cheesyt 5 - now what?

[cheesyt]

cheesyt1
cheesyt2
cheesyt3
cheesyt4

There are all my past links for anyone interested.


Well this one is titled now what…
To recap recently my W is on some sort of confusion wether to try conseling with me and breaking up with OW.
My W is unsure of what to do. In the mean time I continue to live my life.
The last communication with W was her response to coming over to talk about counseling (which W asked if we could try) "I'm just not sure where I'm at right now. I'm still seeing the person I'm with, and I'm having issues deciding where it is I want to be. I feel like going to counseling would/could be good for you and I, but I'm stuck in this weird place bc I am also in a relationship... please just try to understand that I am struggling with this, and trying to make the best decision for me and D. I need a little more time to think on things before we meet... I'm so sorry to "chicken out" last minute like this, but I just don't feel right about this tonight..I'm so sorry, again. Please forgive me..." to which I replied by text
Me- you're right I need time too.
W- I'm so sorry...
W- please don't hate me.



So the million dollar question is…Now what?

I guess W could come back, but she’s not sure what she’s going to do. I can’t sit here and twirl my thumbs waiting. So I will do what I have been doing, nothing (in the sense of my M) and continue living my life without W and D. I leave for vacation on Wednesday out of the country. I will skip thanksgiving. Too many memories that hurt me and I wish to avoid that. (not super healthy I know, but that’s all I got)

My W takes her boards today for her RN. I was going to send her a good luck text but after going back and forth I don’t really feel like it. I’m not her friend, and I’m not her W…she doesn’t get my support for that anymore. Besides, i’m pretty sure OW is with her taking hers as well. W can have OW’s support.

Happy Monday everyone, enjoy the short week!!!!!!

[fightin]

Oh man, cheesyt, I don't even know what now other than what you stated. Just keep doing you and living your awesome life. It is her responsibility to sort out her feelings. Trust me, I feel you though. Watching my W last Friday crying and struggling and seeing the hurt and confusion on her face was difficult, but it is no longer my place to help her with anything, especially this.

Just take a step back and take care of yourself.

Happy Monday to you as well!

[doodler]

cheesyt,

Your WW has you and the other woman pining for her. From her perspective, what could be better? In other words, she's cake eating (she wants her cake and eat it too). I'm terrible at DB, but it seems to me, if you don't want to live that way, then you can remove one of her choices until she's ready to do what's necessary to return.

[cheesyt]

doodler - I don't disagree with your perspective. I do believe you're spot on.

I know what I need to do just gotta continue doing it. (easier said than done now that I saw some glimmer of hope) I'll get back on my horse. hopefully this vacation will help me de-stress and get back into a better mental state!

[Cristy]

Hello cheesyt,

You are so smart to recognize that sending the good luck text isn't your best option. Great job!

You're asking "now what?" The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.


Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[hawker]

Keep it up Cheesy....you want her as your W not your friend and you deserve the best always remember that!!!!! You are strong and awesome!! Way to NOT text her good luck!!! :-)

[BluWave]

You are doing great, cheesy. This is hard stuff! Your emotions are spinning and she's going to rope you in/out as much as she can. She is keeping you as plan B right now, and in her fog may be oblivious to her selfishness. But I agree she is trying to cake eat.

Let's put a slightly different spin on this to regroup. There are two things happening here and let's try and keep them separate. 1. Your emotional process, and 2. Your actions.

#1. Your emotional process is going to fluctuate. A lot. She throws you crumbs of hope. Then she bails and dissapoints you. She is being completely selfish and has you wondering why you even still want her. She is with OW, which creates feelings of jealousy and insecurity. She then tells you how sorry she is. She has you on her roller coaster and wondering "now what!?!"

So here is how you handle that. Vent here and come here for support and advice. Seek out people you trust for the same--IC, family, and your close friends. You continue to feel the pain, grieve the loss of the M, and then put it aside and enjoy better days. You 180 for you, you GAL for you, and you continue to DB for you. This is all for YOU! You are going to look inside at your flaws and allow yourself to grow into the best cheesyt that you can. And the secondary gain from that is that you will attract quality people to you. That may be your W some day or it may be someone else that is more worthy of your time and love.

#2. Your actions. This one is the one that remains constant. Your actions with WW remain calm, confident, and detached. Even increasingly disinterested as you remove yourself from plan B. But they do not depend on #1. She can swing back and forth, rope you in and out, and strap you into this crazy ride, but she does not control your actions. You are consistent, taking care of you, stable and strong, and you are the lighthouse.

If and when she ever pulls her head out of her rear and fully commits to the M, and only then, do your actions change.

So what now? Same old same. Keep on keeping on. Let her go. Hold your head up high. Focus on your needs and happiness. She can tell you she wants you, misses you, and loves you! I'm so sorry, I made a terrible mistake! Then she can tell you the next day she is done, wants D, and you should just go straight to h3ll! But cheesy's actions don't change. She gets her love/support from safe people, but she remains the same in her actions and interactions with WW.

This is how you detach, get your power back, and grow. This is patience. You can do this and you will be better off in life if you can.

Blu

[cheesyt]

blu, thanks so much for that post. I think I've ready it about 10 times.

Reading that I look back at my interactions with W, Idk I'd like to think I've kept my actions pretty consistent by not letting her see my emotions that go up and down with her rollercoaster.

I've been doing a lot of thinking, those feelings...and emotions of not being good enough are returning. I am assuming it's because of the hope that was thrown my way yet W is still seeing OW and living that life. The difference is, I know i'm a better person. So why do I still have these thoughts and feelings?

W texted me just now- do you hate me?

first of all, why does she care? second of all, what the heck am I supposed to say to that. third, why would I hate her? a few days ago we were talking about counseling and today, that?

Also, does my W need validation? all throughout the past week she "poured" her heart out and told me she loves and misses me blah blah I never once told her I loved her, missed her or anything mushy. Is this why she's so worried about me hating her?

cloudy and snowy today. usually this weather makes me happy. feeling blah today though.

[fightin]

Is that temp checking? I still have to figure that stuff out, but that's what it sounds like to me.

I don't know how you should handle it, but I'd probably say something like "I have just been thinking about things and need some time and space." and leave it at that. That very well may be the absolute wrong way to handle it though so I'll defer to the much more seasoned people here.

Why is she asking? Because she's insecure and her emotions are all over the place and she's questioning her decisions and wants to know she still has you on the hook. She wants you as her Plan B still. I've decided they'll keep us friend-zoned as long as possible so you have to shut that s**t down fast.

[JRuss]

She's a mess and now appears to be trying to have an emotional affair with you behind her PA partner's back, all while keeping both of you on your respective hooks. Not your circus, and I fear she has many miles to go before you'd want to sign back onboard. Keep doing what you're doing, which is kicking a$$.