I think it's time to get down off the bike and take a look at the map. Oh! No map.
I've been thinking more and harder lately than I have in a long time.
First a quick situation overview for those playing the home game. Most of the key elements of the journey are in my signature line.
W is still moved out, still hasn't told me where she's living, still isn't talking to me, still hasn't come back to the house to pick up her stuff, still is keeping quiet about our separation and her A. I have no clue what the status of OM is or her A. I discovered yesterday that she no longer wears her wedding ring - or so I presume. I have a very narrow window on her life via Facebook and some other trivial footprints that most people are advising me to pull the blinds down on. <rampant, irrelevant and probably incorrect speculation redacted>.
For me, I'm no longer the man who came here back in April after BD2. I'm stronger, but not as strong as I was pre BD. I'm thinking better, have taken some control over my surroundings and my life but am still very much attached to my W through a rope that I've tied around myself. I've been also wandering off the path and taking my own ring off temporarily as I gingerly explore the possibilities of a new relationship.
Now I've realized that I've lost my way and don't honestly know which way that I want to turn.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
Andrew, you are what, about 6-7 months from the bomb ??
Probably have those antsy feelings going on inside of you ?
Probably thinking that this isn't what you wanted, expected..?
Wasn't thinking that when you got here, that it would take this long, that she would be back by now...???
Boy oh boy - is this ever true. I remember some months ago Jack_3_Beans making a comment in passing about a 6 month wait and it scared the crap out of me. It's now about 4 months out from that post.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Andrew is getting tired of waiting around for his W and wants the world to know that he is free (especially flower girl). Andrew feels “stuck” and is lonely and really does not like that feeling.
This one too.
So - I'm in the middle of the deep dark woods with paths leading in all sorts of directions and few if any sign-posts. I'm also full of doubts about what it is that I actually want. While I want to charge off down any of these paths I can almost hear job telling me to sit down, calm down and figure things out first.
This may take a while.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi Andrew, I think it's quite simple really. You could decide not to stand any longer for your M - I respect that. And of course you would need to live with the fact that you decided this and chose not to stand any longer. The most important thing is feeling at peace with your own decisions and actions.
Secondly, we all need time to heal from the breakdown of one R before moving to another. I for one would not date a married guy. I don't care if he is S - I will only date single guys. Having been through marital breakdown, right through to D and beyond, I realise it takes a good while to get to a healthy place.
IMHO, nice lady at the flower shop probably deserves better than some guy who drops standing for his R/M in order to jump into a R with her whilst he's still M. I met XH a year after he had S from his W (online dating site.) That's not something I would do again as I realise I was in no fit state to date a year after our S...
JMHO of course :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have read along for some time and seems you have started to open up and actually listen/absorb and appears you have started looking within a little bit as you have some of the best Vets asking you the tough questions and pointing out a few pimples that need to be popped.
Your woods analogy prompted me to reply as many of us have been there.
Quote:
So - I'm in the middle of the deep dark woods with paths leading in all sorts of directions and few if any sign-posts. I'm also full of doubts about what it is that I actually want. While I want to charge off down any of these paths I can almost hear job telling me to sit down, calm down and figure things out first.
So first thing to do when you are out hiking and find that you have become completely lost is to just simply stop. Make camp. stay there. You will be amazed how if you simply just be still how those woods stop spinning and you start to find peace and will be able to form a straight line in a direction that best serves you. So for now ... be still.
As far as FlowerGirl goes, I will not tell you do/don't only that I too was there and quickly discovered I was no where close to being able to sail any waters in a new boat (One date taught me that VERY quickly) .. 6-7 months post BD in MLC terms you are still fresh and raw at this. I did not even land on this forum till 9 months post BD and took a few more to discover what MLC was and to realize what I was dealing with so in those terms having Eric and Mach challenge you now, you are a year ahead of where I was in many regards.
So, you are in the wood w/no map...sit down and breathe. Don't rush the process and allow things to flow naturally. You can't rush her crisis, nor can you rush your grieving time. Everything happens for a reason and if you are lost right now, then that means you need to sit quietly and allow the answers to come.
