I agree w/Andrew on setting a boundary about your wife popping in whenever the notion strikes her. After all, she left and now the home is your space and she needs to understand that she doesn't have the right to come back there any time she wishes. There are consequences to her actions...she needs to schedule a date and time w/you and if you so decide not to be home, then so be it...but she did give up the right to free access to your safe space (home).
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Andrew and Job, I totally agree with you both. This NC was drawn up by our therapists and she acted like it was nothing. I sent our therapist a text to get her thoughts, but she can't come over and do a temp check anytime she wants. I know she's starting to see the truth of her choice, that's why she has to stay away and live with it.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
She's not ready to let you go yet or her actions are catching up with her and she's not liking the consequences. cautious optimism, maybe? deferring to Job on this one ... i want to say be hopeful but there's this niggling voice in the back of my head that says these things take a long time to work themselves out (things being MLC)
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Yes, I know this takes time and I have little optimism. I know in MLC there is plenty of cycling and I know that's what's happening, but I can see that acceptance is encroaching and we will we what happens next. I will have the therapist reinforce the boundaries for our NC, that we agreed on. I am operating from a place where I see little chance we survive this MLV, which saves me future disappointment and faster recovery,
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
MLCers do not like to lose the string that binds them to you. They like to know that you are right where they left you pre crisis. In your wife's case, she's not happy w/the changes that are happening in her life and yes, she's having to face some of those consequences now, especially w/the holidays right around the corner.
As for her questioning a friend about you, it could be that she's curious because you aren't begging, pleading, etc., but going on w/your life the best way that you can. It also could be that she's trying to find out if you are seeing someone even though you're not. She feels guilty and ashamed of what she's done and continues to do and if you were dating, this would alleviate some of her guilt.
I would remain hopeful, but keep those expectations very, very low. The holiday season tends to bring some of them closer to their families and once the holiday is over...back out there once again.
It's going to take some time for her to wake up, so leave her in the MLC oven for a while longer. You'll know when she's baked because she'll do everything humanly possible to prove to you that she wants to reconcile. She's got a lot of heavy, hard work to do before that happens.
Continue moving forward and keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
