Hi Rouky, I too find life much easier when there is no contact with XH. And luckily in my case he seems completely disinterested in contacting me, so life is pretty peaceful. Of course when you have children together there's a degree of contact and in time, I imagine that sting will fade.
As for the changing of plans, I can understand your point of view on this. I think it is fine to say no when you aren't available to help and have other plans. I guess the thing to watch out for is your own understandable anger about the whole situation and the care of your kids being the focus of that.
In XH's case, we had a good R with his XW and would help when we can. Of course there were times when we couldn't too. I would say, make plans for you when the kids aren't with you and if it isn't convenient to change them, don't. However, there may be times when you can be flexible if asked too.
JMHO of course, and I think you are doing well. There is always hope in the longer term if the door is open a crack at your end. However, please don't put your own life on hold in any way, shape or form. If your H wants you back, you will have travelled a long way forwards and he will have some serious work to do.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you Feyth and Sotto for your kind words. I had to have a laugh as after all those back and forth with H about kids tonight, he still turned up at the usual time to pick them up. The only difference this time was that I fed them instead of him! Even our kids asked him why he was late and why I had fed them when usually they are with him on Wednesday!
Usually I go out on the Wednesday as it's my free night, so I wasn't going to change my plans as I went out for a meal with a friend. We had a great time and a good laugh!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Hello Twinmom, thank you for checking on me. I'm doing ok. Still have ups and downs but nothing major. I think realising that I will be only with my kids for Xmas is hitting me a bit harder than I thought. Last year, even if I knew H was OW I was still hoping that is why Xmas didn't sound too bad, but this year it's different. So I guess I'm a little sad.
I'm still reading people's posts but feeling that I don't have much to offer, so I'm not as much as I was on it.
Two of my acquaintances have separated from their H ( one she had the EA, the other one her H is involved in one) and headed for D. This had me thinking could it be that we are now in a society where family values are gone and replaced by individuals values. The further I go on my journey, the more I realise that cheating is so commun, frowned upon when it happened but very shortly after it is seen as normal. What kind of legacy am I leaving my kids? I am even questioning myself if I'm not teaching them out of date values.
I'm kind of losing faith in love, fidelity and all that. We seem to be a generation of throwing away. I still love H but the hardest part is to come to term with the fact he doesn't love me enough to work on our marriage and I wasn't good enough for him. Can't seem to let it go!
Sad to say but at times I wish I was like a man and put eveyinto compartment. I met someone (male), who has been cheated on and 8 months later he is out dating, why can't I be like that? I have been single now for 20 months and I do miss the companionship. I go out a lot and do nice things for me and kids, but I have to admit that I know how to live on my own, and most days I'm happy with my own company but I do get lonely.
How fair I is it that H has someone in his life (and how they got together), and I haven't. I'm not ugly, stupid, didn't cheat on my H. So why am I still single and H isn't?
Not another day goes by without me learning that another couple is breaking up. The reason is because this person has been unhappy for a long time. Haven't we become a generation of unhappy people that give up on vows? From where I stand it feels like everyone is jumping out the ship because of being unhappy but shouldn't happiness come from within?
Happiness should come from within...but today's society looks at the trinkets and bobbles and spending money on such things as way of finding happiness...but these things soon tarnish or get broken and out they go to purchase something else. Some people don't appreciate what they already have and that is family, a job, a home and the love that goes w/it.
I do think that we all have become more aware of this "unhappiness" in marriages more so after what we have been through. People don't want to work on their marriages, but find it easier to toss the marriages aside and start fresh, i.e., just like purchasing new trinkets and bobbles. The vows mean nothing to some of them, i.e., just words that were spoken on a day long ago. It's sad and a shame.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Looking from a positive angle, because of what LBS have been/ are going through, we are learning that we real happiness is (not depending on external factor) and what we need to do to get it. The down side is that we have learnt/ are learning it the hard way.
Also I can understand that if someone is unhappy but has done his/her best to improve but their partner isn't prepare to clean her/his side of the street then waking away or giving up might be acceptable. Unfortunately most of the WAS don't know what that they have to do to be healthy and happy by themselves. I think that most of them will be running away in the search of something for the rest of their life. Sad really.
I'm not happy on how I came about to start this journey but I know that each day I'm getting healthier emotionally, spiritually and financially. So the next person who comes into my life will have a healthy person not a mere shadow of herself as by then I'd have dealt with my demons. So MLC in the horizon for me. Hahahaha
Having a rough time. I'm struggling as everyone is gearing up for Christmas and are happy but not me. I'm feeling sad. I think that H was right when he told me 3 years that I will regret my actions, I didn't appreciate what I got until it's gone. Also I'm an educated person and should realise that H had a choice and could have done the right thing by leaving me and then start seeing his OW. I should realise that he is the one who isn't emotionally stable and the last few years were unhappy for me too, although I never questioned my love for H. I have a lot of friends but at times I feel lonely.
There are days when I can see the light out of the tunnel, but lately I can't seem to find it. I guess being in limbo also doesn't help. I have some friends telling me why don't I file for D because H is clearly not coming back. There are days when I'm sure I don't want him but today isn't the case. It has been nearly 21 months now, I surely should be over it, shouldn't I?
How come OW is reaping all that I have worked so hard to achieve with H? I have done all the hard work, been patient as I knew we were going through a rich patch because of our last house and how financially it was hitting us hard. Now OW is getting all of H's attention, care and love. At times I think it's unfair as she has done none of all the hard work and she is getting all the rewards.
Hi Rouky my lovely - now then, I'm going to comment on this avenue of thinking, because I think it's one you go down quite a lot and I hope you can reframe things.
Firstly, you and H have worked hard to achieve things. Good for you and you have assets to show for your efforts, graft and good husbandry. If worse comes to worst (and I hope that won't be the case) you will have built a great deal in your M together to divide. I felt lucky in our M that we had significant asset growth and there were assets to divide. Some people only have debt to divide. I heard about one couple who only had debt to divide, a significant amount of which was wedding costs - eek!
The other big thing is that you are talking of OW as though she has won some sort of prize. Trust me, your H (or any other middle aged man in crisis) is no prize at all - other than the wooden spoon. Yes, he may currently be infatuated (or that could be waning) we don't know. But we we how adulterous relationships tend to unfold over time and it isn't pretty. Because they are built on shaky foundations of deceit, betrayal and lies, they don't tend to withstand the rigours, challenges and mundanity of real life.
And finally - please recognise that these are only your thoughts. You thinking them doesn't make them true and do try to rationalise with yourself when you go down this path of 'stinkin' thinking.' focus on your own life, enjoy your kids, make nice plans for yourself and keep investing in what you can control - your own life.
Hope you have a lovely weekend Rouky xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
