My WS and I have been M 17 years and together 20. We have no children together and its our 2nd marriage. My WS has a had emotional issues with depression that stems from being molested by her father as a child. She has been in counseling off and on over the years and started with a new counselor in July. She had deep depression in Feb/Mar of 2016 and was in a cycling accident in May, where she was almost run over by cars, which I think started this MLC.
I look back at this summer and I see the signs I wasn't picking up then...she became even more dedicated to fitness, joined a bike club, started running, reread "Younger Next Year", listening to more current music, etc.
I have read numerous posts, completed DR and other books too many to post here. She told me on October 1st, ILYBNILWY and that she met someone on Labor Day weekend and was in love with him. "soul mate". I did all of the wrong things, except we started counseling. I worked on her with pressure and proof from articles and readings that showed why this affair wouldn't last, etc. She has been asking me for space and time since mid-October and in counseling admitted that she knows that this may not last and the odds are against it, but her feelings are so deep she has to see what this is all about.
We go to counseling tomorrow night to finalize our trial separation with NC, managed by our therapist. The thought from the therapist is that WS isn't aware of the impact of leaving our M and what her new relationship will be until she's living without the M. I am in a pretty good place, as I have been using LRT for the last 2 weeks with good results and her attitude me has been different. She texts me or calls me often now. She moved in with OM immediately after our last therapy session, which is good....she's had a couple of weeks of two teenage kids, a crappy house, with an introverted guy who has few if any friends.......she will see what the reality of this is and it won't be me telling her about it.
Next week she is moving into her own apartment for 3 months. Her counselor told her she needs her own space and she is doing just that. We have our beautiful house up for sale and I am GAL....which she is beginning to notice (a friend told me she mentioned that to her). I have nothing left to lose and this point and time is on my side. So I am practicing patience and GAL.
I would love to hear thoughts or ideas, this post is already too long and I have more information I could've added to this, but please offer your input.
Last edited by job; 11/21/1608:43 AM. Reason: Added a link to another thread
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, Thank you. I have visited and read many of these links already and they are very helpful. Detachment part is great!
I appreciate all of the input from this site and really believe that these tools and the moderators/contributors are the reason I am where I am today in this process. I am sure I will have down days and up days, but I am confident that I will have many more days to come....thank you DB'ers for all of your sharing and guidance!
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
Thank you for responding. I will keep posting and stay the course, I know this will be a long haul and I am prepared to do what it takes to GAL and in the meantime see where this leads me.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
I need a little advice.....my WS is coming over Sunday to pack some things for her move on Monday to her own apartment. Should I make sure to not be around on Sunday or should I be home? Reminder, as of Dec 1st, I will have NC with her for the month of December and I leave Monday AM for a business trip for the week.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
Some people stay in another part of the house while they are packing up their stuff. If you don't think that you can handle her doing this in your presence, then I would suggest you leave for a while. It's really up to you as to whether you stay or go out for a bit...what is your gut telling you to do?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My gut is telling me to stay, but I'm committed to LRT as well, which I have seen positive results with. So if I stay, I need to keep a distance and limit the conversation.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
If you stay, then find something to do in another part of the home or in the yard. You do not need to stay in the area that she is packing. Be civil, but don't be overly friendly. Stay calm and if she talks to you, look her in the eyes and keep your voice level and calm.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Good advice. Just so you know, I have been entirely civil and calm throughout this process. I see no value in being anything else and I know that she's the only one that can change her mind. I think it would be better if I wasn't around, as GAL is real and her seeing that I am, serves as a reminder of the potential loss of the safety net she sees me as.
Every day I feel a little stronger with my DR technique and find myself less curious of her life.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
