W-do you hate me? Me-no W – I’m sorry Cheesyt. Can we maybe talk? Considering replying way later, something along the lines of “maybe after my vacation, I have been doing a lot of thinking about what I want my life to look like” or my future to look like. Or, considering asking if she’s still seeing OW? No need to talk if she’s with OW? Idk though. I'll happily consider suggestions.
JRuss, thanks! that “not your circus” comment made me laugh. Also puts things in perspective, you’re absolutely right. It’s not my circus. I hadn’t thought about the EA and PA part or cake eating. My W is certainly a mess. I know the next conversations, interactions are very crucial. Thank you for the boost, I don’t feel like I’m kicking a$$ but it’s nice to get a different perspective!
Fighting, thanks for stopping by. At less than a month into this mess I could not have come up with that response you suggested. You’re certainly getting a good handle on this!
((Cheesy)), what is going on with your W, she wants to talk again!
I think your right Cheesy, go away on your holiday and relax. If she wants to talk that badly she will respect your wishes as you have done for her all these months.
Do a search for RealityTrip's thread on if here you haven't already. Her W was behaving in a similar way.
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
cheesy, you have got to stop letting her rope you in. Remember, your actions do NOT depend on hers. You can have your emotional response all day long and all night. But your actions do not change.
IGNORE all of this. No texting, no replying, no tears and talks, NADA. None of that will serve you and will most likely only confuse you and cause you more hurt. Also, why would you allow her to absolve her guilt? You are feeding her drama by even replying at all. IGNORE IT ALL.
If she keeps texting, calling, crying, whatever, ignore it. If she wants to know why and keeps probing you, you can let her know that you would like some space and that you have a lot to think about. End of convo. Goodbye. THEN IGNORE HER DRAMA!!!
Let her wonder if she has lost you. Let her worry you hate her. Let her think you are okay without her and thinking about giving up! That is fine. She has walked all over you, don't allow her to control you with her drama. Stop acting on your feelings. That is your biggest hurdle here.
2*4 with love, Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
W kept prying for information and asked if we could talk i told her something along the lines of what blu said. She keep asking what all I have to think about. I texted back told her of what I wanted, w asked what that was. I said love, joy, peace and family. W said I've always wanted that and asked what changed. so i told her "my whole life has changed" w asked if we could talk I told her I'd call her around 10pm. W asked what I had been thinking about so much I told her I told her I need to keep working on me and going to school and doing things for me. She asked if I was mad about Friday I told her no. She asked about my trip who was taking me or if I was parking my car blah blah but I didn't feel like talking about that so I said I had to go to bed since it was already 10. She said ok. We hung up then she texted me "Thanks for sparing 3 minutes.. hope you have a good trip. Happy thanksgiving. " all the periods again. She's mad.
Can't help but to feel bad. The text confirms my suspicion, she wanted to keep talking to me. However, I'm not her friend...I can't talk to her like that. I don't want to tell her about my trip...(i do as my wife) it hurts me that we can't be friends, I am on board as to why that can't be and I know it's for ME. But the hurt doesn't just stop because of the logical reasoning. Also, I can't help but to think all weekend she was silent...all weekend she was probably with OW (yes I'm mind reading here) and now that OW Is back to her home w starts texting. Certainly feels like a back up plan. And yes I'm aware and yes I can see it. Can 2*4 myself on this one.
I must continue to put my best foot forward every day.
cheesy, you have got to stop letting her rope you in. Remember, your actions do NOT depend on hers. You can have your emotional response all day long and all night. But your actions do not change.
IGNORE all of this. No texting, no replying, no tears and talks, NADA. None of that will serve you and will most likely only confuse you and cause you more hurt. Also, why would you allow her to absolve her guilt? You are feeding her drama by even replying at all. IGNORE IT ALL.
If she keeps texting, calling, crying, whatever, ignore it. If she wants to know why and keeps probing you, you can let her know that you would like some space and that you have a lot to think about. End of convo. Goodbye. THEN IGNORE HER DRAMA!!!