As for the flower shop lady...you aren't ready to dive into a new relationship. You might think you can be friends w/her, but you are very fragile right now and there are times when a friendship can turn into an emotional affair which may or may not turn into a physical affair. You need to heal yourself before bringing a third party into the mix. The question that I have for you is this...do you or don't you want to stand for your marriage? Do you love your wife enough to let her go for a while to find herself? Would you be thinking of the flower shop lady if your wife were in a coma?
Sure, you miss the comfort, love and companionship of your wife right now...but it's not wise to get involved w/someone else until you are absolutely sure you don't want your wife back and have filed for divorce. Bringing her into the mix is very unfair to her because if your wife decides she wants to reconcile, you will have hurt someone else for going back to your wife. Sit in the wood a while longer. You need to take the time and ponder my questions.
The map for your life's journey is right in front of you, but you just can't see it yet.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Standing or not standing is one question. I can certainly understand either choice.
As far as FG goes, would you want to date someone who was still telling his spouse she could come home at any time? Who spent so much time analyzing the spouse's online activity?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Thanks everyone. Yes - I agree. I've made the choice to continue to be friendly but distant with the lady at the flower shop but to not pursue it beyond that - it may have been all in my over-active imagination anyway that she might have been interested back. I'm also not going to be shopping for alternatives either. I'm both not ready for that nor have I decided that that is the path I should take.
I need to make these hard choices - as Sotto points out the questions are perhaps easy and basic. Figuring out which answer is the right one for me and making it happen will be hard. I'm not going to take any action right now in any direction until I figure that out. And yes - I still have lots of healing to do both coming up to making a decision and then healing from making that decision.
I do feel more free right now though because I think that I've finally found a place in my mind where I can now ask these questions with a lot less emotional baggage than even a few weeks ago. This isn't about duty, honour, or even love right now which are things that have driven me so far. It's about deciding what is right for AndrewP.
I had a chance to talk to 2 good friends about this today and while they both encouraged me (one quite a lot when he heard the words tall and blond) to actively pursue a NG, they both agree that I need to make the choices between a future with W and a future without her before moving on.
Thank you all for your patience and support thus far and in advance while I camp out here for a while and perhaps practice making macrame owls or other handicrafts. It's going to be a long winter and I need to lay in supplies and take care of myself to get through this.
Here in the middle of the woods there's no W to distract me nor other temptations. If W does wander by you can all be sure that I'll be posting asking for guidance instead of just wandering off after her.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I had a chance to talk to 2 good friends about this today and while they both encouraged me (one quite a lot when he heard the words tall and blond) to actively pursue a NG, they both agree that I need to make the choices between a future with W and a future without her before moving on.
Are you sure THOSE are the choices you are in need of making right now?
I think a better plan was about 3 sentences earlier in your post.
I'm still trying to figure out the questions but down the path towards any sort of NG comes after the fork in the road about W. There's questions before that too I think. I need to create some calm for myself and let it stew for a while. One of the paths leads off to me building a solo life indefinitely for example I think. There are so many paths in this clearing in the woods and I'm going to take my time here to look at them and decide rather than go exploring and get even more lost.
PS - Can you tell I'm loving this analogy better than the bicycle one?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
So - I'm in the middle of the deep dark woods with paths leading in all sorts of directions and few if any sign-posts. I'm also full of doubts about what it is that I actually want. While I want to charge off down any of these paths I can almost hear job telling me to sit down, calm down and figure things out first.
One of the mistakes that a lot of Male LBSers make, is that around this time, there is this incessant need , or want, that you have to DO something to shake the process up...
There really aren't any choices to make right now, there isn't anything that you NEED to DO , right now...
A lot of what you are feeling is just impatience, and once you can realize that it will pass, then you can move past it.
Work on the other things too, the "why's" I asked you about...
Spend this time in your own head, and stop wondering what is going on in her head...
