LRT in Full Effect. Scared but still determined

[Chris73]

Starting a new thread to document my journey using the LRT with a WW who has asked for a "trial separation" while still living at home.

For those interested, the back story can be found at the 2 links below

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2714296&page=all

Link to part 1 ^^

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2717442#Post2717442

Link to part 2 ^^

How did I get here? It seems so surreal.

This past Thursday morning (yes, that's right, Thanksgiving morning), after confronting my W about her continued contact with her affair partner, I finally (for the first time in 6 months) grew a pair of b@lls and told her that she has shown me nothing but disrespect since our M problems started. She eventually suggested a trial separation but I informed her that I had no plans of moving out of my house or allowing my kids to be uprooted and relocated. Instead I told her that if she didn't want to keep working on the M, she could either leave or sleep on the couch. She chose the couch and has slept there for the past 4 nights.

If you go through my previous 2 threads you'll see that I did a lot of things wrong. My head is still a bit sore from all the 2x4s that Sandi2 has hit me with

But every day I'm trying to get better at this. I've read the LRT section of DR several times and I also purchased MWD's video course on the LRT.

So far we've agreed on a few ground rules while this in-house separation is happening.

1. We sleep in separate beds

2. We continue to parent our children together and still sit down to family dinners whenever both of us are home

3. We continue to share finances

4. We continue to split the household chores

5. We continue to be faithful to our marriage commitment and not date other people (I don't have much faith in her upholding this one, but I will regardless.)

6. We decide how long this trial separation will last, what the goals are, and what we will do once it's over.

We're still working on this last one. I told her to think about it. If she doesn't bring it up again before Friday, we have an MC session scheduled and we'll discuss it then. We'll also discuss stopping the MC until at least the end of the trial separation period.

Now here are the things that I am doing:

-No calling/texting/emailing
-No physical contact
-No kiss hello/goodbye
-No "I Love You"
-No initiating conversation
-Being vague with details if/when she initiates conversation
-Making plans to do things without her and/or with my friends
-Trying to take care of myself - exercise, hygiene, sleep
-No relationship talk
-No ego (this is the hardest one) - words and actions should be positive and compassionate. No sarcasm. No guilt. No blame. No threats.

Finally, I have a question for the vets based on the information that MWD offers in her LRT video training session.

In one section MWD instructs: Figure out what your W has been unhappy about in the marriage. Start making those changes. Let her notice, but don't expect recognition.

My W's unhappiness stems from the fact that she sees me like a 3rd child. That I don't "man-up" enough. Most of her examples of this revolve around me not taking charge of our house and our family. In the past 9 years I've rarely been motivated to do any yardwork. I've always waited for her to figure out what needs to be done around the house and then I do a sh*tty job because I expect that she'll just tell me it's not right. This includes making arrangements for someone to come fix something or deciding to take on the task myself.

So in the last month I've stepped it up. We have a huge list of things that need attention. Painting the bathroom, re-caulking the bathtub, installing shelving, cleaning up the yard and trimming bushes, putting up xmas lights, etc. In the past I would have never done any of these things or if I did I would constantly seek her input and approval on every detail. Now I just do them. I don't announce that I'm going to do them and I don't announce when they're done.

I feel like this is part of my 180 and complies with MWDs advice. But Sandi2 has advised me a few times in my other threads that trying to be a super H isn't going to help. That doing her work as well as mine will not make her think any more of me. But I think it's important for me to explain that I NEVER WAS doing my work. I was a lazy bastard. I'd never owned a house before and I never bothered to learn how to handle even the simplest DIY projects. So she always did them, or called someone else to do them, someone "manlier" than me in her eyes.

Of course there's a lot more to growing my b@lls back than just doing home improvement projects, and I'm trying to do those things too. But I think that's enough for now. This post is long and I would grateful for any advice on what I've posted so far.

Also, please pray for me (or whatever other word you might use for sending positive vibes my way). There are days when all of this hurts so badly that I feel like it's pointless. I know that I'm making changes for me and I'll be a better person in the long run. But sometimes the burden of trying to keep this family together is so heavy that I just need to put it down. The support I've gotten from all of you on this board gives me the strength to pick it back up, so please keep it coming!

Thanks!

[bigybiz]

Chris:

I feel for you and I will pray for you. I pray for over 20 different DBer's everyday. Please look for my thread Offering Prayer. I hated my inhouse sep. I will pray that your will end in reconciliation (if that is what you want).

I too channeled much of my DB activities into home improvements - I'm thrilled I did.

I'm no vet but, I would not take on anything that you can't conquer. Ease into it. Make small consistent changes. If you want to take on a big project/change. Break it down into 100's of small steps so your progress is constant.

I encourage you to do any small thing you can differently. If you buy coffee at Starbucks, take a thermos. If you shop at Walmart - go to Target. If you normally wear jeans, wear dress pants. Just thinking about changing small things plays a huge part in shifting your identity. The effort is small and the payoff can be huge.

If you don't exercise - do 5 push ups a day. Before too long you will be doing 40 a day. No step is too small.

Sandi2 warned me that sometimes WW/WAW become more resentful when we put on the super husband cape. I can see that and my W has a times. So do what works for you. Get success where you want it to be - not what she thinks is "right". In the end no one can take that away from you.

I love many of the changes I've made and many things have come into place for me - no my W has not come back, but I think I've become a better dad and I take up a much bigger part of their lives. Also, everything W used to do, I now am responsible for. My boys and I are quite self sufficient.

Stick to your rules.

[Natus]

Hey Chris, just wishing you the best and hope it all goes well.

