LRT in Full Effect. Scared but still determined

[AndrewP]

It's not fun to dread walking into your house.

Thats your choice. You dont HAVE to dread walking into your house. How can you instead have a PMA?

I know this part of the story well. I would constantly worry on my way home what I would encounter when I got home. For good or bad for many years W and I had a system where I would call the house on my way home, let the phone ring twice and then hang up. Checking call display she would see that I was about 1/2 hour away from home and would (pre BD) be waiting for me. Post BD this same system worked to give W time to escape and not have to see me. Knowing that W most likely wouldn't be there helped a bit.

One other thing that helped me was to take "ownership" of the house. I started cleaning and organizing things to my own standards / liking which made the house more something to be proud of. To be honest though it wasn't until W moved out that I was able to come home without that feeling of dread.

[Chris73]

Thats your choice. You dont HAVE to dread walking into your house. How can you instead have a PMA?

Agreed, and knowing the kids are there certainly helps to change my attitude pretty quickly!

I mean, on the one hand, I get it that you are 'separated'. That said, you are still living together. In my mind, something like an 'ok' or some way of letting her know you got it is reasonable. I feel like ignoring this type of message is kind of rude.

You have a point. And this is the part where I have to constantly check my ego. Clearly I ignored her text out of spite.

You are GOING to get sh*t tonight, but this can be avoided if you make a clear schedule of who will be home with the kids on what night.

I really don't think so though. She relies on me a lot to handle the evening family responsibilities because she takes evening appointments for her practice at least twice a week, sometimes thrice, and on Saturday as well. Tonight will be the only night we'll all be home together until Saturday. So after the kids are in bed, I'll just go out for a couple hours. She'd be crazy to put up any resistance.

[Chris73]

One other thing that helped me was to take "ownership" of the house. I started cleaning and organizing things to my own standards / liking which made the house more something to be proud of.

I started doing this too. I used to see my W as the executive of all the household decisions. This is what started our problems in the first place. Now I'm just doing stuff. But it's hard this time of year. I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark. Once the kids are dealt with, I have about an hour before I'm totally fried. But I'm starting to get more productive on the weekends.

[coffee_]

It's not fun to dread walking into your house.

Thats your choice. You dont HAVE to dread walking into your house. How can you instead have a PMA?

After the kids were asleep I got a txt message, "I'm not going to be done in time to be home to see the kids before bed so I'm just going to meet the girls for a drink."

I didn't respond at all. I finished a couple things and went to bed.

I mean, on the one hand, I get it that you are 'separated'. That said, you are still living together. In my mind, something like an 'ok' or some way of letting her know you got it is reasonable. I feel like ignoring this type of message is kind of rude. I dont know for sure, just how it seems to me. Not saying you should wait up or bake her cookies, but a simple text seems appropriate.

Tonight I plan to go out after the kids are asleep. My wife has been out Monday night and last night and will be out again tomorrow and Friday night. It doesn't seem fair, but I'm looking at it as a positive. She wants space, she can have it. Meanwhile, I'm spending more time with my kids. But she really can't say sh*t if I go out tonight tho.

Maybe it's time to set a schedule. You are GOING to get [censored] tonight, but this can be avoided if you make a clear schedule of who will be home with the kids on what night.

Yes, I would pin her down to a schedule so you both know what will be expected as far as taking care of the kiddo's. Your sitch sounds very familiar. I did the in house separation for 3 months and it was very miserable for me. I too dreaded going home because i never knew what to expect. I still dread going there and hardly do really. I buck up when I do, and just do it. I have to stop once a month to drop off dog food. It is so funky to see your wife change so fast into a person you don't know. LRT didn't work for me because I also filed for D. After realizing that she has been cheating on my for 10 years (or more) off and on, and watching her go bazerko during the in house separation, including some major cake eating, I knew that I had no choice. I really wanted to DB but just realized personally that I could never trust her again, she was showing no sign of that and to this day (it has been 3 months since I filed and moved out) she still lies to me about the silliest things, she can't not lie to me. I have 4 years in this stupid town, where I moved to raise my son because her family is here, after that I am so outta here!
Stay strong, continue DB,ing for yourself, watch her actions, trust nothing she says and half of what she does. this is a roller coaster and nobody knows where the end is, being in limbo is the hardest part. Your doing good, keep it up, be a man and take those ball$ back.

[TxHubby]

That time on your last thread when you stood up for yourself and took charge of the family? Yeah, you need to do that ALL the time. It yielded positive results then and it will going forward. Be the family leader that you're supposed to be. DO NOT allow ANYONE to disrespect you. Every castle can only have one king. Every queen can only have one king. If you're not filling that role then she'll find another king.

Don't be a jerk, but DO be firm and confident in your leadership of your household.

[Chris73]

Ok all, interpret this one.

Other than discussions about house and kid issues, we have been avoiding contact for several days now. Just one or two word txts like, "when will you be home?" or "did you go to the bank?" etc.

We don't kiss hello or goodbye. We barely say goodnight to each other.

Then I get a txt from her a couple hours ago:

It's a picture of the driveway that I had just cleared the day before, covered with new leaves. And the message:

"All of that hard work you did this weekend only to have the yellow brick road today" (with an emoji to boot).

I didn't respond for about an hour. Then just wrote back, "But it leads to Oz so that's ok."

So WTF is this?? Pacification? Cake Eating? Softening?

[TxHubby]

Ok all, interpret this one.

Other than discussions about house and kid issues, we have been avoiding contact for several days now. Just one or two word txts like, "when will you be home?" or "did you go to the bank?" etc.

We don't kiss hello or goodbye. We barely say goodnight to each other.

Then I get a txt from her a couple hours ago:

It's a picture of the driveway that I had just cleared the day before, covered with new leaves. And the message:

"All of that hard work you did this weekend only to have the yellow brick road today" (with an emoji to boot).

I didn't respond for about an hour. Then just wrote back, "But it leads to Oz so that's ok."

So WTF is this?? Pacification? Cake Eating? Softening?

It could be just the ramblings of a cheater. People in affair fog are kind of nutty and say all kinds of nutty things. My wife had some gems back in her WW days. Today we laugh about how crazy she was then. I was too passive about the whole thing and that prolonged it. As soon as I came to that realization and retook the throne to my castle, all became right with the world. Every castle can have only one king.

[MoveFrwd]

She relies on me a lot to handle the evening family responsibilities because she takes evening appointments for her practice at least twice a week, sometimes thrice, and on Saturday as well.

So whats the plan if you are divorced? Are you going to be home to watch the kids every time she says she has an appointment? If so, Id be shocked if her 'appointments' at night dont go up to 4-5 times a week...

In my mind, you are separated now. Watching them every night is giving her free babysitting (cake eating). Or what if you get a text tonight that says "Im working late, going out with the girls afterwards again"?

[MoveFrwd]

"All of that hard work you did this weekend only to have the yellow brick road today" (with an emoji to boot).

I didn't respond for about an hour. Then just wrote back, "But it leads to Oz so that's ok."

So WTF is this?? Pacification? Cake Eating? Softening?

Who knows. She probably thought it was funny and didnt have anyone else to share it with? I definitely dont think its a 'sign'.

[Chris73]

I definitely dont think its a 'sign'.

No not a sign. But MWD asks, "What the very first thing to signal that things are moving in the right direction?" At this point, a txt or phone call for no apparent reason is one of those things.

Yes, I'm being optimistic. No I'm not going to backslide or soften.