Your situation isn't the worst. However, you haven't been practicing DR and as a result, all the anger, resentment and hatred you have now are a result of it. So since you hate your wife so much, go ahead and speed things along. I mean from your tone, you certainly wouldn't shed a tear if she was found dead in a ditch somewhere.
Hi MrBond, I am not sure I follow. I have no hatred towards her, I only took actions to protect myself legally and financially. Trying to look back at it and find the humor, despite all the chaos, threats, false allegations from her, threats from her close friends, and erratic behavior is what has kept me going.
I have spent several weeks scraping along and looking for a 2nd job to make ends meet. I should have acted sooner, but I was stunned and spent the first few weeks angonizing and sad. I had (have) no idea where she was, why she would abruptly curse/hang up on during calls, and why she sent me nothing but rambling and acusatory messages after leaving.
The more I tried to be positive and asked for clarification, the angrier and more accusatory she got. Eventually when I lessened my responses from being overwhelmed, she started impatiently demanding money, property, and divorce.
I realize my own unhealthy dependency on her and how I contributed to issues. The way I perceive how she treated me was the way I allowed myself to be treated and a result of the environment I helped create.
Again, my goal has been to get myself through this the best way I can. I have to accept that I probably ignored some signs in the months leading up to this. That had been planing this and that she has a deep issue I can not fix.
All of sudden she had money issues as suddenly her job of several years started incorrectly depositing her paychecks into the wrong accounts one month prior to her "craziness". Her seething anger that started showing up in and after traditional counseling should have been something I caught on to as well.
It is funny you say I do not care what happens to her. When I was packing up the home I came across something that truly hurt me. It was her "wishing" vile harm on me with the end result happening in a manor similar to what you describe above.
Then what have you actually changed? I see you GAL and still blame your wife for your unhappiness. All of your focus and posts are of her. Based on DR, what were your goals towards improving things with your W?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Wait for the anger to subside and then expect her to want you back. I went through the same thing. My wife wielded divorce over me and I groveled and stayed passive for a couple years. It was hell. Finally I found my nads one day and said F this, filed myself and had her served. That blew her world up. That was years ago. We're still together. Once she saw how fine I was going to be without her it snapped her out of her stupid temporary insanity and all is well now. Keep your cool. Don't get pulled into any screaming matches. The nuttier she gets the more calm you get. Either way you'll be fine. If she comes back and wants to be a sane person again, cool. If she doesn't then you're better off because she went off the deep end and would just pull you along if you stayed. Staying the course puts you in a win-win situation. Good luck.
You are right, but the more time goes on, the more I come to realize how horrible, shallow, and vain of a person she is.
What type of person puts down their spouse, leaves them, and then goes ape when they give them what they are asking for?
What type of person threatens and makes up false allegations of abuse (really burns me up because of all the those victims) just to gain popularity and sympathy?
In my book it takes a really vile person to do such a thing, I'm no angel as I know I had a deep overbearing/pleasing dependency. I could accept my wife's flaws but her actions are beyond a mid-life crisis or a fling in my book. They seem just plain sick, and I'm actually afraid to be near her.
I think this is what mrbond is referring to. I would agree with him. You sound as if you want out more than she does. So why not pull the trigger?
34, xw33 M-10, T-18 2D (8 and 5) Ilybinilwy-1/16 EA/PA- 7/15-present (with my former best friend) Trial apartment-2/16 (also when she considers us separated) W moved out-8/16 W Filed 11/21/16 D final 1/30/17
For me the two "SS's" surviving and spirituality. Initially I begged and pleaded, then tried to bargain, and eventually became depressed. My survival instincts have kicked back in and my main focus is keeping my lights on, myself safe, and my home out of foreclosure. In addition, I'm trying to balance home repair (I no longer have time to DIY), while also taking care of elderly parents.
Before she left my spirituality was in the gutter and I was estranged from a lot of friends and family. After her leaving those areas have improved, those are the two bright spots.
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I see you GAL and still blame your wife for your unhappiness. All of your focus and posts are of her.
I'm trying to work on the hurt and towards forgiveness. I'm more hurt by the false accusations, the threats, betrayal, and her destructive behavior. I also blame myself for being "conned" and "blind" for so long, it will probably take me longer to get over losing myself than her lying, hiding money, at least one probable affair (that I know of), and the vandalism. In the end I have accept my own foolishness and naiveté.
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Based on DR, what were your goals towards improving things with your W?
Initially my goals were to improve myself and show that I could forgive (GAL but leave the door open for her come back). I even signed up for three telephone sessions with a coach. But as I started recovering from the shock, more and more things started filtering back to me from friends and family regarding her words, actions, and behavior. She also got meaner, more impatient, and nastier in her emails/contact with me as time progressed.
As it stands now I'm not sure there is much I can do at this point regarding any relationship improvement with her. If contact or feelings of trust with/in her were numbers, I would be at -85 at this point.
I have not seen or spoken to her since her last tornado of a visit a while ago, right after she came to rant and scream at me for filing and for not going along with her "plan". The only thing I could do is just sit there emotionless and numb as she threw a fit in our front yard.
I miss her dearly at times but then the resentment and anger builds back up and I'm not sure if I can even begin to talk to her due to all the betrayal.
I'm preparing for the worst but praying for the best.
Originally Posted By: j20a00g
I think this is what mrbond is referring to. I would agree with him. You sound as if you want out more than she does. So why not pull the trigger?
I did, I filed for divorce a while ago; however, my claim/case is still being reviewed. I did not want to do it, but after she started demanded "more and more" and really started piling on the accusations of abuse I sought out legal counsel.
My not giving her cash, selling the home using an agent she found, and giving her the expensive furniture was being "abusive" in her book. In addition, she kept looming a divorce filing over my head because I was not reacting and going along with her fast enough.
Not sure where her thirst for instant money all of sudden came from after her walking out. She has rich parents, rich friends, and we did alright with our combined income (money was no object to her, while a constant worry to me).
I came from poor working class background and am mentally preparing myself to go back to "sleeping on couches" and working odd jobs again if need be. That and prayer are really the only things I can do right now.