Just remember, you are doing all of these things for you and your kids. It would be like she wasnt there. Dont do it to get recognition/impress/whatever reaction, you will just end up with disapointment that way. Hopefully along the way you find something that gives you pride and joy over your accomplishment.

[Chris73]

Thanks for the support you two.

Ugh I am SO bitter this morning. I'm really starting to fear that my M may be close to the point of no return for me. I'm not giving up, but I'm scared that the bitterness that's growing in me will start to have an influence over my words and actions when I'm interacting with my W. And I don't want that to happen. The LRT is supposed to be about trying to save your M but I'm really discouraged this morning. Who would have thought that in just a couple months we'd go from being happy and working towards making our M strong to sleeping in separate beds and barely speaking to each other. It's gut wrenching. I think I need to stay off these boards today and try to think about something else...

[MoveFrwd]

Ugh I am SO bitter this morning.

Can you identify what is causing you to be bitter?

My guess is that you had some expectation of something and it was left unmet. How this would go, how long this would take, where you would be today, etc.

Maybe now is a good time to go back to the beginning and look at your situation again with a Beginner's Mind?

[BillyHo]

Hang in there Chris. I know that the in house separation thing is not easy. That portion of my journey is almost over. It is really tough to see the W everyday knowing that they don't want us right now. My best times the last few months have been when I totally focus on myself or me and my 3 boys. Get out of the house when W is home. When she is out find something to keep you busy so you're not thinking about what she is doing or when she's coming home. Let her see that your world doesn't revolve around her. Find what makes you happy outside of your M.

You've got this man. You are stronger than you know!

[Chris73]

Thanks BillyHo. I'm trying everything I can think of.

Darknes, the bitterness is developing because my ego is starting to develop a more dominant voice in my head. I think about how many times my wife lied to me and disrespected our relationship.

She created a contact in her phone for the OM and gave him a fake name. The name of a woman with the same initials. I eventually figured out that this was the name she was using for him. But the funny thing is, after she unblocked him (whenever that was) she still kept the fake name in her phone. Does she think I'm stupid or is she just in denial? I feel like saying, "What's the point of keeping that fake name, we both know who it is. Why don't you just accept responsibility and change it to his real name."

And this is just one thing among many.

I love my wife, but I hate the person she's become. Every day I pray for strength that my ego will not influence my interactions with her. But it's really hard. I will go back and read the Beginner Mind chapter.

[bigybiz]

Chris: In house Sep [censored]. When I my W chose her "addiction" over our marriage I told her we will need to separate then. Initially we had a one day on one day off system. One person took care of the boys, the house, etc. The other would stay out of the way. Well I backtracked and had family meals together, etc. When I got here (DB site) I learned that cake eating was not going to let her feel the loss. In hindsight I should have stuck with the one day on one day off.

Be strong and do what is going to make you feel good - don't ever be a nice.

[Chris73]

Just checking in.

Yesterday was really rough. It's not fun to dread walking into your house. But my W went out to work and I had dinner and some fun with the kids. Now, I don't want to promote alcohol abuse, but I have to say, 2 oz of bourbon REALLY took the edge off.

After the kids were asleep I got a txt message, "I'm not going to be done in time to be home to see the kids before bed so I'm just going to meet the girls for a drink."

I didn't respond at all. I finished a couple things and went to bed. Not sure when she got home but it was probably late.

This morning I felt really low again, but I did some praying and went to the gym. And now I feel much better. Spending the morning trying to make plans with friends and also find some places to play my guitar (coffee houses, open mics, etc.)

Tonight I plan to go out after the kids are asleep. My wife has been out Monday night and last night and will be out again tomorrow and Friday night. It doesn't seem fair, but I'm looking at it as a positive. She wants space, she can have it. Meanwhile, I'm spending more time with my kids. But she really can't say sh*t if I go out tonight tho.

Lastly I found this prayer that I've saved in my phone for the times I want to give up. I'm not really a religious person, but I believe that it's much easier for me to have a dialog with the idea of a personal god instead of just meditate.

I post it here in hopes that it might help someone else.

"Dear God, when our relationships with our spouses are in trouble, it seems that it is too much of a burden to bear alone. I would ask you to help me endure this time of trouble with my wife.

I can easily think of things that I did wrong or failed to do something that I should have done. I have confessed my faults to my wife and asked for her forgiveness, yet she is still not receiving it.

God, my heart is breaking for my wife. Please bring to her mind the times and curcumstances that brought us both together, how we grew to love each other, and made marvelous plans for the future. It all seems so far away now.

Please God, bring these precious memories back to her in the hopes that we can be reconciled with one another.

Amen."

Have a great day DB'ers!

[MoveFrwd]

It's not fun to dread walking into your house.

Thats your choice. You dont HAVE to dread walking into your house. How can you instead have a PMA?

After the kids were asleep I got a txt message, "I'm not going to be done in time to be home to see the kids before bed so I'm just going to meet the girls for a drink."

I didn't respond at all. I finished a couple things and went to bed.

I mean, on the one hand, I get it that you are 'separated'. That said, you are still living together. In my mind, something like an 'ok' or some way of letting her know you got it is reasonable. I feel like ignoring this type of message is kind of rude. I dont know for sure, just how it seems to me. Not saying you should wait up or bake her cookies, but a simple text seems appropriate.

Tonight I plan to go out after the kids are asleep. My wife has been out Monday night and last night and will be out again tomorrow and Friday night. It doesn't seem fair, but I'm looking at it as a positive. She wants space, she can have it. Meanwhile, I'm spending more time with my kids. But she really can't say sh*t if I go out tonight tho.

Maybe it's time to set a schedule. You are GOING to get [censored] tonight, but this can be avoided if you make a clear schedule of who will be home with the kids on what night.