She's gone. Living in the now.

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, I think it is normal to feel that kind of grief. We think we have got ourselves to a certain place and then we feel something that we didn't expect. But I think it's all part of the process. For me, I think I went through a big phase of being fully into the DB process and buoyed as a result. But then a phase of accepting that D would happen for us and associated grief and so on.

The main thing is to honour what you feel. There are no 'shoulds' about how you feel - how you feel is how you feel. And also to keep moving forward. Feel what you feel and also keep moving forward.

That's a nice story of your S running you a bath. I think he's a little proud of his Dad...

Take care my friend :-)

[Scrant]

Had a good GAL day. Met up with a friend who was going to a rugby match. In the end I met 13 others and we all had a good lunch together before the game. Joined their social medis group
W started texting for the first time in ages to ask where and when S was playing basketball tomorrow. I told her to ask S. She decided that he wouldn't tell her to protect me from seeing her. Told her I was out of town and to talk to S. She kept insisting with comments like why didn't I know, did I hsve amnesia? Ignored her and carried on with my day. She later arranged to meet S. I don't know what they have decided. It annoys me to think she'll go tomorrow, smiling at all the other parents etc. She has never been interested before. S gets uncomfortable too. It might be better if I don't go. I don't want to get into a conversation with her over how she thinks our relationship should be.

[Scrant]

S has spoken to his mother and told her not to come to his games. I asked him directly if he did it to protect me as his mother claimed. He looked surprised and said no.

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, yes he has his own views about his Mum and how she has let him (and you) down. It saddens me that people do things like this that impact so adversely on such important relationships - but oh well...

I'm glad to hear about your GAL and social media group. Our divorce group has a social media group and it has been a great way of keeping in touch. I hope you'll reach out to some new friends, initiate and accept invites when you can.

I'm always interested in your W's comments about your pain. That she still sees you as pining and sad...I hope that in time and through your own progress that she will come to see otherwise - that you have moved forward so far and left her behind.

For us all, we pick ourselves up, move painfully forward, and then purposefully forward and then in the much longer term we may move on. It all takes time, but we get there.

For a lucky few, the WAS turns back to the M. But that is a bonus. The moving forward and processing has to be done anyway...

Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend :-)

[Scrant]

You too Sotto. I don't know why W fixates on my "pain" as we have no contact and she knows nothing about me nor I her. The only thing she knows is that I have told her it doesn't work for me to meet up with her. I've changed my profile to a happy smiling group photo from today so let her think on that for a change!
As for her relationship with S, it does sadden me but it is the result of 15 years where her interests, activities and lifestyle came first for her, even her family always said that I brought him up. So sadly she's reaping the reward.

[Vanilla]

Yes Scrant, she is.

And your WW likely has this big thought that you are in deep pain because of her and are on the back burner at all times.

I would like to issue you with a big warning, when it crosses her addled brain it no longer is and that her instant (mix with water) family has changed and she is outer cirole then you may face rage and manipulation. Including hoovering and sweet cycle.

Be very careful about happy FB stuff and possibly block her access.

It is my opinion that this is dangerous territory in sitches like yours with distant waywards. D an angry vengeful spouse with high conflict manipulative intent is costly.

If you read my sitch you will see use of the legal system in extremis.

Just saying. Cut the risk.

V

[Vanilla]

BTW

Please Google Pretzel Logic

V

[Scrant]

Thanks for all the comments. I'll check out your recommendation Vanilla. Today things came to a head. W decided that she would go to the game despite S asking her not to. Her sister, friend and Aunt came too. They have come before and I've had no problems. She arrived late and then sat downside me. I continued laughing and joking with other parents for the first half. Other parents came over to chat so I was drawn into more conversations with her. The result was that W asked could she come with S and I for the next away trip. Had to point out S had asked her not to come. When can I see him then?, I am his mum etc. when S was substituted he looked up and gave her a killer look. Obviously everyone in her family noticed too. After game she tried to move in for a hug with him while he was playing with small kids. He turned his back. Sister in law suggested a general family drink ! S decided he wanted to go home. W followed asking why he was angry. S replied because basketball was his thing and she distracted him. She asked why he didn't want her to come repeatedly until he replied she should work it out. I persuaded S to go to the car while I talked to W. She kept repeating she was his mother which I agreed with but also suggested she should think about why he doesn't want to see her. She still can't see why, even after a year. She cried on my shoulder and hugged me close, kissing my neck. I didn't offer to intervene and used her words when she left me. You can't make people feel things they don't feel. She looked so forlorn that I said I didn't hate her and to look after herself. She said the same, kissed me goodbye and left. S recovered quickly and we've been busy since. How do I feel? Sad that we lost our R, said that she still refuses to think why her S doesn't want to know her and sad that I have to stand watching her humiliated in public. I know it was her own fault for putting herself in that position but I feel empathy, a quality she has missed all weekend as every action has been I or me but never how her own S might feel.

[Vanilla]

Yep.

The poor little me stance. Golly I am oppressed and really down.

It's not my fault. Boo Hoo.

V

[Sotto]

Yes, she definitely has a 'woe is me' mentality and doesn't seem to realise that she has created her own reality here. It was pretty confrontational I think to turn up with the family mob when S had said he didn't want her there. I'm not surprised he was upset.

Can I ask you Scrant - if she was never that into parenting anyway, what makes you think things would be any different if she chose to return to the M. What do you want for yourself and your S here and why?

Feel free not to answer my questions if you don't find them helpful - I won't be offended at all my friend.