Let her wonder if she has lost you. Let her worry you hate her. Let her think you are okay without her and thinking about giving up! That is fine. She has walked all over you, don't allow her to control you with her drama. Stop acting on your feelings. That is your biggest hurdle here.
2*4 with love, Blu
So you responded and let her rope you in? And now you feel worse? So I have quoted my above reply because I only have the same advice to give. I also think it would help you to reread Sandi's rules and apply them. Every day. This is not only because she has got to realize you are not plan B, but more so than that, cheesyt is causing herself more harm and distress by engaging in anything with her. Drop the rope. LET GO. Take care of you. If she really wants to be with you then she will come around the right way and then you will just know. Until that happens, read above 2*4.
I'm getting harder on you because I know you can handle it and I truly believe this is in your best interest. I also think it's the only shot of her coming back for good at some point!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Oh blu, I knew some 2*4s were coming my way from you! I highly appreciate them. You know us newbs don't listen sometimes. We are like little kids, we put our hand in the fire multiple times before we "get it". I'll get there. Your posts always resonate with me but I'm me and I love my W very much and she's thrown me off balance. I certainly have no intention on talking to her as a friend or anything for that matter.
I'm struggling with the fact that she's got OW, expressed some sort of whatever yet she's still with OW. She seriously thinks I'm sitting here waiting. And I see how me answering her call and stuff helps that. Is there anything else other than read and re read sandis rules I can do? I certainly do not want to be the idiot in her mind sitting here twirling my thumbs while she "figures it out" all while sleeping next to OW.
W texted me this morning, reminding me of my bill that's due in a few days. (I'm not going to lie I've missed the same bill twice by a couple of days since I've taken back all my bills) I never replied after the snarky remark about sparing her 3 mins and I simply said thanks this morning. Easier than telling her to have a good holiday in return Cus frankly I hope she has a crappy one. D is with her dad and all the family she's got is MIL. I don't really care if she spends it with OW as long as it's not as good as with me. Thanksgiving is by far my favorite holiday. I cook for us every year and last year I hosted my sis bil and our niece along with mil w and d. I cooked for everyone and we had a great vacation with them. My sister even mentioned how that's been her favorite thanksgiving yet. Well this year I'll be out of the country, on the beach, sipping on margaritas and pretending it's not thanksgiving and stuffing my face with tacos. And salt water from the ocean! Already started my vacation with a margarita as I wait for my final flight!
V, interestingly enough monkeys are my favorite anulan. Also is interestingly a word? The little autocorrect didn't fix it so I asusume so.
Journaling, can't help but hope W is having a terrible thanksgiving. We took a little boat ride to a coastal restaurant and had fresh sea food. Then walked around the plaza, I got souvenirs and then there was a band playing at the plaza so we sat and listened and watched old people dance. Now we are taking it easy. I assume everyone's thanksgiving is over. I'm not so much down as I am idk sad idk. Now that there's down time I get to sit here in my thoughts of w and I would be doing this or that. And how I just hope she's not with OW and if she is (or isn't) that she wishes she was with me. She never texted me and ofcourse neither did I. She didn't ask if I made it to my destination either. Not that I was expecting it but with all the hot cold stuff I thought she might but then again she's most likely with OW so she can't. Blah. Idk i guess I do feel sad. I'm sad and mad and everything. I don't want to go through more holidays without my W. Xmas will be worse
Trying to enjoy my time here and I am, just wish my W was here.
Hope everyone stuffed their face. Not Surprisingly I only had sea food around noon. Not hungry, not interested in much today just trying to get through it.
Hey cheesyt, holidays are hard when going through this so I understand your sadness. Just try not to dwell in it. Give yourself a moment with it, but then get up and go find a distraction if you can. I'm trying to act as if this is my new normal, as if all future holidays will be without my W and I just have to learn how to accept that. I think being here with my parents helps because they provide a bit of distraction.
Just keep your head up and try to love yourself and be thankful for the even more amazing cheesyt you're becoming! Hope you enjoy your trip!
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
