, the actions she will do are for her (Hurt people hurt people) ... she has this pain she is trying to rid herself of and at the moment she believes this is you and the M, so first step .. Bomb Drop, second.... move out, rings off, cold/monster, D talk .. all of it is script. It takes TIME, tons of it till she will (hopefully) come to grips that her pain has nothing to do with you and its something else, sad thing is they have to figure this out on their own and from what I have learned they married a fixer who wants to fix something he just can not fix ... she must figure this all out on her own and it takes TIME.

My advice ... you have to continue doing the work on yourself because when and if she returns and wants to work on the M you have to learn the tools and become strong enough to endure the challenges reconciliation after MLC requires.

Part of that is what Surfer is trying to get you to do/see. I would be willing to challenge you that over your 25 years you lost some personal identity, things that first attracted her to you. We all did .... just what happens when you become a couple and stay that way for that long, you feel like you lost your left side and in many ways you have. So now you have to grow a new left arm and a new left leg to become a complete attractive person again. Like MLC this too takes time. Allow yourself time to heal and grow as you do it.

There are several books that have been recommended here that helped me begin my journey some 3 years ago ... once you start the path you realize the work will never be finished as you begin to strive to become better everyday, like any long journey it begins with the first step ...one you have already taken the trick is to keep going, she has her own path and she must take it alone (Do not try to wait for her nor speed up trying to get to 'point A')... in my experience the paths cross a few times and it will be up to you both if you chose to walk the same one later on in the hike.

CaliGuy - you are right about me still spinning. I have a couple of good days and then something will set me off. I had a friend come by my office yesterday whose husband passed away last year. I was talking to her about how I feel like my wife died and she and I just lost it. I felt bad, but she was very understanding.

As you say, this is all a MLC script, but it seems to be moving at light speed. She has this "Happy Mask" on all the time...like none of this is bothering her at all. I just wish she would show some kind of emotion about what is happening. She is denying that she has ever had feelings toward me. It stings.

And like I said earlier...I don't even remember who I was 25 years ago. I was young, dumb, and full of myself. Now I'm a middle-aged father of 3, who is fighting to save my marriage. My identity is wrapped up in...that is ______'s dad, or that is ______'s husband. Everything I do is for my family. It will be work to change my thinking about myself, but I am willing to do the work.

She came by last night with the youngest to get something he left and I complimented her on looking very nice...almost no response. Weird. She has always been the most beautiful woman in the world to me, but she is starting to lose something. I can't place it, but I don't want to lose my feelings toward her. It is just odd how our view of them changes as well.

What were the books again???

[j20a00g]

Why are you still complimenting her? Seems as if you feel the need to say something to her often. Gotta stop that. Journal it if you need to tell someone but don't tell her. It's perusing and can be overwhelming and smothering.

You made the comment about how you feel like she's dead....not to be too morbid but, I have a friend/client who lost her 2nd husband whom she was madly in love with. She said the divorce was more painful as she knew her Xh was still around, living life, making memories with other people, etc while the death of her h was finality.

You also mentioned it's hard to step back because you said you would never leave your family. You stepping back is really the only chance you have at saving or maintaining your family. And without you detaching, you are squandering that opportunity.

[SBJ]

j20, you are totally right...I need to stop commenting, but I see her 5 days per week. I told my kids that I would take them to school everyday that I could. This wasn't for her, but it was for me and them. I have taken them to school since my oldest started school 15 years ago. It is my time with them.

That being said, when I pick them up at her condo, I only step right inside the door and no further. I will stop with the compliments for sure.

As for the death/divorce comment...I only know what it feels like to me, but as for my marriage it is dead compared to what it once was.

I will work on stepping back. I have gone NC unless it is something she requests for the kids. That has been difficult in itself since we used to talk multiple times per day. It almost feels like she is using some of the same techniques...she has totally cut me out of her life. It totally stinks, but I guess she is trying her best to pull away and remove me from her life to find her "Utopia". Kind of funny, but I always sang the song from Alabama to her..."Close Enough to Perfect". It's hard to think about why they (our MLC'er) didn't see things as good as we see them. It's even harder to wonder if there will ever be a chance that they realize that what they are throwing away was what they needed all along. I guess that thought needs to be filed away for a long while.

[Vapo]

The neighbor approach works best IMO. Treat her as if she was your neighbor. Polite, but at a distance I mean, you don't go telling your neighbors that they are beautiful, do you? I mean, I see what you are doing, you are looking for that silver bullet, that one thing, that one magic word or deed that will turn it all around. Well, news flash, there are no silver bullets, and the sooner you come to terms with it, the easier it will be for you.

You are mind reading regarding her feelings. Stop it. You do not know what she thinks and feels. And what ever that is, although it may not be the truth in your eyes it is very real for her. You do not have to agree with her, but you do have to respect her choices. Sometimes the best thing is (actually always) to let her have what she thinks she wants, that might set her straight sooner. The more you interfere in her decisions, the more pissed off she will be at you. So, stop interfering...

REmember, there is no silver bullets...